New Calendar

I made a new calendar to track my success.... not the best picture... I'll try to get a better one up later

Motivational Stuff

So... I love this top and this woman (Tiana Gonzalez) has a fab body! Love her back! One day this year I will have on a similar outfit and be just as hawt. Oh Yeah!

Definite photo shoot idea...



Okay, that's it for now. :)

Fighter Diet

Yesterday I did most of the Fighter Diet. Had a planned dinner out, so mostly on track. Today I am going for 100%. I am having trouble with the volume of food, but I plan to be clean and only eat what's authorized. This has to be one of the stranger meal plan I've had, but looking at Pauline... yeah, I'll try it! I'm pushing extra, extra hard in my workouts. I keep imagining Pauline looking at me saying I can do more, I can do better. I hear my own voice telling me that I am awesome and strong. I MUST keep going. And I have. And I will continue. I'm done settling for what I think I can do. Its time to push beyond that. I have more in me than I have ever imagined. I am NOT going to be stopped. I am going to make the stage in May with a body that defies my circumstances. A body that no one will believe belongs to me. But I will know. I will know what it took to create my dream body. It won't be easy, but no one ever said it would be.

Bucket List & 2010

So the holiday season has kept me abundantly busy at work. I have been super busy and sick on top of it. Great combination to wipe someone out. During my brief downtimes I came up with a bucket list. I won't accomplish all this in 2010. Its meant to be more of a long term list. I would love to accomplish some select things. I will highlight those...
BUCKET LIST

1. Go Skydiving
2. Ride horses again
3. Photograph in Africa
4. Photograph in Galapagos
5. Compete in Figure/Bikini Contest
6. Learn to fire a gun
7. Take martial arts class (tbd)
8. Learn to ballroom & Latin dance
9. Run a 5k
10. Play the guitar
    
11. Run my own photography business
12. Do 100 push ups
13. Go to England
14. Go to Italy
    
15. Make my own pasta from scratch
16. Do pin up calendar
17. Go downhill skiing
18. Accomplish the these yoga poses: Scorpion, Crane, Headstand, Wheel- variations too
19. Own and train dogs
20. Go ice skating in Central Park
21. Visit NYC
22. See the Redwoods in California
23. Visit Portland, OR
24. Hike the Appalachian Trail
25. Do a fitness photoshoot- as the model not photographer!
    

2010 Goals-

1. Hit goal weight
2. MAINTAIN healthy goal weight. (may fluctuate from comp weight)
3. Compete with my Diva friends in at least one show.
4. Do fitness photoshoot as model
5. Do pin up calendar
6. Do photoshoots for friends and new clients
7. Go skydiving
8. Increase Photoshop skills
9. Get more photography equipment
10. Go hiking and camping at least 3x !
11. Enter photos in contests
12. Go on at least 1 wine tour
13. Do 2010 Calendar
14. Run a 5k
15. Learn one ballroom dance
16. Go ice skating in central park (this may have to wait til Jan 2011 depending on my job situation)
17. Consume more organic foods
18. Be more environmentally friendly
19. Learn more about alzheimers
20. Put scrapbook together for my grandma (to help her with her struggle with alzheimers)


So yeah... lots of goals and dreams. :)

I am so excited to start using my fitbook that Cori gave me. I'm so excited that she was my secret santa. She chose a perfect gift! I'm going to start using it Jan 1 so I have a plan in place and I can track from the very beginning of 2010. Love the compact size!

Quickie?

So I am at work attempting to blog. :P

I got hit hard this last week with some crazy arse infection. My throat felt like it was going to swell up and close off completely. It hurt SO bad. My coworker went to the doc and he was told it was strep that he had. I had the same symptoms a day later. I loaded up with Vit C, echinacea, green tea, probiotics and I managed to get some antibiotics called in as a favor from my doc since I don't have health insurance until the 1st of the year. I feel a lot better but not top notch yet. My head is still a bowl of mucus. Yuck. I can't wait til its over. I got a short cardio session in. It felt good to move again, but I could tell I was pushing my limits. I'm going to keep moving the rest of the weekend. My plan is to be ready to push hard by Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas... its been tradition to have a glass of eggnog (or three!) on Christmas morning. I love the stuff. This year I passed up gallons of the stuff. Finally my habits got the best of me and I picked up a beautiful carton. I held it in my hand and imagined the smooth, creamy, spicy drink flowing over my tongue. THEN, I stupidly read the back of the damn carton! I knew the fat and sugar was bad. That actually didn't phase me. I was aware of those damages. What I was completely unaware of was the HFCS!! I always thought eggnog was just milk/cream, eggs, spices and sugar. Uh..... Frickin High Fructose Corn Syrup???? Damn you HFCS! Its listed 2x! So yeah.... my beloved eggnog is off limits. The hubby has offered to make me some homemade stuff, but its just not the same. I tried to spice up my UMP protein shake with all the right spices... it was okay, but not eggnog. I even tried adding an egg! lol So, I guess all good things must come to an end. :P Eggnog neva did nuttin' for my body anyway.... except tickle my tastebuds....

K, gotta run. I only have 1 day off before Christmas. :( Time is short.

The Sickies and attitude

I haven't been feeling too spiffy the last couple of days.
It was some fake it til you make it until my body just broke down and said no. I felt like junk yesterday and today complete garbage dump. Thankfully, Mucinex is helping me breathe easier now. My stomach has been a mess the last 3 days. Its been hurting and I have been so nauseated. I have felt like I need to burp but can't. Just a few hours ago I finally got some relief. I guess the flu has been going around. Perhaps I just got that. I hope its over by tomorrow. I need to get back to my workouts and eating on schedule. I mostly avoided food this weekend because it hurt to eat and I was nauseated anyway.
I made some homemade veggie soup tonight. It tasted good and so far my stomach is okay with it. I'm sure it will help with energy. I just didn't have any today. I slept so much and now I am in trouble tonight I think.


I have a lot on my mind. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I liked this quote and thought I should share it:

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with the which comes the inner voice that says "This is the real me", and when you have found that attitude, follow it." -- William James

Inspired: The Movie

I haven't seen the movie but this trailer made me cry... pay attention to the first guy they show- wait til you see the end!

PCOS, support and a nugget of truth

Discovery!
One of my Diva friends linked to a new site today. As some of you know, I have PCOS. Learning how to deal with various aspects of this syndrome has been a journey for sure. Its still not over, but I *think* things are going in the right direction. Anyway, I was aware of Soulcysters. I signed up and have read lots over the last year. I really may have benefited more had I participated and really got involved in the board more. Instead I just lurked periodically. Usually I was searching for more information to try and cope with some hormonal catastrophe I was experiencing. Most of the time I try to deny my situation. I try to pretend that I don't have a metabolic issue at play in my weight loss and overall health. My friend found a related site called Fitcyster. Its a branch off of soulcysters. Its really focused on the fitness side of things- the EXACT thing I have been wanting. I wanted to find a group of women that could relate to the reality of PCOS but still had goals to be fit and healthy. I have requested to be a part of this group and I hope that I will be allowed to join. The weight loss part of this journey is so pivitol to me managing my symptoms. I know the basics and even most of the details. The inspiration of successful women and those who are struggling, fighting and succeeding in the quest for health will be so helpful. I've been trying to do this on my own. I've tried to deny that my situation is real. It is real and having a specific support system means so much.
I absolutely love and adore all my Co-Diva and blog friends. I am not seeking a replacement for you!! I am just seeking to add a more specific support system to my already wonderful friends. :)
I am hoping to gain more knowledge and learn from other women's experiences. 2010 is my year to shine. I am committing to a lifetime and lifestyle of health. 2010 is just the beginning. ;)

Now for the nugget of truth. I found this on the Fitcyster site: An article from the Dayton Daily News.

Simply gritting teeth and using willpower might work for a while, the long-term weight losers say, but eventually they'll need coping skills for when the willpower runs out. Ultimately, Eshbaugh says, losing weight comes down to the things a person will do for himself. “Willpower is what you won't do.”

Fun Morning- official song of the day and big butts

Its been a fun morning filled with big butts and gung-ho dieting. :)

This was shared by Becca- originally found on Hardbody.com. LOVE this!!



The text reads:
My butt is big and round like the letter C and then thousand lunges have made it rounder but not smaller. And that’s just fine. It’s a space heater for my side of the bed. It’s my ambassador. To those who walk behind me, it’s a border collie that herds skinny women away from the best deals at clothing sales. My butt is big and that’s just fine. And those who might scorn it are invited to kiss it.

Oh yeah. My booty is big and I'm working on getting it tighter and rounder.

And for my musical moment- the OFFICIAL Song of the Day:

GUNG - HO DIETING

Just click on the link, click the video and read the lyrics. Do it. DO IT! Its too fun to pass up and I promise you'll be singing it all day. :)

So much goodness in the morning... I love it!

New Playlist, 16 weeks out & push ups

My back and neck were so strained feeling I decided it was better to take an extra rest day on the push ups. Back at it today!

Week Four, Day Three 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 23
Set Two: 28
Set Three: 23
Set Four: 23
Max Set: 36
Total: 133 !

Nothing like a new play list to spice things ups. :) I've got a kick-ass list now. Totally pumped me up for the whole workout. This was overdo for sure. In no particular order:

Love Game – Lady Gaga

Poker Face - Lady Gaga
Misery Business- Paramore

Listen to Your Heart- Edmee Techno remix

Paint It Black – Rolling Stones

Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf

Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas

I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Wrong Way – Sublime

Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing- Chris Isaak

Welcome to Paradise- Green Day

Turning Japanese- Incubus

Hot N Cold- Katy Perry

Dani California- RHCP

Give It Away – RHCP

Runnin’ Down a Dream- Tom Petty

I Like the Way You Move- Bodyrockers

What You Waiting For- Gwen Stefani

Womanizer- Britney Spears

Toxic- Britney Spears

My Prerogative- Britney Spears

ighter- Christina Aguilera

Rebel Yell- Billy Idol

Butterfly- Crazytown

You Spin Me Right Round- Dead or Alive

Inside Out- Eve 6

Private Eyes – Hall & Oates

Are You Gonna Be My Girl- Jet

My Sharona- The Knack

Here It Goes Again- OK Go

She’s Got the Look – Roxette

Livin’ La Vido Loca – Ricky Martin

Hazy Shade of Winter- The Bangles

Wild, Sweet, Cool- The Crystal Method

Magic Carpet Ride (techno remix) – The Crystal Method

We’re Not Gonna Take It- Twisted Sister

Bust A Move- Young MC

Take It Off- The Donnas

Out of My Hands- The Donnas

Rock the Casbah – The Clash

16 weeks out as of Saturday. Not sure how I'll do, but I'm not stopping. I'm going to push through hard and try to drop 10lbs by Christmas. Things are going to be a little rough at work. We are short staffed for Christmas season. No worries though. I'm sure I can still get my food in.

One thing I am working on is asthma control. One thing that happens is with hormonal changes, asthma symptoms change. During my period, my asthma is worse. So in addition to headaches, bloating and cramps, its hard to breathe. Nice. So I am using breathe right strips, 2 inhalers and drinking loads of water. I can't do much more. At night I have taken an antihistamine occasionally to help with the crazy congestion. January I can go back to the doctors and get my new plan of attack for hormones. For now, its just keep taking my vitamins, calcium and magnesium and staying on plan. I'm fighting the pain today with the headache and cramps. My energy levels are up today and I'm using that to my advantage. I have my workouts in and I'm going to clean and decorate for Christmas. I made a wreath last night. :) I'm feeling more fesitive today. :)

After Thanksgiving Thoughts

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)

Family holiday times are often a bag of mixed emotion for me. For those of you lucky enough to really get along with your family- feel blessed! So much has changed over the years and family gatherings aren't what they could be.
I did very well with food. I had small samplings of food. I just didn't want to gorge. Food really had no power over me. My aunts tried to make me eat all their foods. The only real indulgence I had was green bean casserole. Its been a family tradition for... as long as I've been alive... maybe longer. ;) It brings back memories of when things were lighter and happier. And it tastes good, too. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty. It was a good day.
My body is definitely going through something. I woke up yesterday with a headache, swollen hands and a backache that has since radiated up to my neck. I'm staying the course with my food plan. I am taking a rest day today for my workouts. I'm in quite a bit of pain. Head to lower back... I don't know why... headache I get. The only thing I can think of is maybe the push ups? I really worked hard to push through the sets. Maybe I strained too much and pulled my back and neck?
I really just want to sleep with a heating pad all day. Instead I am off to work on this lovely Black Friday. I didn't have to open, so I close instead. Not looking forward to it really. But I should be thankful I have a job. I hope the day isn't too crazy. :) Hope my back is better by tomorrow. I need to get back to my workouts.

Thoughts, Sprints, Pushups Oh My!

Sprints- yeah.... tubby butt here isn't a fan of the process- yet... but I know that sprints, step-ups and lunges are my best friends. Oh, I know... I need to embrace the exercises I like the least because they will build the body I want the most. I've tried to reason that other exercises will be just as effective. Here's great and pretty entertaining article as to why SPRINTS are the new best friend in my life.

Thoughts.... Just a quick recap of what I wrote on the diva board this morning:

"I am really over this weirdo plague feeling I have. lol Seriously. I am tired of being unwell. I want to say thanks to everyone who supports me and offers guidance. I really appreciate it!!! I used to be tough. I could fight through anything- sickness, turmoil... I used to have amazing resolve. Nothing was getting in my way. Now I find that my self esteem has taken such a big hit being a lard-butt and all. I guess I need to shift my thinking, eh? I am NOT my body. I am who I am regardless. I just want my exterior to reflect my interior -- which it does at the moment- stress = fatty me. So, I've reduced a big source of stress. Its time. I'm going to keep on trucking."

I am done with being unwell. Really. If I don't get myself back to my center I'm going to be in real trouble. I love my mom dearly, but I don't want to be her. I don't want high cholesterol, depression, obesity, heart trouble, gall bladder issues, etc. Diabetes is a real risk for me. Its in my family, I have PCOS and insulin resistance. Diabetes is just hanging around the corner, waiting to jump me in a dark alley. I don't have the time nor the will to deal with that. I DO NOT want it. This has been a long battle. I will overcome. I will succeed. Each day that I make the right choices is another day towards health and another day away from health crisis. I'm on the right road. I just need to deal with crisis my body is going through now. My hormones ARE a hot mess. I'm elminating as many external factors as I can- plastics, preservatives- the hidden ones, etc. I am going off BC again. My current pill isn't working correctly anyway... hopefully I can handle the ride. Its kind of like a drug addict going through crazy withdrawl. My body is gets all stupid... it is now anyway... I'm just praying we can fly straight sooner than later.

Week Four Day Two , 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 20
Set Two: 25
Set Three: 20
Set Four: 20
Max Set: 32!
Total: 117!

Its tough getting past 20 sometimes. Can't wait until I can get to 100 in a row! Wowy!

Triggers

Today went really well for my plan. I ate on plan and more importantly, ON TIME! Meal timing has been a major hurdle for me. This job is so much better for that. After I got home this evening, I had my final meal. It was such a yummy salad. :) I ate my chicken on the 40 min car ride home. Its a funny thing I noticed that caused me to blog. I was watching the a new show called Find My Family. First, it made me bawl my eyes out. They were good tears I guess, but it was SO emotional. The next thing I know, I'm in the refrigerator looking for crap! I had some crazy sugar craving kick in. I JUST got done eating! I really was surprised by this. Apparently I was triggered. The emotional response that the show brought out then triggered the eating response. Wow. It was never quite so... hidden before. I know when I am angry I am prone to eat for comfort. Deep sadness usually means I don't want food at all. This mixture of emotions of sadness, relief and joy - apparently that's a sugar cue. I don't know. It was just so strange. I was having a real physical craving. I needed sugar. But I already ate... and the food I consumed was healthy and low glycemic. There shouldn't have been any reason. The only thing that makes sense was that I was being emotionally manipulated by that show... I'm glad this happened. I don't have anything in my house that I could have eaten, but now I am more aware of the hidden triggers...

Push Ups, Quest for containers & Passion

Week Four, Day One 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 18
Set Two: 22
Set Three: 16
Set Four: 16
Max Set: 30
Total: 102!

Feeling really good about my progress with the push ups so far. Its getting more challenging for sure. It feels so good to keep pushing when I mentally want to give up too soon. I am really working on my mind with this. For so long I'd see the finish line of whatever challenge and give up right before I got there. Its always been mental. I'm not sure why I've always done that... hmmm... definitely something to think on.

So, I am on a quest for small glass containers. I'm trying to eliminate the plastics from my life. I need smaller containers for food though. I don't have enough room in my cooler for containers that are really too big for the food they are holding. I get that with some of the plastic ones as it is. I like the bigger Pyrex containers I have. I wonder if they have small ones... I have a ziploc container that is 9.5oz. That would be perfect....
Anyone know of any other companies that make glass containers? I'd like to go with a green company. I admit now, that I don't know if Pyrex is a green based company, so I have some research to do. I'll take some suggestions if anyone has any. :) I'll share my research once I have something.

I'm going to finish out the month strong. I am hiding the scale. I'm taking some "before" pictures tomorrow. I am re-committing and staying focused. There's no more time to waste on self-doubt. I can do this. I just have to stay focused. I've been so worried about being weak... when I should be focusing on how strong I am. This 100 Push Ups Program is actually really good for my mind. I started out struggling to get 10 completed. Now I can do 30 AFTER doing 4 other sets!

I really want to try P90X. I don't know if I want to do the whole series, but the core training and the cardio would be great. I may just try the first month rotation and see how I do. Then I can go from there. I need something to keep me focused but not bored. I know its intense but I think the challenge is what I need.

I love this quote:
PASSION : "There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart... Pursue those".

Transformations = Inspiration & Motivation

So I was on BB.com looking for some motivation and lookie what I found...

Superstars we know....
Muscle & the City??

Marissa??

These other ladies are big sources of inspiration too. I have a lot of weight to drop, so bigger losses are super inspirational for me.

Tracy Fenske
Vanessa Bailey

And the most inspirational one for me:
Tiffany Forni

100 Push Ups ... 17 weeks out

Week Three, Day Three 100 Push Ups Challenge (halfway there!)
Set One: 16
Set Two: 21
Set Three: 15
Set Four: 15
Max Set: 30!
Total: 97!!

So I am almost up to 100 push ups in a setting. Not all at once, but still...
My wrists aren't pleased with the strain when I get past 20, but they'll get stronger.

17 weeks out. I won't lie. I have HUGE doubts. My hormones are still not playing nice. In the beginning of this year I had issues with headaches and nose bleeds as a result from the hormonal wonkiness. Its back again. I've cut out as much artificial garbage as I can. I am eating mostly whole foods. Protein powder has been cut back, but I still use it about 1x a day. I am taking my vitamins, calcium, magnesium and vitamin D. Salt isn't being added to anything. Its a very frustrating process. Its this process of super hard work with lackluster results that causes my fall or jump off the wagon. I get so frustrated. There have been times where I think working out so hard caused me more trouble. :(
I have dreams. I want those dreams to be reality. I'm in a position now where I can be so much more compliant on a program. My old job made meal timing beyond difficult. That isn't the case anymore. I'm trying to do this on my own and I feel like its not happening. I wish I could afford a trainer to help really tweak and review things. Its not a simple process for me. Its not as easy as cutting out soda and walking. I don't drink soda. I workout hard. There is a definite issue with my body and doctor after doctor as failed me. I'm not just a lazy tub of lard! Its known I have PCOS... why can we not fix me! I am going to do my best to reduce anything that's not "natural". Chemicals have to go. I may have to dump my protein powder. Its just nice to have that instead of meat. I hate meat. *sigh* When I can afford it I am going to switch more to organic. I do a little now. I need to increase that.

I may not make my date, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep visualizing it.

**Honest Scrap**

Okay, I was tagged by Marissa. :)
Its been such a crazy week... Finally had some time to give some decent answers.

10 things about me...

1- I have always wanted to be a dancer. I took ballet lessons for 6 weeks as a child and was beyond thrilled. Growing up in the 80's money shortage meant that was it for me. Too many other self-esteem issues over the years kept me from ever taking a class as an older child/adult. I love watching Fred & Ginger movies. I watch DWTS with awe and longing. One day I WILL learn to dance. For now, my two left feet will watch. Right now, I feel a bit like the dancing hippos from Fantasia.


2- I love Marilyn Monroe. I love reading about her life- her personality, her struggles, her victories... she was an amazing woman. She faced so many trials. Her life was filled with tragedy. She overcame many obstacles. Despite the way her life ended, she did have some victories.



3- I used to ride horses and miss it dearly. I was so in tune with my horse. I could sleep in his stall with him. I spent many hours in my barn and the barn of my grandparents'. I wouldn't say I was any horse whisperer, but I certainly had a connection with these beautiful and majestic creatures.

4- I'm a farm girl at heart. I grew up in a "regular house", but I spent many days and all summer at my grandparent's home. I baled hay, cleaned stalls, trained dogs, rode horses, raised cows, turkeys and rabbits for 4-H. I like the conveniences of city living, but the farm will always have my heart.

5- I love to learn. I always had my face in a book as a child (when I wasn't doing farm stuff. :P) I changed my major so many times in college because too much was interesting. I kept getting sidetracked by other classes. Meteorology, Psychology & Sociology (double major attempt), Sports Medicine and Art Therapy were all majors I had at some point. I never did complete my bachelor's degree. I have more than enough credits for two degrees. I am 4 classes shy from my psych degree. But unfortunately, I ran out of $$ before I could finish.

6- I love being a photographer. I have a good eye but need more technical skills. Finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to buy more equipment would be great too. Haha. I dream of traveling to Kenya and the Galapagos Islands to take some amazing nature photos. I'd love to produce my own photo book one day. Every year I do a calendar of nature pictures.
Recently I've started taking maternity, baby and comp photos. I am hoping to do more compeition photos and move up to some fitness modeling shoots, too.

7- I dream of doing a pin up calendar. I know that underneath this protective layer of fat is a gorgeous, curvy body. In high school I rocked the measurements- 36-24-36". I can do it again- this time with some more muscle! Baling hay was good for me, afterall. ;)

8- I love wine. Riesling is my standard favorite, but there aren't too many grape juices I haven't liked. :)

9- I can't swim. I can sorta doggy paddle. I cannot float. I had tubes in my ears 5x as a child. I got so many ear infections and it always seemed to be triggered by water- swimming or in the shower. I hate things in my ears to this day. I will go in the water at the beach and I can "swim" enough to enjoy myself, but in a pool or too far out in the ocean and I'm in trouble. I wish I was more interested in learning. I love the beach... and the ocean in Aruba was amazing...

10- I love to sing. A lot. Singing makes me happy. I used to perform songs for my stuffed animals. I got asked to stop singing so loudly in 2nd grade. We got to put on the headphones in the back of the classroom if we finished our work early. I popped in a Carebear's cassette and put the headphones on.... and without realizing it, I was singing and jamming along. lol SO Embarrasing!

I'm supposed to tag 7 peeps... Lots of peeps already got this, so I'll tag these 6 bloggers:

Figure Chick

Think Six

Just Do It!

I Don't Need Excuses

Ironlady

Muscle in the City

Updates -- 17.5 weeks out

Week Three, Day Two 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 14
Set Two: 19
Set Three: 14
Set Four: 14
Max Set: 25
Total: 86 !

Today was tough at the start. I didn't have much of a warm up. I visualized doing push ups with something heavy on my back. I visualized being much stronger than I felt and it helped me crank out more than I thought I could do. Funny thing, that visualization thing... :)

So in other updates... being sick with no balance or energy is a sucky thing. I took yesterday off from everything. It should have been push ups day but I knew I'd be weak and I needed the sleep.
I got my appetite back yesterday and ate quite heartily. I was worried about the calories, but I was so hungry. I feel much better this morning. Still tired. I had a lot of strange dreams and moved around in my sleep a lot. I don't feel that exhaustion that being sick brings, just sleepy. For that, I am relieved.
I am way off track to make my goal competition in March. There is another competition 1 week later, but at this rate I don't think that one week will help. I'll have to play it by ear. I'm still going to push, but I am starting to think picking a show in the late Spring, early summer would be better. A slower, less stressful lean out would give me a more even loss... I really wanted to do this show, but if I'm not worthy of 12 weeks out in January, then I'm going to have to move the date. Hormones are playing especially mean right now, but I have to overcome. I have to see my goal through the haze. Its so hard to fight these crazy moods sometimes. Its absolutely amazing to see the impact they really have. No one wonder women seem nuts sometimes. :P

I'm easing back into working out. I don't want my body to flip out again and be sick. I'm SO over being sick. I think the infection on top of the hormonal migraines/mess just really sent me over the edge this weekend. If I could just have one issue to deal with at a time, that would be great. Thanks. I have to be better at controlling my asthma. This is going to be part of my focus for this prep. Honestly, how can my body do anything above and beyond exist if I don't allow the oxygen in? I always feel leaner after I wear my breathe right strips for a week. Sounds crazy, but there is good reason- oxygen is actually getting to where it needs to go. Funny how that works...

I'll have another blog coming up later. Much to do today though.

PS- I love comments. Even if its something like- "girl you are whack!" :) Comment so I can find you and follow. I promise to start being a better commenter myself.

Sick and a kick

I'm having a bad time lately. My hormones are completely out of control. I'm off the hook. Emotional and the swings are bad. Out of no where... Bad, bad migraines... And now I'm sick to top it off. My head is plugged and I'm dizzy. My chest has an elephant on it. :( So yeah. I feel really down. I know that I have to take care of myself, but I also have to push forward when I can.

This is a re-post from Pauline.... A good kick in the pants...

"...

It’s amazing how some people seem to assume muscle mass will just happen. You go lift a little here and there and BAM you get all muscular. no way. NO way. It’s a slap in the face to all of us who’ve been working out for years for a few pounds of lean mass addition. And then have the gut to complain about a lack of progress? Come on, what is this? Especially when this notion comes from very, very intelligent, insightful individuals. That just proves the point: physical excellence truly is a skill and a skill which needs patience and true dedication to go in bloom.

I’m fed up with those who want results in two weeks or less. I’m fed up with those who think a year of training is A LOT to do for reaching a new physique, I’m fed up with those who complain about being fat and don’t move the fat around via exercise, I’m fed up with those who don’t accept exercise as a natural part of life, I’ve had it with those who say drugs make good bodies, not work ethic and dedication.

People LOVE to blame bad genetics, bad situations, no time, nothing this nothing that. Guess what, we ALL have the same hours per day. If I remember correctly, it’s 24 and yes in Sweden as well as in Sudan and America. How you handle them is another story.

I’m fed up with those who blame husbands or wives or kids or dogs or house mortgage or work on not being able to commit. Unless you are one of the many very unfortunate ones who cannot afford somewhat healthy food, it’s no excuse to say “I don’t have time to eat healthy”. Well, how the heck do you find time to EAT at ALL if you now have no time? How come there is always time and a place for bad snacking? Suddenly there really WAS some time, wasn’t there! Hm……"

(Complete Post Here)

This can't last forever. I'll get well eventually. In the meantime- healthy food til I can move without dizziness.

Making changes

Week 3, Day One 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 12
Set Two: 17
Set Three: 13
Set Four: 13
Max Set: 18
Total: 73

Today was rough for push ups. I'm fighting off some kind of infection. My head is super congested and its hard to breathe- my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. Probably wasn't the wisest idea to do push ups, but I didn't want to lose ground on my program. I'm completely exhausted right now. I could sleep the rest of the day.

No rest for the wicked, I guess. I have to go to my cousin's house for a family photo for our grandparents. I'm not looking forward to it. Its awkward. I don't really speak to this side of my family for many reasons. I don't want to be interrogated. If they don't go that route, they'll just ignore me like they always used to. It was so passive-aggressive growing up. I guess this is one way to reflect on why I behave the way I do. I was so miserable as a kid when it came to this side of the family. I feel vulnerable and anxious and very much like a child going into this today. Weird. I guess I'd better figure out how to be my own person, once and for all. My worth does not depend on anyone else. NO ONE. I listened to all the hate-filled crap for all those years. It did a number on me, but its time to grow up, girlie. I guess that's what the last 10 years have been about.
2010 is going to be my year. I will be who I want to be. I will learn what I want to learn and do what I want to do. I will learn to be myself and love myself. This has been a long time coming and I deserve better. Being healthy and making it to the stage are just a piece of this journey. The health and fitness side of this impacts so much of the rest of my life. All the things I have sidelined in my life were due to my lack of physical ability. I am going to do amazing things this year. :) 2010 has already begun for me.

Tracy- next year You and I will be on the stage at KY Muscle. :)

Congrats to all the competitors this weekend!

Weekend Competitors Pix

So this is just a quick way for me to get pics gathered...


April!! Hottie in a Blue Bikini- lookin' stunning!!

On E

My body's gas tank, that is. I've eaten well this week. I've been good on timing. I had a slip up Monday. I was cranky about the scale still and I hadn't had Chipotle in a long while so I splurged. I got my delivery of good vitamins and I did well energy-wise at work. I've been waking up feeling the need for more sleep. I'm wiped out this morning. I'm ready to go back to bed all day. I must get some cardio in, but I am fighting the I don't care attitude. I want sleep. My head is congested so badly. I'm sure that's making me tired too. I got enough sleep. I could just keep sleeping. I have never been a coffee drinker, but I am starting to think that if I want to make it to my comp date, I might have to try it. :P

K. I can do this....

And just because it is stuck in my head... :)

Push ups, Positive Attitude & Breasts

Week Two, Day Three 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 12
Set Two: 13
Set Three: 10
Set Four: 10
Max Set: 25
Total: 70!!

It was SO much harder to do push ups this morning. Not sure what it is. My asthma has been kicking up and I'm pretty tired today. I'd love to go back to bed for a few hours. My doesn't know or seem to like this weird state. I think the bloating is mostly gone. I feel less chunky. I'm not getting on the scale though. It is evil.

I love this line:
"Your life will always respond to your outlook, so set your goals high."

I'm struggling with a few things again. It seems like when something is up, other things come down. :( Furnace is broke. Old job screwed up my paychecks pretty bad. Now money is super tight. Using the money to fix the furnace is not my idea of happy. I was supposed to go to the KY Muscle. I am going to try and swing it, but now its really got me stressed. I'm trying to focus on the positives and that I am now in a position to make some serious money if I work it right. It won't start til next month, but still... There are possibilities. :)

Just a little rant to share. I've asked my former OB/GYN to remove me from her damn list multiple times. She isn't listening. I may just send her the following...

Dear OB/GYN -> Your letter and flyer for lipo was not appreciated. I don't care if you want to remind me over and over about that service. I paid you to look at my girl parts and that is all. I know my ass is fat. It seems your fat sucking business is more important than taking care of my inside issues-- as was evident the last time I saw you- 2 YEARS AGO!! I felt like I was in for a Jiffy Lube 10 minute oil change. You left me feeling violated and bleeding. You scoffed at my concern over lumps in my breasts!! Do you think I trust you now?? Do you think I'd dare pay you to do something more invasive and risky? Ha! If you want to be a plastic surgeon, just go and do that. Don't pretend to care about my ovaries AND external beauty when all you really care about is the money.

Sorry that was so graphic. It was a terrible experience that left me feeling horrible and vulnerable. She scraped me so hard and fast that I bled-- which has never happened before. She was rough and in not interested in that part of the gig. She acted like I was stupid when I asked about my breasts having some lumps. I didn't know what the hell was going on but I was scared and asked. She freaking laughed at me. She said (and I quote) "If it was breast cancer, you'd know". Ummmm.... okay, sure. Because I know what *THAT* feels like??? Stupid b@!ch then proceeded to pitch her fat and hair removal services. I have PCOS and yeah those might interest me, but how about addressing my medical needs first!?!? So yeah. Needless to say, I switched doctors ASAP. What a piece of work she was. Just so other women out there know- the lumps in breast tissue are common in about 30% of women. Its a condition called Fibrocystic Breast Disease. Caffeine is something that can inflame the condition amongst many other things. I hadn't always had these lumps and they aren't always noticable when I do my monthly exam. So raising concern was the right thing to do. I just want to put that information out there. It is important to know.

So yeah, wow. All sorts of things in this entry. :) Hope that it was informative.
Time to go make some breakfast. :)

Push Ups and Protein Powder!

Week Two, Day Two 100 Push Ups Challenge

Set One: 10
Set Two: 12
Set Three: 9
Set Four: 9
Max Set: 21
Total: 61

Rough morning. I had so many crazy dreams last night and this morning. The last few hours before my alarm went off I was dreaming of being attacked and kept waking up. It was so strange. I was scared, but not absolutely petrified where I was frozen in place. I was trying to protect someone else (who I thought also had my welfare in mind). We kept getting cornered in a bathroom stall and I was trying to keep the attacker(s) out. Interpret that one! There was a ton going on and the rest is less clear now. Sometimes there was a baby to protect. The other person was always a woman. There were also times when older ladies would try to drop off babies and food at my door. Huh? Yeah. Crazy.
So the morning was not very restful. I am so congested and my asthma is ramped up. Maybe the nicer weather kicked up some allergies for me? It is a great morning for a workout. Ha! The quality is lacking a bit, but I'm still doing my best.

I got my delivery from Vitaglo yesterday!! I got my Beverly UMP. (yummmm) I was running low and worried I wouldn't have enough. *whew* I got my Alive vitamins, 4-3-2-1 Detox vials, and Super Cissus Rx. I am hoping the Super Cissus will help with my elbows and joints/tendons over all. The Alive! Vitamins are my favorite. It sounds crazy, but I think they work the best and I don't get hearburn from them.
Not in my Vitaglo order, but I also got some Eggnogg'n tea. I am going to try making it and using it cold mixed with my protein powder. Perhaps that will be a decent substitution to my eggnog? I am avoiding SF anything for awhile. It makes my tummy very angry and I think its the cause of my bloating and weight gain. My diet was clean but I had SF syrup with my protein pancakes 2x and I also drank some diet coke to stay awake during training. I think those two things caused me issues. I know the fake sugar is in lots of products (like my protein powder) but I am reducing as much as possible. I'll do a review of the tea and detox things later. :)

Rest You Say?

So today is a self-imposed rest day. I am wickedly tired. Another fun side effect of woman issues. My head has a dull, nagging pain. I had some bad headaches yesterday. I slept a lot and I am still tired today. Boo! I don't like this. I am going to have to work through this today at work. I'll probably just go straight to bed when I get home. I go in late tomorrow so that will be good. :)

I am really hoping this week my body gets it together. I need some small victories.

Updates, 19 weeks out

Week Two, Day One of the 100 Push Ups Challenge!
Set One: 9
Set Two: 11
Set Three: 8
Set Four: 8
Max Set: 20- OMG!
Total: 56

I went after the max set determined to push hard and not wimp out. I haven't done that many push ups in a row in.... yeah, a long time. :)

The scale and I are at war. I find it to be an a-hole right now. :P But my clothes and measurements are apparently on the scale's side too. This is terribly disappointing considering how hard I worked. My weight went UP and measurements stayed the same. I was 100% in the eating department and workouts. What gives?
Brief history- me & woman time have not gotten along for about 10 years. I always had crazy PMS before any medical intervention. I was borderline not stable. M-O-O-D-Y is barely applicable. So about 10 years ago I discovered birth control when I began getting horrible migraines. A lot of things contributed to the hormonal meltdown- I was way overextended. I was working 60 hours a week, going to school full time and had other outside activities as well. I would sleep every couple of days. I worked 3rd shift so really- I would be so wired up sometimes when I got home in the morning I couldn't sleep. So anyway, without HBC my hormones are completely whacked. I need to get down to a healthy weight before I can considered coming off them again. The way things are supposed to work is that I basically don't have periods. Having them means migraines, crazy PMS and the typical bloating, 5lbs of weight gain, etc. I should have suspected something was up. I thought it was just low carbs, but I was a major B this last week. I started getting a headache Friday and the last two days I have slept a ton and I have a headache fighting its way to take over. NOT cool. I'm hoping this passes soon, but now I'm concerned that the BC isn't working as birth control either! I have PCOS so its not likely I'd get preggers, but still... I'm not willing to risk that! Oh, and I won't get bennies for my new job until January so no fixing the non-working pill til then. *sigh* So I know what happened this week. Really. The increase was minimal and would definitely cover up any loss. 5lbs gain is nothing for PMS for me. I'm a water hog. Is that just a genetic make up thing?

Anyway, I'm 19 weeks out as of yesterday and I'm worried I won't make it. I'm adjusting the cardio intensity and doing full body stuff this week. I need to get my muscles burning up the fat. I thought things were good this week. I was starving for meals when it was time. Meal timing was great and I calories were on. I'm blaming woman crap and moving on. If next week is a bust I might cry and then try something different. :P

Progress

Day Three of the 100 Push Ups Challenge !
Set One- 8
Set Two- 10
Set Three- 7
Set Four- 7
Max Set- 14
Total- 46

I've been 100% for 4 straight days. Starting the 5th out right. :) I've been tempted so many times at the end of the day to just eat something I'm not supposed to. I've managed to keep myself on the right path. I know what sugar is and does to me. Today is a carb up day, so YAY! Its been a challenge for sure, but each day gets easier. No skipped workouts. I'm drinking tons of water. I have a body builder guy in my training class. I think we are both doing better having the support system in each other. We can drink gallons of water and its okay. We make lots of trips to the restroom. :P Its nice to have someone else understand what I'm doing and why. Most people just think you're nuts drinking that much water and not eating out of the vending machine. :) Maybe I am, but I feel good.

As far as the scale goes, progress was going well and then today I showed a gain. Grrr. I don't get it. I'm on plan, so... I'm going to keep pushing. If a few more days go by and I don't see a decent drop I might start freaking out. I don't have a lot of time to play these games! With my weight being so high, I should see steady decreases for awhile... One day at a time. I'm doing the right thing.

Off to go work shoulders!

Day 2 Push Up Challenge & Carb Cycling

Day 2 Push Up Challenge
Set 1- 6
Set 2- 8
Set 3- 6
Set 4- 6
Set 5- 12
Total: 38

I am starting to adjust to the ebb and flow of carb cycling. My body responds well. I just get moody at night. I start feeling sad and weird. When I get like that, my immediate thought is- I need carbs! Duh. No I don't. That means my meal plan is working right. :) I actually feel great most of the day on lower carbs. I don't feel as fluffy or as tired. Its the next morning that I feel like crap. This morning cardio was so hard. I was starving when I woke up and pushing through was a little hazy. I'm refueling with some yummy oats and protein powder. The rest of the day will taper the carbs out. This works well for me.

I'm running behind schedule this morning. Too little sleep = no good! Must get ready for work.

Turkey Loaf!

This is pretty much Tosca Reno's recipe. I altered it slightly, but I definitely didn't create it. Great way to get the protein in with convenience. It does take some prep time. The original recipe stated 20 minutes. More like 40 minutes. It won't take me as long next time, but its more than 20 minutes the first time.

Prep Time: 20-40 minutes; Cook Time: 1.5 hrs; Serves: 10

Ingredients:
2 TBSP EVOO
1 Yellow or Purple Onion- finely diced (food processor works wonders)
1/2 cup finely shredded carrots (I threw baby carrots in the food processor)
3/4 cup celery- finely chopped (do I need to mention the food processor?)
1 clove minced garlic
Dash of Salt; fresh ground pepper

6 Cups baby spinach, washed
1/2 cup fresh basil
1/4 cup minced cilantro
1 tsp water

1 egg (including yolk)
2 egg whites
2 TBSP tomato paste w/ 2 TBSP water mixed together
1 C veg or chicken broth
2 1/2 lbs 99% fat free ground turkey
3/4 cup oat bran or ground up oatmeal
1/4 cup ground flax seed

1. Preheat oven to 375*. Be sure to use the center rack.
Heat olive oil in a non-stick pan and cook onions, celery, carrots and minced garlic until onions are translucent but not brown. Season with salt and pepper then move to a small bowl for cooling.

2. Add washed baby spinach to pan and add 1 tsp of water. Cook until spinach is wilted. Remove from heat and let cool. Once cool, add basil and cilantro and mix well.

3. In a large (really large) bowl, mix egg, egg whites, tomato paste mixture, and broth. Add ground oats, ground flax, ground turkey along with cooked celery/onion/carrot mixture. Spray clean hands with cooking spray and mix ingredients together well.

4. Spray a 10" loaf pan with cooking spray and add half of mixture with hands. Spread wilted greens mixture evenly on top of turkey mixture. Add remaining ground turkey mixture on top of greens. Smooth top evenly with hands. This will be just over the top of the pan.

5. Bake loaf for 1.5 hrs or until a meat thermometer shows 160*F/71*C. Remove from oven and let cool 15 minutes to set. Once cool, remove loaf from pan and cut into one-inch thick slices.
Serve or refrigerate for future meals.

Nutrition Info:

Cals: 222
Protein: 33g
Carbs: 11g
Fat: 5g
Fiber: 3g



Turkey Loaf before cooking

November 1st- New Day, New Week, New Month

Day One of 100 Push Ups Challenge !
Following the prescribed sets + last set max
Set One- 6
Set Two- 6
Set Three-5
Set Four- 5
Set Five- max at 12
Total of 34 push ups.

I feel good about that. We'll see how the program progresses. I may be saying something different later. Haha! I may be switching to a knuckle style. My wrists are not happy, but they will get stronger. I'll play it by ear.

Last night was great. It was so much fun and I got to hang out with my co-workers (former?) one last time. I'm sure we'll get together now and then, but for a goodbye party it was nice. :) I cannot even begin to imagine the calories in the margaritas. Oy! They tasted fabulous. They were worth whatever calories were in them. (I can say that now. A few weeks closer to comp- not so much!) I did limit my total daily cals earlier in the day, so hopefully the damage wasn't too bad. Extra cardio all week should get me back on track. This will certainly not be a habit, but I have no regrets about my choices last night. I was completely relaxed and had so much fun. That doesn't happen with me too often. I laughed so much my abs are sore today. It was perfect. :)

I bought some candy at the last minute to pass out. I love Halloween and felt kinda scrooge-like for not buying any. I did pass some out, but not enough! Now I have to find some place to offload this ridiculous amount of sugar. Next year I will plan more and come up with something healthier. This year we were the "cool house" because we had Fun Dip. :) And awesome jack o' lanterns. :)

I'm on track this morning. No sugar for me. I had my fill with the Mexican last night. :) So tasty and I'm mentally full. I'm ready for oats, eggwhites, protein shakes, grapefruits, broccoli, asparagus, chicken, chicken, turkey.... I am making a Turkey Meatloaf this afternoon. I will share the recipe and macros along with a photo. Its based off of Tosca Reno's Clean Eating recipe with a few small modifications. I thought this would give me lots of quick and easy meals to take to training this week.

I have so much to say today! Sorry this is all over the place!

I posted this over on the Diva board... some quotes and thoughts.

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction."
--George Lorimer

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
--Wayne Dyer

"You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered."
--Wayne Dyer

“Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.”
--Peter McWilliams

You must have a vision. Each day's actions should reflect your goals and dreams. Are you determined? Determined to reach the goals you set? Are you dissatisfied- wishing you would have done more?
Can you motivate yourself? You can keep pushing, even when you don't feel like it? Can your mind and will power come together and overcome the tiredness that your body is whining about? Each day you make that choice. Each moment. Each piece of food. Its all a choice.
Are you focused on your goals? Can you see clearly in your mind where you want to be? Can you feel it? The mind is SO powerful. Don't focus on tripping in your heels or not making it to the stage the way you want. You MUST see yourself in your suit, in the spotlight, smiling and having fun! You must see yourself as you want to be seen. Whatever your specific goals are, focus your vision on that. Don't get sidetracked by all the negatives, they are of no use in this.

So yeah... :) Today the fire is lit and burning bright! We train the physical so hard that sometimes we neglect the mental stuff. Mentally we grow as we train and overcome obstacles. Sometimes some mental release (de-stressing and lots of laughter) is important. Also keeping a focus and doing vision work are important too. Seeing is believing, isn't it? *smile*

20 Weeks Out

Time is flying! I am not making much progress. :( I've really got to step it up. I'm not getting enough water. Increasing that should help. I need to stop having any carbs aside from veggies after my 3rd meal (lunch). I think those two adjustments will help as well as kicking up the cardio. I am not feeling as confident about doing this on my own. I can't pay anyone for a few months. I can hopefully afford someone guidance in January. The last 12 weeks will be crucial.

I think I am going to bypass the eggnog this year. Even one glass is not okay. I love the stuff. I may attempt a protein shake that mimics it for Christmas morning, but the real deal must be avoided. Don't tell me to do a light version- anything out of a carton makes me crave more. *sigh*

I'm really disappointed in myself. I should have been down at least 4lbs. I'm making mistakes and free meals just aren't going to happen. Tonight is it. My coworkers are having a party for me. I'll be as sensible as I can. Sunday is a new week. I start my 100 push ups challenge. I am going to be free meal-less until Thanksgiving. Even then, it won't be a free for all. Just a few tastes of my mom's dishes.

I need to get my head back in the zone. Too much celebrating the job change. Its time to get driven, determined, focused and vigilant. The goals I am after require more than what I've been giving.

100 push ups and stuff...

I decided that I need to seriously increase my upper body strength. I stink at push ups. I am not a huge fan of them- because they are weakness, so its a never ending cycle. I am doing the 100 push up challenge starting Sunday. I am planning to do this twice. The first 6 week cycle is for the modified version. Yes, I am weak. Its okay though. Everyone starts somewhere. I am starting at the "girl style". I'm excited. I've never been able to do many push ups. Doing 100 girl push ups will give me a huge gain in strength so that I can do the next stage and work my way to 100 full push ups. :)

100 Push Ups!

I am now officially done with the evil job. :D Hooray! I start the new job on Monday. I should be able to stay on a good meal schedule now. :) I won't be in a stressful panic all day long either. I plan to work hard and stay busy, but its not going to be "OMG- the sky is falling" mode. Next week is in the training room. Should be easy going. I am excited because meal timing will be so easy.

This weekend is a tough challenge in the diet department. Its my anniversary and my going away party. *sigh* I will stay on plan as much as possible and there are double cardio sessions in my future. I can't make it equal, but I can try to do some damage control.

Off to accomplish much.... its a GOOD day!

One step closer

So wow... every day that passes is one day closer to competition day. I know that day won't be here for some time, but I get butterflies thinking about it. I've been staring at bikinis all afternoon. I'm going cross-eyed. :P I have time before I need to worry about that, but I'm trying to get my vision together. I really believe "seeing" my goal and dream repeatedly will keep me on course and make it real. I think I am going with a turquoise color. I seem to get the most compliments when I wear turquoise or blue. I think I feel and look ... brighter?
I'm so pumped! I met up with a friend from a comp site and facebook. It was a good chat and I am so ready to get bikini ready. I hate lunges. Really. Hate. But, they are my magic weapon. Those and step ups. I must, must, must do them until I can do them no more. I have a great body underneath the protective layer. I'm working hard on the emotional side of things during this process as well. I don't need the fat layer to protect me any more. That's really why I have so much fat. Food was a refuge and fat is a protector. No more! Hills has got skillz! :D I am a strong and confident woman with a great body. I am so thankful that I have the potential I do. I WILL manifest my HAWT body and get a trophy while I'm at it!!

I WANT THIS BOOTY!! Lunges here I come....

Taking a look at myself

Yesterday was a stressful day. I think I was more worked up than I needed to be. My situation was definitely frustrating, but I think I went over the top. I have some serious anger issues. I'm not sure what to do. Anger is what fuels my eating usually. Sure physical cravings come into play, but really when I am ready to (or actually do) binge, its anger in the driver's seat. I relinquish all control. How do I spin out of control so easily? And how do I stop it?? I need to go back to doing yoga regularly. I am always more at peace when I have that time. Is it really just me lashing out against the world? I know that I have felt SO burdened and tired that last 4 years. I have a lot of resentment. I haven't dealt with some things and they are crammed down deep inside to be ignored as long as possible. To deal with some of these things means I can't continue with my daily life without some major interruption. The emotional impact means my professional life will be wrecked for awhile, while I recover. As a general rule, the 2 companies I've been with during the traumatic times were far from understanding. Neither would have given me any time to heal up and cope. In the end, it falls on me. I was too proud to admit I really and truly needed it. I thought I could mentally work through things instead of going through a complete healing process- which includes the breakdown, tears and emotional repair. I just mentally processed the facts and it was done-- or so I thought. Yeah. Not so much.

So the healing begins... In order to get a true handle on my eating, I need to heal the angry girl inside. She feels something was stolen from her (rightfully so) and she's never had a chance to heal. She moved forward, but always had the sadness, rage, fear and suspicion boiling inside. Each attempt at a dream seemed to end in failure-- only adding to the anger and sadness.

Its time to be fair, honest and gentle with myself. I have a strong will. I can use will power to take me so far, but in the end, if I don't deal with what pushes me past the point of control, I will never make my goals. I'm not a failure for not reaching my goals last year. I've never been a failure.
Little hurting girl inside, its okay. Its not your fault you are hurting. Its time to heal. Its time to let go and be free again. Its time to let your inner sun shine bright again. Its okay. Its safe.

21 Weeks Out

Today marks 21 weeks out. This week was... interesting. It started out rough. I gained an additional 3lbs and ended up the week - 1lb. ??? Maybe my muscles were holding water? It was stressful for my mind to see the increases. I felt fatter and that's why I weighed in so much. Today I feel thinner and less puffy. The water definitely dropped. Maybe it was the magic pumpkin soup I made yesterday? :P I'll post pics and the recipe later. It was tasty and definitely higher in carbs, but tons of healthy fiber. :)

I feel better prepared for this next week. I have a feel for how my body reacted this week. I'm going to do better at the carb ratios and definitely stick with more whole foods when possible. Protein powder has its place for sure, but I need to strive for real foods not from any kind of container. :)

So far so good. Cranking up the intensity this week.

cravings

Dear Body,
Please stop it!!
Thanks.

I'm so done with these cravings. >:(

Rough night. I'll be okay in the morning.

Breakfast Omelet

1 egg
4 egg whites
1/2 handful chopped spinach
2 small mushrooms
3-4 TBSP chopped red peppers
3-4 TBSP chopped yellow peppers

250 Calories (will vary slightly depending on the veggies)
35g Protein
7g Carbohydrate

This was SO filling. I couldn't even eat it all...


veggies!


In process


Finished Product!

Sometimes this makes all the difference for me

I often go back to this video for a number of reasons. First, the song moves me. I often have it in my cardio playlist where I do a lot of vision work. I can close my eyes and really see things happening. Second, the pug skydiving is just too cute. This guy does a lot of stuff including surfing with his pug. The dog is totally acclimated to doing new stuff and enjoys it. I've always wanted to try sky diving and well... this sealed the deal. I WILL go skydiving in 2010. I get all choked up every time I watch this. :P

Here are the lyrics to the Speed of Sound by Coldplay...

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

Change in Plans

So I am now making a serious effort to consume whole foods as much as possible. I really think that will help me drop. I hate eating meat, but I've got to cut back on the protein powder, too. I see lots of eggwhites in my future. I'm sure using the protein powder and eliminating all other dairy will help. Dairy will keep me bloated. Maybe I should look for other protein sources in powder. I love my Beverly International UMP so much. Maybe I'll try Hemp Protein. Anyone try this?

Goal tomorrow is to make all my meals whole foods.

Day 5

So today was Day 5. How have I done so far? Eh... not as good as I hoped. I'm frustrated. I am eating much cleaner than before and the weight is going up, not down. I'm sure the super long days, screwy meal timing and stress are making my hormone levels wacko. I'm retaining water like no other. I am hoping rest and the next few days off of work will help push a drop. I am fighting off another infection. Sinus and chest congestion. I am hoping that I can heal up and stop my hormonal mess.

I redid my blog layout. I'm going to be changing my flower picture soon, but I'm still working on collage. I felt like a new challenge needed a new look. :)

I'll have more later...

22 Weeks Out & some reflection

This is gonna be a quick one. I am already running late, but the thoughts are here and I need to write them down. My relationship with food has been a deviant one. A perverse one. A dysfunctional one. Just as people often look on drug addicts, alcoholics, battered women or even women who "just won't leave that a-hole", I am sure my relationship with food would be looked at the same way. Food has gently caressed me and told me everything will be okay. Its comforted me, its eased my rage. While it did all its comforting it was wreaking havoc all over my body. Just as any other addict turns to his or her piece of comfort, I chose food. Sure, food hasn't caused me to have black eyes, broken ribs, job loss, family malfunctions, etc. It isn't quite the obvious affliction that many other addictions are, but that makes it more dangerous. Its not as scary or seemingly as harmful as being addicted to heroin. Its just food... Right. I may not be strung out, hooking for my next fix, but I did sell my body. I gave it up when I said yes to sugar, salt, chemical laden crap-out-of-a-box. The years of abuse and addiction I gave myself has long term ramifications. I have to start seeing food as fuel and not as comfort. Its not an easy thing to do. When for so long my best friend has been something that comforted me through so much stress and rage. Its not an easy transition. That's why I fail time and time again. I learn something each time, so its not all lost... but its time wasted mostly.

I am 22 weeks out from the NPC Natural Ohio. For many, that's plenty of time. For me, the clock is ticking. I have a solid game plan. I do have some free meals or morsels allotted. I'm not naive to my prep being around the holidays. No hog-wild feeding frenzies. Just little bites. I love my mom's green bean casserole. So, a little bit isn't going to break the whole thing. I just don't have to have ridiculous portion sizes. Christmas will allow my traditional eggnog, but perhaps a healthier protein version will be concocted. After New Year's is 12 weeks out. I will evaluate what I can do for my birthday at this time. My birthday might just be a glass a wine with chicken and veggies. :P This is a process and I am hopeful this time. More hopeful than I have been. I am not relying on some trainer to just tell me what to do. (not that I am knocking that). I am just finally understanding how the pieces fit together. Things are clicking and I am proud to be doing this myself. I may hire someone a few weeks out to help me tweak if needed, but for now, I know what needs to be done. I WILL be hitting that stage in March!!

DAY ONE of 154 days (22 weeks) has begun!

Big Changes in Progress

So...
Job change on the front. Its going to allow me to actually eat on a schedule. I'm stoked about that. Eating on schedule means I won't freak out for carbs so bad.

I am now using a Tracking Program called The Carrot . It lets me track weight, measurements, mood, energy levels, exercise, food intake and more. It will give reports for each as well as put them together. It will be nice to have this program on my phone too. I highly recommend it.

There is a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders with the changes that are happening. Now I just need to push it and get the fat burning off too.

Quick Update & NEW Fitness & Nutrition Log!!

I have been having a great week. I am so pleased. My workouts have been great and my eating MUCH cleaner. I hope to be back in the gym next week. It gives me more variety. My schedule has just been whacked this week. 12 hour work days are getting tiring. I love having 3 days off instead of two, but it seems like one day is half wasted because I sleep so much. By November I'll be in a new store. MUCH better boss... MUCH longer drive, but it will be worth it to reduce the stress. The drive time will give me a chance to listen to books or motivational speakers, etc. It will be some good self-improvement time.

Its about 7 weeks from KY Muscle. OMG. I'm so excited. I have to make some huge improvements. I don't want to be the fat girl I was last year. I am hoping to say hi to Julie again and I'll be taking pictures of our Diva Girls! Can't wait! I need to book a room soon....

Oh!! I have to do a quick plug for this: Fitbody Training & Nutrition Log . Its awesome. I just ordered mine today. I don't have a trainer right now and this is a perfect way to log everything in ONE place! :D

There are more pages, but I just wanted to share a couple quick pictures from Julie's FB. Awesome!!! I can't wait til mine arrives!!!

Failure?

Nah...

"Realize that there is no such thing as failure. Keep this in mind and you will achieve
all that you conceive in your mind. You never fail, you simply produce results.”
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

I love this. Its so much better than getting into a negative mindset. I am really working hard on mindset right now. I promise I'll do a real blog soon. I'm really pleased with where I am. I have much to accomplish, but everything is in the NOW. Positive thoughts playing in my subconscious are so much healthier than the negative. Whatever action I choose, produces a result. It may be in line with what I desire or believe, it may not. Its up to me to take the action that makes sense. ;)

Motivation....

Its been awhile. :)
Haven't been posting anywhere really, just facebook updates and that's about it. A lot going on in my world... anyway... Sundie posted this on the Diva Board and I thought it was SO good.

"

Every person has a dream, which he or she wishes to fulfill at some point of time in his or her life. It could be about anything – to build a booming business, become a successful model, go on a world tour, serving the less privileged ones or simply getting married to someone you love.

However, dreams don’t come true unless you are motivated enough to work towards your goals and strive persistently until they are accomplished. As the road to success gets tougher, most people lose heart and soon give up on their dreams.

The initial enthusiasm and determination withers away and it becomes extremely challenging to re-motivate yourself again to pursue your dreams with renewed vigor.

If you are one of those who follow their dreams for a while and suddenly lose interest if it takes a bit too long to attain them, then you can use the following tips to stay motivated:

* You need to develop a positive frame of mind and create a vivid vision about the dream. This vision must also portray you as an achiever who has finally got what he always wanted. You must also weigh your strengths and weaknesses carefully so that you can build an effective strategy to achieve your goals. You must also decide how badly you want to attain your goals because without commitment none of the strategies will work.

* Next step is to identify all those things that inspire you and the ones that de-motivate. You may find success stories of other people highly motivating or may have a role model who inspires you.

* Ask yourself if you have the passion, which is a vital ingredient of success. In the absence of passion, it will be difficult to achieve even smaller goals. Career consultants regard passion as the biggest motivator and if believe that if you have passion, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

* You need to find out the reason “why”. Why do you have the dream in the first place? You want to find out the motivation that keeps your dreams alive. When the journey gets tiring, it’ll keep you going on. This process also allows you to have a greater self-awareness of yourself. What do you really want in life? And why do you want it.

* Now that you have found a way to stay motivated, you need to have a back-up plan just in case things don’t go your way. It happens to everybody at some point of time – you believe that by doing ‘A’, you will get ‘B’, however by the end of the day you realize that the outcome was just not what you had expected. This can he highly de-motivating, however, having a good strategy for a ‘rough day’ can boost your confidence in trying times. You may also seek peace of mind and tranquility through yoga or meditation. It will not only have a soothing effect on your mind, but also give you an entirely different perspective to look at problems and failures.

* Another important aspect you must take into account is the environment you are in. Environment includes the surroundings as well as the people around you. It should be positive and energizing or else it will have a negative psychological effect on you. Choose to be with people who support you and motivate you to move on.

So, declutter your mind to eliminate emotional drains and free up energy. It will lift your spirits and also help you to set your priorities right. Don’t lose sight of your goals, reminisce your visions and invent your own path to success! "

This was written by George Tee.