Sunday, October 25, 2009

Taking a look at myself

Yesterday was a stressful day. I think I was more worked up than I needed to be. My situation was definitely frustrating, but I think I went over the top. I have some serious anger issues. I'm not sure what to do. Anger is what fuels my eating usually. Sure physical cravings come into play, but really when I am ready to (or actually do) binge, its anger in the driver's seat. I relinquish all control. How do I spin out of control so easily? And how do I stop it?? I need to go back to doing yoga regularly. I am always more at peace when I have that time. Is it really just me lashing out against the world? I know that I have felt SO burdened and tired that last 4 years. I have a lot of resentment. I haven't dealt with some things and they are crammed down deep inside to be ignored as long as possible. To deal with some of these things means I can't continue with my daily life without some major interruption. The emotional impact means my professional life will be wrecked for awhile, while I recover. As a general rule, the 2 companies I've been with during the traumatic times were far from understanding. Neither would have given me any time to heal up and cope. In the end, it falls on me. I was too proud to admit I really and truly needed it. I thought I could mentally work through things instead of going through a complete healing process- which includes the breakdown, tears and emotional repair. I just mentally processed the facts and it was done-- or so I thought. Yeah. Not so much.

So the healing begins... In order to get a true handle on my eating, I need to heal the angry girl inside. She feels something was stolen from her (rightfully so) and she's never had a chance to heal. She moved forward, but always had the sadness, rage, fear and suspicion boiling inside. Each attempt at a dream seemed to end in failure-- only adding to the anger and sadness.

Its time to be fair, honest and gentle with myself. I have a strong will. I can use will power to take me so far, but in the end, if I don't deal with what pushes me past the point of control, I will never make my goals. I'm not a failure for not reaching my goals last year. I've never been a failure.
Little hurting girl inside, its okay. Its not your fault you are hurting. Its time to heal. Its time to let go and be free again. Its time to let your inner sun shine bright again. Its okay. Its safe.

1 comment:

Sunnie said...

What a wonderful post:) I think if you have figured out what is causing your emotional eating then you are almost there. Some will just go through life and never realize it is anger that is causing it. In my mind I picture Diane Keaton in First Wives Club when she is in therapy and the therapist ask her to use the foam thingy to hit her and she barely hits her until all the anger is starting to come to the surface and then she knocks the crap out of her and won't stop. I think maybe you need to do that to the people who have made you so angry and then maybe you will feel better:) I know it worked for Diane. I do not mean to make lite of the fact that you are truly having these issues I just wanted to make you smile:) Hugs! Hang in there! you are a wonderful, sweet and caring person. I can tell and I have never even met you in person.