Thursday, July 30, 2009

Some relief...

Things are at least a little better in the work arena right now. I had a conference call with the District Manager, the Assistant DM, and our Human Resource manager. They were supportive. I was assured many times today that things would be taken care of. We'll see what happens. For now, I know I have support. The assistant DM came in to coach me and crunch numbers today. He really helped me out and the fact that someone cares about what is happening takes a huge load off. I need to do well tomorrow, but I think I have a shot at making it for the month. Its going to be close, but I think I can do it.

Now for the fitness aspect of this blog... I've been a bum. My workouts have been sporadic. Eating has been decent. Not competition clean, but my overall habits are good. I need to tighten in the reigns and back into a workout schedule. I guess since I no longer have my trainer I am wandering around lost. My workouts are a bit stale. I was thinking of doing something like P90X or something, but I'm not sure if I have enough room... I love circuit training so I may do that and add my yoga and kickboxing back in. I have a little over 3 months to get my butt ready if I want consider bikini at the KY Muscle. I'm going to get back into the groove and focus hard. The KY Muscle is a more realistic show for me at this point. At the worst, I can get myself closer to the right condition for the Spring shows and I'll just take pictures at KY... hmmm.... We'll see what the next few months bring. I'm saving the cash that I can and picking up extra photos gigs for now. :) I'll be taking more photos on Saturday. Its time to get down and dirty! ;)

Thanks for all the support friends. It means a ton!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I didn't know where else to write this, but I have to get it out. I am anxious as anything right now. I feel sick and vulnerable. I had the most horrible dream this morning. I know it was directly related to my work situation. I just really felt horrible. A man did something horrible and I witnessed someone die. (it turns out it was this man's brother). This crazy SOB kept chasing me around asking me what his brother's death was like- almost like he was accusing me of doing the killing! Police and other people were involved trying to detain this man. It was very chaotic and almost circus-like. Somewhere along the line, I tripped over a pitchfork. I picked it up and turned around. The man ran right into it. I don't think I can even begin to describe the horror I feel. I don't know how the mind works. I have never stabbed someone with a pitchfork, but I tell you I know how it feels after this dream! :( Its just so horrible. I freaked out and ran. The stupid forks went all the way through him. He didn't die! He pulled the thing out and kept coming after me. I was screaming and running and screaming and running. Eventually other people tried to find him and get me away, but the chase was still on. He just kept asking me what it was like to watch his brother die.
My chest hurts. I woke up half screaming, half sobbing. :( I feel so vulnerable and just sad. I feel sick. I layed back down and prayed to have a better dream to replace it. I had more dreams, but they were chaotic and I am sitting here with chest pain from the anxiousness. I tried to play stupid facebook games to divert my mind... it didn't work.
At work, my boss has always been a classic abuser. One minute giving you the verbal thrashing of your life- telling you how insignificant and inept you are. The next minute buying lunch saying he appreciates everyone. The beatings are much longer and occur more often, but he has some redeeming qualities to him. Over time, the memory and freshness of the beatings overpowers the redeeming qualities. One night I ended up staying 3.5 hours over to help because we were so swamped, understaffed and I knew my coworkers couldn't handle his lunacy alone. He was out of control. SO nasty to me, belittling me and and slamming everyone for their incompetentcies. I finally yelled back at him that I was not going to help anymore if he didn't stop. I had mentioned several times that I was not scheduled and I was simply staying to help. He stopped riding me so hard, but continued griping and complaining in the back room. After we left the building he followed me to my car and essentially vommited all his emotions, thoughts and anger on me. He said many terrible things about people. One thing in particular just wouldn't stop eating at me. I told my assistant managers that I didn't know what to do with this info, but maybe they should talk to him. (for the record- it was very inappropriate and related to sexual preferences). As a manager he should know better. I didn't take the issue to HR, someone else did. I don't care that it was outside the building. I didn't ask to be involved in the conversation. He already has a long list of reasons he should be let go. He is beyond angry at me. The no-retaliation-policy is a farce. I'm concerned. I don't know how this ends for him. I don't think anyone does at the moment. I just want out. I think my dream is quite clear. I just wish the imagery didn't have to be so horrific. No one is going to help me in this job until its too late. I simply need to move on. I just wish the moving on was easier. Stupid job market.
I feel paralyzed. Its sucks. I'm trying to get my head together so I don't fall apart. I need to have a strong workout session to feel empowered. I need to get my groove back. I'm no victim, dangit- I'm a survivor!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Masters National Comp Photos

I already posted a beautiful picture of Tara. I just wanted to post the link to the whole album. You can see some of the A class and the B classes for 35+. I got some bodybuilding women and the teen and collegiate men. I had such a blast taking these pictures. I really do love taking pictures. I think this may be a new direction for me. :) Anway... here is the link. Bella Vita Photography

I can't stop looking at my photos. :P I'm not sure if its because I am so amazed that I took these pictures or if I am so amazed at Tara and the other totally ROCKIN' bodies. Maybe both! Hee Hee... At any rate... I hope you like them. Next time I'm beating someone up for a better seat. ;)

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Just some fabrics that I thought might be good for a suit...

Shiny Teal

And if I could figure out if I could stone around this... woo... would look sweet, but I bet I'd be over it by the time it was stoned. lol

Metallic Teal Blue Paisley Print on Teal Blue Stretch Velvet

One way to get some fire back...

Go to a Comp!! I went to the Masters Nationals yesterday. WOW! If anyone EVER says they are too old to be in shape, you can kick them in the shins! There were some FABULOUS over 55 women and men.

I saw my friend Tara on stage (and in person of course) WOW!!! Completely gorgeous inside and out. She is SO SUPER SWEET!! I just adore her! She was absolutely stunning on stage. I thought for sure she was 1st in her class. So did her trainer. She placed 2nd which is still great in a class of 16! She gave me a little gift that was SOO sweet. I will live by these words and cherish her card. *sniff* She's wonderful!
Here she is!

I wanna be like her when I grow up! :P

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pearls of Wisdom for the Doormats of the World...

Hmmm... perfect little tidbit for me today. Thank you Chalene Johnson...

"By failing to respect yourself, your own time, your own boundaries and what's important to you, others actually lose respect for you."

In her blog she also mentioned that we teach people how to treat us.

Yep. I've taught people that I will bend over backwards and that I should be treated as a doormat. No respect needed. All I ever wanted was to be nice to people and make others happy. In the end, I conveyed to people that I didn't care about myself and neither should they. Unfortunately, people take advantage where they can... even if they really don't mean any ill will. It just happens.

This is going to take some work to get rid of this "I give all of myself" attitude. I can't change overnight, but this is clearly something I need to work on. Thank you Universe for shedding the light on this.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Little Bit Brighter

Tina- Thank YOU!!! You are the best!! Much love to you! You really have no idea how much you impact me and lift me up. <3

Evelyne- Hang tough girl! We can do this!! (((HUGS)))

I had a looooonnnnngggg day today. I'm glad tomorrow is my last day of work. Its been hell. I'm feeling more... chipper? I feel a little brighter today. I ate clean. I skipped my workout, but there is still some time this evening. I was just SO dead this morning. I would have been going through the motions for sure. I just had nothing to give this morning. I was wiped out. I don't feel bad or guilty. I had to respect my body and mind this morning. I feel good about that choice. I usually just flagelate myself into a miserable state. The words of worthlessness and self-hatred usually wash over me. But not today. I am making it a practice to say nice things to myself. I am working hard on stopping the broken soundtrack of my life. No more name calling- I call myself idiot or stupid a lot. I know I am not and would be offended if anyone else said the things I have said to myself. Isn't that just weird? Why the self abuse? I am going to have some self-love mantras along with some other things in my arsenal.

I am longing for my more vegetarian roots. I miss the legumes and fresh produce. I am hating poultry- a lot. I can do eggs and protein powders. I just don't feel good eating this much meat. It really does interfere with my ability to stay on program. Its not that I'm just tired of chicken. I physically can't override my disgust sometimes. I can do a meal or 2 a day if I have to. I can get past it for that. 4-5 meals a day? I just can't. 3 feels like a stretch sometimes. Veggies I can do. I love beans. I need to find appropriate substitutions. I know that sometimes a boring meal plan or eating things that aren't my favorite is part of the game. I'm not silly enough to think that pizza and chipotle will help me lose weight. However, I have to have foods that I can deal with. I feel very pleased when I have an apple for a snack. Fresh fruits are my favorite. I feel compelled to beat myself up for "not being strong enough", but this is of no use. I am me and specially created. I have certain tastes, compassions, beliefs and feelings. My choosing and desiring fresh plants instead of cooked animals is OK. I have nothing against anyone who chooses and or LIKES meat. I have no issues. I simply have MY own preferences. I don't condemn anyone for their choices or preferences. I just need to honor myself.

I am going to start up Yoga again next month. I just feel at home on the mat. Even though I am not that good or strong yet, I love it. It just feels RIGHT. I want to continue the intense weight and cardio sessions. I just want to add Yoga to my activity list.

I feel so positive when I think about honoring myself. I feel like I am on the right path. Hmmm... amazing. :D

I want to say THANK YOU to all my friends who have been with me and supported me so many times along this journey. You really mean a lot to me!

I feel blessed...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I'm really struggling today. I always have to fight harder when I'm tired. I am so drained after the last 7 days of work. Today is day 8. *ugh* I have today, Wednesday and Thursday left. Possibly Friday depending on how my numbers are. I can't wait until this weekend. Too bad I'm still super fat. I think the stress is making it worse. I'm busting my arse in workouts. My food and water intake are still too light. My body is just hoarding all the calories I'm sure. I haven't been 100% the last few days either. :( I just haven't had the will to eat anymore cucumbers and chicken. I'm still doing my best to choose healthy, but it hasn't been the prescribed plan. I am a bit frustrated. I emailed the trainer a week and a half ago and still haven't heard from him. :( I know he's super busy. I've put myself at the bottom of his importance list. "Real" competitors are more important during this season and I can't seem to stay 100% compliant for more than a week or so at a time without some blunder. :( I need to change my mindset. I am hoping that this weekend with a bunch of amazing bodies and the most AWESOME Tara will get me straightened out. I truly need a break from life as it is. I need some PAUSE button so I can really tune in for a moment or two and listen to ME.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The last couple of days I have really lost my focus. Just getting through each work day without failing too bad has been my goal. I'm frustrated that let myself fall from 100%. I just can't seem to get my head fully in the game. With things like unemployment, no money, moving back with parents, relationship turmoil, work stress... with all these things taking up so much mental energy I'm finding it hard to push through. I haven't been thin in SOOO long. I really turned up the intensity this week and I felt some changes, but the scale and measurements don't reflect what I felt. I fell apart Friday and was half-ass on Saturday. By the time I reach my next day off of work I'll have worked 11 days straight. I need a day to regroup but that aint happenin'. My energy to keep doing double workouts every day is waneing. It doesn't seem like they are making that much impact anyway. :( Its my own fault for not getting enough water in. My legs are huge. They are firm, but huge! Actually everything is this way right now. You can push on my arms and legs and back and they feel firm and strong. I just have all this fat and water on top that isn't going away. I swear my stomach is flatter but who knows. :P
At this point I just want to get the fat off and feel energetic and look good for Halloween. I'm starting to feel like there is NO way for me to do a comp this year. I thought I might be able to pull of Bikini rather than figure for the fall, but I don't want to push and fail and push and fail. I'm tired of this stupid mental spin cycle. I guess maybe I don't want it bad enough to overcome? I don't feel equipped to overcome. Lack of energy is a HUGE enemy of mine. For over 3 years I slept if I wasn't working. I was ALWAYS tired. And after 3 years of that, I tend to panic if I feel that exhaustion coming on. I don't want to go through that hell again. I was SO tired no matter how much I slept.

I've been trying to figure out when it was that I lost myself. I lost my drive and energy and spunk. I was feisty and NOTHING was going to stop me from reaching my goals. When did that change? When did I give up on me? When did I become complacent? I went from Type A on the outside to Type B with A raging on the inside. That's why I ended up depressed. Type A girl was in lock down, desperately wanting out. When she was angry about being stuffed down inside, type B had to keep stuffing her down- with food!! That's why I eat when I'm angry!! OMG. I just realized this. Ok. So I am still trying to determine that moment when I gave up, but I want ME back. I need to keep moving forward. I need to find that fire and drive.
I really like this from Tom Venuto- "In the end, the buck stops with you. You must accept personal responsibility for your success. You must develop and use your personal power."
Where did that personal power go to? I gotta get it back.

I enjoy learning. I like reading. I like school. I loved being in college. I want to go back to school to be an x-ray tech. I have to schools near me that I could go to. My current situation makes it nearly impossible. I wonder if getting some of *THAT* mojo back- having that feeling again... I wonder if I can somehow light the fire a different way and let that spread... I used to be full of fun and fire. I used to love life. I was always shy, but I did things and took risks. Not as many as I wanted to, but I was more involved in living life than now.

Excuse the rambling and randomness.

Goals/ Dreams/ Desires

1- Go skydiving
2- Own and ride horses again
3- Lose the fat- FOR GOOD! No more rollercoaster!
4- Resuce animals- have at least one dog (more preferred)
5- Compete in bikini or figure
6- Increase photography gigs
7- Travel to Africa and the Galopagos Isl. for photography (add get published to that too)
8- Do a fitness model shoot (be the model, not the photographer!)
9- Do pin-up style calendar
10- Go back to school
11- Learn to live, love and BE Me!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Positive Thinking

Thanks Tea for posting this!

Positive Thinking - 28 Ideas For Keeping Your Positive Energy Flowing

by Barbara Small

1. Remember that your thoughts create your destiny. Recognize your own power to create your life.

2. Stop worrying. Often by worrying we feel like we are "doing" something about a problem when we aren't. When we worry we are in the past or in the future. By staying in the present we can actually problem-solve the situation as it actually exists.

3. Don't believe in defeat. Unexpected opportunities often come with what initially seem like negative outcomes or mistakes . Also, when you feel defeated, make a list of the factors that are supportive of you, rather than focusing on those that are against you.

4. Stop all those little negatives because they grow in to large ones. Use thought stopping and the steps toward changing your negative self-talk.

5. Name what is blocking your positive thoughts. What prevents you from thinking positive all the time?

6. Examine each of your core beliefs in terms of how it operates in your life. Make a commitment to yourself to eliminate the ones that cause you distress or problems.

7. Focus on the present. Your energy is drained by regretting the past and worrying about the future. Stay grounded in the here-and-now where it is easier to actually problem-solve the real situations.

8. When faced with a problem, focus on possible solutions and the resources that you do have. Brainstorm. What are the many options available, not just the black-and-white solutions or obvious ones?

9. Take self-responsibility. Stop blaming others for your unhappiness. Recognize the consequences of your choices.

10. Identify your personal definition of success. This helps you decide which path you want to take and to know when you have arrived at your goal. Your definition of success will be unique to you. No one else can define it for you.

11. Fill your life with positive supportive people. Allow their positive opinion of you in. Don't block them because their opinions do not fit your image of yourself. What is the worse thing that could happen if you thought positive thoughts about yourself? You might actually feel more energetic and motivated and have more fun!

12. Avoid draining your energy by focusing on the past and looking at mistakes that have already been made. Focus on the lesson learned and not on the mistake. What can you learn from the choice you made, whether it was a good choice or not?

13. Express your appreciation and positive feelings toward others. Say thank you when they complete simple daily tasks. Avoid draining your energy focusing on what they didn't or haven't done.

14. When feeling overwhelmed by change, make a list of what is staying the same and what is not changing. What do you already know? What can you keep doing the same as before?

15. Acknowledge out loud your positive traits and successes. Question why it is considered conceited or arrogant to talk about what you do well.

16. Keep a gratitude journal. Each night before bed list three things that you are grateful for that day. Some days it may simply be that you are grateful that the day is finally over

17. Work at being content with who you are rather than pleasing others by wearing your social mask. When you wear a mask and try to be everything to everyone it can be exhausting. There is no space left for you. Also, I find that in order to please everyone I would have to keep switching masks for each new person because everyone will want something different.

18. Ask yourself: "How do I manufacture my own unhappiness?"

19. Keep asking yourself what is really important. In five years how much will this really matter?

20. Brainstorm a list of what makes you happy. Direct your attention to what pleases you. How can you allow or create more of this in your life?

21. Practice random acts of kindness.

22. Suspend judgment of yourself and others. Practice self-acceptance and acceptance of others. What does judging yourself or someone else achieve? Acceptance does not mean never changing. However, you cannot change what you don't recognize or accept you are doing.

23. Affirm and reaffirm your assets. List ten achievements you have obtained over the last 5 years. It could be finding a new job, taking a course, learning a new skill or changing your attitude.

24. Trust your intuition. Your intuition is that "gut feeling" or that hunch. It is your inner self speaking to you.

25. Create a home environment that is pleasing and nurturing to you.

26. Work at a job that energizes you.

27. Slow down. Learn to respond, rather than react.

28. Our own attitude is often what we see reflected in others. People in our lives act as mirrors to allow us to see ourselves more clearly. If you are surrounded by negative people, take a look at yourself. How might these people be a reflection of your own attitude? Similarly, as you become more positive you will attract more positive people to you. Initially though, as you become more positive the negative people in your life may escalate their negatively in order to try to pull you back in. Remember it is not your job to change them. Focus your energy on being more positive and creating more positive energy in your own life.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Inner Calm

I am feeling more at peace this evening. Having some awesome friends and wise words surely helped! I got my workout in and I am proud of that. I have to get up early tomorrow for another workout and then go to the gym tomorrow night. *whew* Rough day ahead!

I found some affirmations I used to do when I was also practicing yoga more. I really do need to get back to yoga. I am pretty happy with my direction for now. I will do my affirmations in the morning to set my mind in the right place. Tomorrow or Thursday I will write out goals and possible steps to accomplish those goals. I also will write my resignation letter tomorrow and be ready to turn it in at any time. If I didn't have to think about money, I'd walk away tomorrow and never look back. I'd go to school this fall for X-ray tech and I'd take photos whenever I could. If I was able to, I'd spend a couple of months off of work altogether. I'd workout, relax, do some serious soul searching and volunteer work. I'd overhaul my life. If only... stupid money and bills! I don't want to not work, I would just love some time to get my head straight and let my heart feel free...

Thank you again friends!! I am so serious when I tell you that you mean the world to me and your support means more than words can say.


So I'm pretty frustrated. I hate my job, I have been looking for something new for awhile now. I have my resume out and I have applications in all over. I am the major source of income. I am 95% of the income. I'm trying to change that, but its not like the job market is booming here. TONS of layoffs mean people from all industries are getting basic jobs just to try and support their families. I guess I shouldn't vent so much. Sharing what really is going on in my head gets me reprimanded and talked to with "tough love". I am a fat girl. I have a fat girl thought pattern. I'm insecure and when shit hits the fan it manifests physically for me. I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. I am doing the best I can do. I want to hide away and wait til everything is over. I know that's not the answer. I'm trying to get over this fear that has paralyzed me so many times before. Its not easy and I WILL go through rough patches. I'm just angry that I'm getting the "GET OVER IT" message. I'm frickin' trying!! I am working with the tools I have! I'm working with my issues in all their glory. I'm working with the instability that makes me ill. Sure, I don't have a loved one that has recently passed. That's right around the corner. :( My grandma has Alzheimers's. My mom is overweight and stressed. I can focus on all sorts of things in my life that aren't healthy or stable. My marriage is quite on the rocks. What should I do? Just quit my job and keep looking and meanwhile go broke, lose my apartment and live out of my car? Should I walk away from everything? Do those alternatives bring me any more peace?
I'm fighting my old ways and doing the best I can. I know things have to change. Perhaps I'll just quit and see if I can get donations to live until the job market clears up?

Some days, I'm just not that strong... maybe I am just the fat girl failure that I try to fight off every day.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Commenting Works!! & More

Well, Whadyaknow! I got the comments working! Feel free to comment at me now. :P So... comp prep has been shaky at best lately. I've been fighting a lot of inner demons. Doesn't it always boil down to that though? I bought a book called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl . AWESOME book. The author does a fantastic job at getting into the mindset and thoughts of "Fat Girls". Reading what she used to be like, its hard to believe she is a size 2 and has been for 20 years! Wow! I am feeling relieved and hopeful. I highly recommend this book to anyone trying to get a handle on things or looking to finish off the battle with food and themselves.

I have some major stress hitting me right now. I'm struggling with my work situation. I'd like nothing more than to walk away. I'm tired of mentally feeling beaten down each day. I don't have a positive grasp on myself yet. I'm fighting my old inner voice that tells me I'm bad, fat, unworthy, etc. I don't need to be in an environment daily that repeats that on loudspeaker x1000. I have a list of all my positive qualities and why I am worth the effort. Why I can and deserve to reach my goals and dreams. I deserve not only a healthy and strong body, but a healthy and happy disposition. I have let myself get beaten down for the last 4 years. I am not going to take the abuse anymore. Its time for me to take care of me. I will have the strong and fit body I desire. I will have health and energy. I will LIVE again instead of hiding and wishing I could do more.

So yeah... there it is. Tomorrow is a fresh day. I'm off of work. I intend to make the best of each moment. No more "Fat Girl" mentality.