Thursday, June 11, 2009

Some progress...

I guess the comments don't work on this blog. :( I'm not sure how to fix that. I just love this layout though. I'll try to find out what is going on.

I am finding I have a love/hate relationship with leg exercises. They are really hard for me. Well not leg extensions, but squats and lunges are rough. I am getting much better at them and I am actually starting to like them. After seeing the results of doing lots of lunges and ball squats, step ups and leg extensions, I am pretty stoked. They are still challenging, but I am liking how well they work. I am in a smaller jean size and in 7lbs my smaller work pants will be comfy. I'm totally pumped about that. I've got to be spot on in food and training this week. I'm not sure if I can do the full 7lbs, but I should expect another 5 and that makes me happy. Seeing some results is a perfect reward and motivator. I start feeling like poultry for breakfast doesn't suck so bad afterall. :P

Monday, June 8, 2009

Major FAIL


Sometimes I just want to call myself an asshole. Really. I just had a major FAIL about 2 minutes ago. Hubs and I are in really rocky place and I just freaked out hardcore. I fought and fought. I chugged 3/4 of a liter of water and paced around the house I tried lifting weights. No go. I'm too embarrassed to call my trainer and tell him I'm a big fat loser. I couldn't choke down vegetables. I *had* to have chocolate. I don't keep anything tempting in the house. My husband, however, does. He's skinny as a rail and it doesn't matter what the hell he eats. I found his CoCo Roos. I thought just a small handful would be enough to calm the rage in my mind. I was freaking possessed by the need for chocolate. Yeah. So much for a handful. Damnit.
I'm not in a good place right now. At all. I'm so mad at myself. I'm sure all my hard work has been undone. It works like that with my body. 1 screw up and its all over. Starting from scratch. *sigh* I'm starting to feel like- "Why bother??" I hate that I just can't seem to get over this.
I know this is strongly associated with my relationship. Maybe it is time. :(

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Steps towards progress...

Yesterday I felt completely run down. I know it was the lack of sleep and allergies that were kicking me down. It was good that it was a rest day. I got some good sleep last night and I'm feeling overall better. I am congested like crazy which is a bit of a problem. My asthma has been especially bad the last few days and I'm finding myself frustrated. Am I really giving it my all during my workouts? Of course not. Breathing well is essential to performance. I'm doing my best in my current condition, but honestly its not up to par with what I am capable of. I need to take a good look at how I can get my breathing back in order. Antihistamines just kill me during the day. I need to use them to combat the reactions happening in my body though. Maybe adding some more Vitamin B will help with the energy crisis I experience? I also need to change the air cleaner filter and use my Breathe Right Strips at night. I've gotten lax at using them, but they are a life saver! I'm only cheating myself by neglecting this critical component of my life! It seems like a no-brainer, but keeping asthma well-controlled versus livable can be a lot more work. More work it is. This is just another step towards progress. Besides, I will feel better overall and no matter how anything else turns out, breathing well is just not optional, it mandatory!

On Thursday I did something major for my life. Some may already know that I have this weird social anxiety thing. I used to work at the YMCA as a personal trainer/fitness coordinator. I loved that job but medical issues ultimately caused me to move on to something different. I used to be totally comfortable in a fitness center. It was my "home". Since I gained all this weight, my levels of anxiety are much higher, especially-so in a gym setting. Its stupid since I know my way around equipment pretty well. I just get this weird freak out thing going on. Its been bad enough that one time I drove to the Rec Center (which is really awesome) and drove home without going in. So I had a guest pass I had been using and it finally expired. I have been fighting this internally for some time and I just finally did it. I joined the Rec Center! *gasp* I am now committed to going and exercising in front of other sweaty people. OMG. :P They can stare at my insanely large booty all they want, cause it will be there more often. Haha. I have to say, as stupid as it sounds, becoming a member already makes a difference in how I feel. I feel like I have a right to be there. I feel like its my place to workout now. It feels less intimidating now that I did the official tour, too. My workouts are better at the center and I can surround myself with more like-minded people. Regardless of individual fitness goals and beliefs, we are all there moving and trying to better ourselves somehow-- which is more than I can say about being at my workplace. I really think this is going to be a critical step in my progress. I will still feel awkward for awhile, but that will change. Funny how this fitness journey is about so much more that physical fitness.... ;)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

And this is why I have a trainer...

Yesterday was an important talk. It was SO good to talk with John and get my head straight. He is so kind and genuine. It means a lot to me that he understands where I am and he has confidence in me when I don't. He knows I am determined to get this fat off, muscle on and be as fit and healthy as I can be. I just get tripped up in the cobwebs of old habits. I find myself fighting not only a mental battle when it comes to stress, but also a very physical battle if I don't eat at the appropriate times. Seriously- if I wait to long, a binge is imminent. Yesterday we put a plan in place if I am at a point where I can't get a normal meal in. In reality, my job does not allow for me to take even a few minutes to heat some chicken up. I have eaten cold chicken and veggies before, but the idea is to not make things miserable. I can only choke down cold meals so many times before I get irritated. Its not the meal plan's fault, but I get to a point where anything else sounds better and my gag reflex gets activated. Having more whole foods is much better than a bunch of protein shakes, but we will utilize shakes as a back up so that my body doesn't think it is starving. That's a HUGE deal for me. I've gone down that starvation diet road before- minimal calories or fasts, etc. My body is a PRO at saving fat. Starve you say? No problem. We'll outlast the famine. No trouble at all. So yeah. I really have to work at getting food in to keep my insulin and blood sugar levels stable and to not go into hoarding mode.
My talk yesterday with John really lifted me up and got me back on the road. I was mostly on plan but missing meals and wanting crappy foods. We talked about the effects of food. I won't be seeing any trigger foods for awhile, so I can get those out of my head. I am just like any other addict. Its beyond mental. My body has a PHYSICAL addiction to sugar. There are foods my body won't deal with for a long time. Will I ever eat bread again? Sure. But not any time soon. I'm almost okay with not ever eating it again. Right now I can feel the euphoria of eating it followed by the crash- and then the cravings for more. So, like the alcoholic or crack addict- a little just won't work.

I told John it helped me to have him guiding me as well as being accountable to him. I told him that his confidence in me will push me past the garbage food when I wouldn't do it myself. I told him if I am at a point where I don't care enough about myself to not eat crap, knowing he is believing in me will ensure I won't eat it. He almost made me cry. He told me I am worth it more than anyone else and I shouldn't ever believe otherwise. *sniff* (that doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone else- just that I shouldn't believe anyone else (and their needs) is more important that me and my needs).

I have tried doing this on my own. It didn't work. This is why I have a trainer- and an awesome one at that!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Funny thing about timing...

So yesterday I mentioned that I didn't think I'd be getting any free meals or cheats. This morning I felt like death. I still do really, but slightly better. The first thing I did was get an attitude about eating turkey first thing in the morning. I was all grumpy and whiny. I just wanted to eat something not on plan- like a bagel or something warm and carby. You know what I mean. Something soothing. Sorry, but turkey just doesn't feel like comfort food. I stayed on plan and went back to bed for 45 minutes. Feeling like death warmed over sometimes wins in the sleep department. After my little nap, I got back up and read THIS. Talk about timing! Pauline is dead on. If you don't read her blog, I HIGHLY recommend it.
"Just one more time" , "I'll start fresh tomorrow", and "I'll do more cardio" aren't going to cut it. Each day an exception is made, is one more day further from the goal. Maybe someone out there has the ability to have just once taste and move on, but not me. Sometimes someone mentioning certain food has the power to get my mind obsessing for hours. There are days when I am all fight and nothing seems to bother me at all. All the tasty goodies can be sitting in front of my face and I could care less. Other days however... well its a battle to not lose my mind. The biggest key for me to make it through all this, is to be prepared for the down days. When my schedule is whacked, my boss is insane, when I just don't feel good... I have to be 100% prepared and 100% committed to following through. What good does it really do me to eat something crappy? Is that moment really that good? Nope. Never is.

I don't want to get to the stage and think- "If only I wouldn't have done/ate X,Y,Z" or "I wish I would have done X,Y,Z better/more/harder/sooner". I don't want regrets when I'm on stage. I only want pride. I want to stand with my friends and be proud of my hard work. While there is always room for improvement, I don't want it to be because I didn't give it my all RIGHT NOW.

So, what are YOU doing right now? I'm off to burn up some shoulders!

Monday, June 1, 2009

166 days...


166 days until The OCB Yorton Cup. Its a big show. Seems like a strange choice for my first show. Its a perfect date to shoot for. If I make changes faster I'd like to do a show before this one. If Marissa and Francina do the Yorton Cup, then I'm in for sure. :D

166 days
23.75 weeks
3984 hours
5 1/2 months

I have enough time to get done what I need to. But I can't waste it either. 5 1/2 months without any cheats? Can I do it? I have to. Roxanna went over 10 months with no cheats or free meals. John says I'm a lot like her in the food department (we share some triggers). So... I don't think John will be giving me any freebies. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I have made up my mind. Game On!

New Blog?

I think I am going to move over to a new blog. I want to keep my other blog for more health related things- natural remedies, basic healthy living, highlight supplements, etc. Just more general healthy things versus being my workout and fitness blog.
I wanted something to be more "firey" and I think this will do. ;) I am ready to make this dream real. Its June 1st and DAY 1- starting all over. I'm ready to get rid of this stupid fat! I'm going to strut my stuff on stage this fall. I want to look hot and be sexy, but its time I got my health and strength back.
So... here is my blog recording my journey to Divahood. :D