Thursday, June 4, 2009

And this is why I have a trainer...

Yesterday was an important talk. It was SO good to talk with John and get my head straight. He is so kind and genuine. It means a lot to me that he understands where I am and he has confidence in me when I don't. He knows I am determined to get this fat off, muscle on and be as fit and healthy as I can be. I just get tripped up in the cobwebs of old habits. I find myself fighting not only a mental battle when it comes to stress, but also a very physical battle if I don't eat at the appropriate times. Seriously- if I wait to long, a binge is imminent. Yesterday we put a plan in place if I am at a point where I can't get a normal meal in. In reality, my job does not allow for me to take even a few minutes to heat some chicken up. I have eaten cold chicken and veggies before, but the idea is to not make things miserable. I can only choke down cold meals so many times before I get irritated. Its not the meal plan's fault, but I get to a point where anything else sounds better and my gag reflex gets activated. Having more whole foods is much better than a bunch of protein shakes, but we will utilize shakes as a back up so that my body doesn't think it is starving. That's a HUGE deal for me. I've gone down that starvation diet road before- minimal calories or fasts, etc. My body is a PRO at saving fat. Starve you say? No problem. We'll outlast the famine. No trouble at all. So yeah. I really have to work at getting food in to keep my insulin and blood sugar levels stable and to not go into hoarding mode.
My talk yesterday with John really lifted me up and got me back on the road. I was mostly on plan but missing meals and wanting crappy foods. We talked about the effects of food. I won't be seeing any trigger foods for awhile, so I can get those out of my head. I am just like any other addict. Its beyond mental. My body has a PHYSICAL addiction to sugar. There are foods my body won't deal with for a long time. Will I ever eat bread again? Sure. But not any time soon. I'm almost okay with not ever eating it again. Right now I can feel the euphoria of eating it followed by the crash- and then the cravings for more. So, like the alcoholic or crack addict- a little just won't work.

I told John it helped me to have him guiding me as well as being accountable to him. I told him that his confidence in me will push me past the garbage food when I wouldn't do it myself. I told him if I am at a point where I don't care enough about myself to not eat crap, knowing he is believing in me will ensure I won't eat it. He almost made me cry. He told me I am worth it more than anyone else and I shouldn't ever believe otherwise. *sniff* (that doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone else- just that I shouldn't believe anyone else (and their needs) is more important that me and my needs).

I have tried doing this on my own. It didn't work. This is why I have a trainer- and an awesome one at that!

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