Sunday, July 12, 2009

The last couple of days I have really lost my focus. Just getting through each work day without failing too bad has been my goal. I'm frustrated that let myself fall from 100%. I just can't seem to get my head fully in the game. With things like unemployment, no money, moving back with parents, relationship turmoil, work stress... with all these things taking up so much mental energy I'm finding it hard to push through. I haven't been thin in SOOO long. I really turned up the intensity this week and I felt some changes, but the scale and measurements don't reflect what I felt. I fell apart Friday and was half-ass on Saturday. By the time I reach my next day off of work I'll have worked 11 days straight. I need a day to regroup but that aint happenin'. My energy to keep doing double workouts every day is waneing. It doesn't seem like they are making that much impact anyway. :( Its my own fault for not getting enough water in. My legs are huge. They are firm, but huge! Actually everything is this way right now. You can push on my arms and legs and back and they feel firm and strong. I just have all this fat and water on top that isn't going away. I swear my stomach is flatter but who knows. :P
At this point I just want to get the fat off and feel energetic and look good for Halloween. I'm starting to feel like there is NO way for me to do a comp this year. I thought I might be able to pull of Bikini rather than figure for the fall, but I don't want to push and fail and push and fail. I'm tired of this stupid mental spin cycle. I guess maybe I don't want it bad enough to overcome? I don't feel equipped to overcome. Lack of energy is a HUGE enemy of mine. For over 3 years I slept if I wasn't working. I was ALWAYS tired. And after 3 years of that, I tend to panic if I feel that exhaustion coming on. I don't want to go through that hell again. I was SO tired no matter how much I slept.

I've been trying to figure out when it was that I lost myself. I lost my drive and energy and spunk. I was feisty and NOTHING was going to stop me from reaching my goals. When did that change? When did I give up on me? When did I become complacent? I went from Type A on the outside to Type B with A raging on the inside. That's why I ended up depressed. Type A girl was in lock down, desperately wanting out. When she was angry about being stuffed down inside, type B had to keep stuffing her down- with food!! That's why I eat when I'm angry!! OMG. I just realized this. Ok. So I am still trying to determine that moment when I gave up, but I want ME back. I need to keep moving forward. I need to find that fire and drive.
I really like this from Tom Venuto- "In the end, the buck stops with you. You must accept personal responsibility for your success. You must develop and use your personal power."
Where did that personal power go to? I gotta get it back.

I enjoy learning. I like reading. I like school. I loved being in college. I want to go back to school to be an x-ray tech. I have to schools near me that I could go to. My current situation makes it nearly impossible. I wonder if getting some of *THAT* mojo back- having that feeling again... I wonder if I can somehow light the fire a different way and let that spread... I used to be full of fun and fire. I used to love life. I was always shy, but I did things and took risks. Not as many as I wanted to, but I was more involved in living life than now.

Excuse the rambling and randomness.

Goals/ Dreams/ Desires

1- Go skydiving
2- Own and ride horses again
3- Lose the fat- FOR GOOD! No more rollercoaster!
4- Resuce animals- have at least one dog (more preferred)
5- Compete in bikini or figure
6- Increase photography gigs
7- Travel to Africa and the Galopagos Isl. for photography (add get published to that too)
8- Do a fitness model shoot (be the model, not the photographer!)
9- Do pin-up style calendar
10- Go back to school
11- Learn to live, love and BE Me!

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