Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I didn't know where else to write this, but I have to get it out. I am anxious as anything right now. I feel sick and vulnerable. I had the most horrible dream this morning. I know it was directly related to my work situation. I just really felt horrible. A man did something horrible and I witnessed someone die. (it turns out it was this man's brother). This crazy SOB kept chasing me around asking me what his brother's death was like- almost like he was accusing me of doing the killing! Police and other people were involved trying to detain this man. It was very chaotic and almost circus-like. Somewhere along the line, I tripped over a pitchfork. I picked it up and turned around. The man ran right into it. I don't think I can even begin to describe the horror I feel. I don't know how the mind works. I have never stabbed someone with a pitchfork, but I tell you I know how it feels after this dream! :( Its just so horrible. I freaked out and ran. The stupid forks went all the way through him. He didn't die! He pulled the thing out and kept coming after me. I was screaming and running and screaming and running. Eventually other people tried to find him and get me away, but the chase was still on. He just kept asking me what it was like to watch his brother die.
My chest hurts. I woke up half screaming, half sobbing. :( I feel so vulnerable and just sad. I feel sick. I layed back down and prayed to have a better dream to replace it. I had more dreams, but they were chaotic and I am sitting here with chest pain from the anxiousness. I tried to play stupid facebook games to divert my mind... it didn't work.
At work, my boss has always been a classic abuser. One minute giving you the verbal thrashing of your life- telling you how insignificant and inept you are. The next minute buying lunch saying he appreciates everyone. The beatings are much longer and occur more often, but he has some redeeming qualities to him. Over time, the memory and freshness of the beatings overpowers the redeeming qualities. One night I ended up staying 3.5 hours over to help because we were so swamped, understaffed and I knew my coworkers couldn't handle his lunacy alone. He was out of control. SO nasty to me, belittling me and and slamming everyone for their incompetentcies. I finally yelled back at him that I was not going to help anymore if he didn't stop. I had mentioned several times that I was not scheduled and I was simply staying to help. He stopped riding me so hard, but continued griping and complaining in the back room. After we left the building he followed me to my car and essentially vommited all his emotions, thoughts and anger on me. He said many terrible things about people. One thing in particular just wouldn't stop eating at me. I told my assistant managers that I didn't know what to do with this info, but maybe they should talk to him. (for the record- it was very inappropriate and related to sexual preferences). As a manager he should know better. I didn't take the issue to HR, someone else did. I don't care that it was outside the building. I didn't ask to be involved in the conversation. He already has a long list of reasons he should be let go. He is beyond angry at me. The no-retaliation-policy is a farce. I'm concerned. I don't know how this ends for him. I don't think anyone does at the moment. I just want out. I think my dream is quite clear. I just wish the imagery didn't have to be so horrific. No one is going to help me in this job until its too late. I simply need to move on. I just wish the moving on was easier. Stupid job market.
I feel paralyzed. Its sucks. I'm trying to get my head together so I don't fall apart. I need to have a strong workout session to feel empowered. I need to get my groove back. I'm no victim, dangit- I'm a survivor!


CathyC said...

I wish for you he gets "fired" or leaves-how horrible to work in that environment-he sounds like a control freak/pyscho....stay away when you can! Keep looking for a transfer or new job.

Tina said...

Well I've been through my 20's and I swear I remember going through the same anxieties and issues at work. It is quite clear this job is not for you ultimately, what I did was everyday what was one thing I could do that would move me closer to where I want to be...and everyday just do one will tread the waters to getting out and you will feel more in control because you are at least doing something. HUGS :)

Liimu said...

I agree with Tina. A couple years ago, I was trapped in a job I hated, and I read, "The Secret" and started to be really careful about how I spent my time and the words I put into the Universe. It may seem like it makes you feel better to vent about it, but honestly, you know from studying the Law of Attraction that it only perpetuates and attracts more of the same.

Figure out what you want to be doing and start waxing poetic about how much you want it. Next, start posting about the things you are doing to attain it, even if it's just doing research online, talking to people about it, dreaming, praying, wishing for it. The next thing you know, you'll be doing it.

It IS that simple. Manifest it, girlfriend.