So I'm pretty frustrated. I hate my job, I have been looking for something new for awhile now. I have my resume out and I have applications in all over. I am the major source of income. I am 95% of the income. I'm trying to change that, but its not like the job market is booming here. TONS of layoffs mean people from all industries are getting basic jobs just to try and support their families. I guess I shouldn't vent so much. Sharing what really is going on in my head gets me reprimanded and talked to with "tough love". I am a fat girl. I have a fat girl thought pattern. I'm insecure and when shit hits the fan it manifests physically for me. I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. I am doing the best I can do. I want to hide away and wait til everything is over. I know that's not the answer. I'm trying to get over this fear that has paralyzed me so many times before. Its not easy and I WILL go through rough patches. I'm just angry that I'm getting the "GET OVER IT" message. I'm frickin' trying!! I am working with the tools I have! I'm working with my issues in all their glory. I'm working with the instability that makes me ill. Sure, I don't have a loved one that has recently passed. That's right around the corner. :( My grandma has Alzheimers's. My mom is overweight and stressed. I can focus on all sorts of things in my life that aren't healthy or stable. My marriage is quite on the rocks. What should I do? Just quit my job and keep looking and meanwhile go broke, lose my apartment and live out of my car? Should I walk away from everything? Do those alternatives bring me any more peace?
I'm fighting my old ways and doing the best I can. I know things have to change. Perhaps I'll just quit and see if I can get donations to live until the job market clears up?
Some days, I'm just not that strong... maybe I am just the fat girl failure that I try to fight off every day.