Tuesday, July 7, 2009


So I'm pretty frustrated. I hate my job, I have been looking for something new for awhile now. I have my resume out and I have applications in all over. I am the major source of income. I am 95% of the income. I'm trying to change that, but its not like the job market is booming here. TONS of layoffs mean people from all industries are getting basic jobs just to try and support their families. I guess I shouldn't vent so much. Sharing what really is going on in my head gets me reprimanded and talked to with "tough love". I am a fat girl. I have a fat girl thought pattern. I'm insecure and when shit hits the fan it manifests physically for me. I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. I am doing the best I can do. I want to hide away and wait til everything is over. I know that's not the answer. I'm trying to get over this fear that has paralyzed me so many times before. Its not easy and I WILL go through rough patches. I'm just angry that I'm getting the "GET OVER IT" message. I'm frickin' trying!! I am working with the tools I have! I'm working with my issues in all their glory. I'm working with the instability that makes me ill. Sure, I don't have a loved one that has recently passed. That's right around the corner. :( My grandma has Alzheimers's. My mom is overweight and stressed. I can focus on all sorts of things in my life that aren't healthy or stable. My marriage is quite on the rocks. What should I do? Just quit my job and keep looking and meanwhile go broke, lose my apartment and live out of my car? Should I walk away from everything? Do those alternatives bring me any more peace?
I'm fighting my old ways and doing the best I can. I know things have to change. Perhaps I'll just quit and see if I can get donations to live until the job market clears up?

Some days, I'm just not that strong... maybe I am just the fat girl failure that I try to fight off every day.


Tina said...

You know why I'm drawn to you....because I was you.I know the anxiety. I think you need to lay out a plan. What are your long range goals, and what are your short range goals. This is a horrible time for a lot of people...but I remember a time in my life when I didn't know where the next diaper was coming from. But I had goals...and I fought for them...I didn't sleep for years. I'm not sure I'm the poster child for making the right decisions....but I do know you are never stuck. I think you should lay out goals and steps to get to those goals...share them and we can go from there. Dig deep, share feelings behind your goals. I'm not a professional...but I can give you my thoughts and hopefully lesson your anxiety :)

Marissa said...

Tina I like your comment.

And Hillary I also know how you feel. But life is about choices. And you need to have faith. I'm going to speak from my faith...God only gives us what we can handle and if we trust in him he WILL provide. I too have been worse off than I am now and things aren't great now. But life isn't about living for a job. Get a part time job at the YMCA ( you mentioned liking working there). Start your photography business. You have a TALENT USE IT! I am also not a professional but I could help you set up your business as I've set up a few. And its not expensive!

:) Hugs Hillary

Healthgirl said...

Thanks friends! You two are the best! These are the messages I needed to hear the most today. Sometimes I'm just so beaten down. I have to fight so hard to not give in and give up. I've always had a crap self-esteem. I don't want that anymore. I want so much more for my life. I will post some goals if you all want to chime in. I am so clueless in setting up a business. Marissa- I'll email you!

Thanks again for the support. You have NO IDEA how much it means to me!

Liimu said...

Hey, there! Maybe it's time to re-read the Secret? You need a healthy dose of positive self-talk, girlfriend! Don't let those negative thoughts in, not even for a moment! You can do this!

Healthgirl said...

Liimu- funny you should mention that. ;) I was thinking about that at work today. I am going to write my resignation letter and have it ready to go. I am also going to write down my goals and the steps (per Tina's suggestion) and start seeing things through clean lenses. I am also replacing the broken record of crap with some new positive affirmations. I need to get back to affirming my "self" every morning.
Thanks for coming by and encouraging me.