Saturday, October 17, 2009

22 Weeks Out & some reflection

This is gonna be a quick one. I am already running late, but the thoughts are here and I need to write them down. My relationship with food has been a deviant one. A perverse one. A dysfunctional one. Just as people often look on drug addicts, alcoholics, battered women or even women who "just won't leave that a-hole", I am sure my relationship with food would be looked at the same way. Food has gently caressed me and told me everything will be okay. Its comforted me, its eased my rage. While it did all its comforting it was wreaking havoc all over my body. Just as any other addict turns to his or her piece of comfort, I chose food. Sure, food hasn't caused me to have black eyes, broken ribs, job loss, family malfunctions, etc. It isn't quite the obvious affliction that many other addictions are, but that makes it more dangerous. Its not as scary or seemingly as harmful as being addicted to heroin. Its just food... Right. I may not be strung out, hooking for my next fix, but I did sell my body. I gave it up when I said yes to sugar, salt, chemical laden crap-out-of-a-box. The years of abuse and addiction I gave myself has long term ramifications. I have to start seeing food as fuel and not as comfort. Its not an easy thing to do. When for so long my best friend has been something that comforted me through so much stress and rage. Its not an easy transition. That's why I fail time and time again. I learn something each time, so its not all lost... but its time wasted mostly.

I am 22 weeks out from the NPC Natural Ohio. For many, that's plenty of time. For me, the clock is ticking. I have a solid game plan. I do have some free meals or morsels allotted. I'm not naive to my prep being around the holidays. No hog-wild feeding frenzies. Just little bites. I love my mom's green bean casserole. So, a little bit isn't going to break the whole thing. I just don't have to have ridiculous portion sizes. Christmas will allow my traditional eggnog, but perhaps a healthier protein version will be concocted. After New Year's is 12 weeks out. I will evaluate what I can do for my birthday at this time. My birthday might just be a glass a wine with chicken and veggies. :P This is a process and I am hopeful this time. More hopeful than I have been. I am not relying on some trainer to just tell me what to do. (not that I am knocking that). I am just finally understanding how the pieces fit together. Things are clicking and I am proud to be doing this myself. I may hire someone a few weeks out to help me tweak if needed, but for now, I know what needs to be done. I WILL be hitting that stage in March!!

DAY ONE of 154 days (22 weeks) has begun!

1 comment:

Miss Rachel said...

Holiday time does not have to be a disaster - you can do it!

(And I like your new profile picture!)