20 Weeks Out

Time is flying! I am not making much progress. :( I've really got to step it up. I'm not getting enough water. Increasing that should help. I need to stop having any carbs aside from veggies after my 3rd meal (lunch). I think those two adjustments will help as well as kicking up the cardio. I am not feeling as confident about doing this on my own. I can't pay anyone for a few months. I can hopefully afford someone guidance in January. The last 12 weeks will be crucial.

I think I am going to bypass the eggnog this year. Even one glass is not okay. I love the stuff. I may attempt a protein shake that mimics it for Christmas morning, but the real deal must be avoided. Don't tell me to do a light version- anything out of a carton makes me crave more. *sigh*

I'm really disappointed in myself. I should have been down at least 4lbs. I'm making mistakes and free meals just aren't going to happen. Tonight is it. My coworkers are having a party for me. I'll be as sensible as I can. Sunday is a new week. I start my 100 push ups challenge. I am going to be free meal-less until Thanksgiving. Even then, it won't be a free for all. Just a few tastes of my mom's dishes.

I need to get my head back in the zone. Too much celebrating the job change. Its time to get driven, determined, focused and vigilant. The goals I am after require more than what I've been giving.

100 push ups and stuff...

I decided that I need to seriously increase my upper body strength. I stink at push ups. I am not a huge fan of them- because they are weakness, so its a never ending cycle. I am doing the 100 push up challenge starting Sunday. I am planning to do this twice. The first 6 week cycle is for the modified version. Yes, I am weak. Its okay though. Everyone starts somewhere. I am starting at the "girl style". I'm excited. I've never been able to do many push ups. Doing 100 girl push ups will give me a huge gain in strength so that I can do the next stage and work my way to 100 full push ups. :)

100 Push Ups!

I am now officially done with the evil job. :D Hooray! I start the new job on Monday. I should be able to stay on a good meal schedule now. :) I won't be in a stressful panic all day long either. I plan to work hard and stay busy, but its not going to be "OMG- the sky is falling" mode. Next week is in the training room. Should be easy going. I am excited because meal timing will be so easy.

This weekend is a tough challenge in the diet department. Its my anniversary and my going away party. *sigh* I will stay on plan as much as possible and there are double cardio sessions in my future. I can't make it equal, but I can try to do some damage control.

Off to accomplish much.... its a GOOD day!

One step closer

So wow... every day that passes is one day closer to competition day. I know that day won't be here for some time, but I get butterflies thinking about it. I've been staring at bikinis all afternoon. I'm going cross-eyed. :P I have time before I need to worry about that, but I'm trying to get my vision together. I really believe "seeing" my goal and dream repeatedly will keep me on course and make it real. I think I am going with a turquoise color. I seem to get the most compliments when I wear turquoise or blue. I think I feel and look ... brighter?
I'm so pumped! I met up with a friend from a comp site and facebook. It was a good chat and I am so ready to get bikini ready. I hate lunges. Really. Hate. But, they are my magic weapon. Those and step ups. I must, must, must do them until I can do them no more. I have a great body underneath the protective layer. I'm working hard on the emotional side of things during this process as well. I don't need the fat layer to protect me any more. That's really why I have so much fat. Food was a refuge and fat is a protector. No more! Hills has got skillz! :D I am a strong and confident woman with a great body. I am so thankful that I have the potential I do. I WILL manifest my HAWT body and get a trophy while I'm at it!!

I WANT THIS BOOTY!! Lunges here I come....

Taking a look at myself

Yesterday was a stressful day. I think I was more worked up than I needed to be. My situation was definitely frustrating, but I think I went over the top. I have some serious anger issues. I'm not sure what to do. Anger is what fuels my eating usually. Sure physical cravings come into play, but really when I am ready to (or actually do) binge, its anger in the driver's seat. I relinquish all control. How do I spin out of control so easily? And how do I stop it?? I need to go back to doing yoga regularly. I am always more at peace when I have that time. Is it really just me lashing out against the world? I know that I have felt SO burdened and tired that last 4 years. I have a lot of resentment. I haven't dealt with some things and they are crammed down deep inside to be ignored as long as possible. To deal with some of these things means I can't continue with my daily life without some major interruption. The emotional impact means my professional life will be wrecked for awhile, while I recover. As a general rule, the 2 companies I've been with during the traumatic times were far from understanding. Neither would have given me any time to heal up and cope. In the end, it falls on me. I was too proud to admit I really and truly needed it. I thought I could mentally work through things instead of going through a complete healing process- which includes the breakdown, tears and emotional repair. I just mentally processed the facts and it was done-- or so I thought. Yeah. Not so much.

So the healing begins... In order to get a true handle on my eating, I need to heal the angry girl inside. She feels something was stolen from her (rightfully so) and she's never had a chance to heal. She moved forward, but always had the sadness, rage, fear and suspicion boiling inside. Each attempt at a dream seemed to end in failure-- only adding to the anger and sadness.

Its time to be fair, honest and gentle with myself. I have a strong will. I can use will power to take me so far, but in the end, if I don't deal with what pushes me past the point of control, I will never make my goals. I'm not a failure for not reaching my goals last year. I've never been a failure.
Little hurting girl inside, its okay. Its not your fault you are hurting. Its time to heal. Its time to let go and be free again. Its time to let your inner sun shine bright again. Its okay. Its safe.

21 Weeks Out

Today marks 21 weeks out. This week was... interesting. It started out rough. I gained an additional 3lbs and ended up the week - 1lb. ??? Maybe my muscles were holding water? It was stressful for my mind to see the increases. I felt fatter and that's why I weighed in so much. Today I feel thinner and less puffy. The water definitely dropped. Maybe it was the magic pumpkin soup I made yesterday? :P I'll post pics and the recipe later. It was tasty and definitely higher in carbs, but tons of healthy fiber. :)

I feel better prepared for this next week. I have a feel for how my body reacted this week. I'm going to do better at the carb ratios and definitely stick with more whole foods when possible. Protein powder has its place for sure, but I need to strive for real foods not from any kind of container. :)

So far so good. Cranking up the intensity this week.

cravings

Dear Body,
Please stop it!!
Thanks.

I'm so done with these cravings. >:(

Rough night. I'll be okay in the morning.

Breakfast Omelet

1 egg
4 egg whites
1/2 handful chopped spinach
2 small mushrooms
3-4 TBSP chopped red peppers
3-4 TBSP chopped yellow peppers

250 Calories (will vary slightly depending on the veggies)
35g Protein
7g Carbohydrate

This was SO filling. I couldn't even eat it all...


veggies!


In process


Finished Product!

Sometimes this makes all the difference for me

I often go back to this video for a number of reasons. First, the song moves me. I often have it in my cardio playlist where I do a lot of vision work. I can close my eyes and really see things happening. Second, the pug skydiving is just too cute. This guy does a lot of stuff including surfing with his pug. The dog is totally acclimated to doing new stuff and enjoys it. I've always wanted to try sky diving and well... this sealed the deal. I WILL go skydiving in 2010. I get all choked up every time I watch this. :P

Here are the lyrics to the Speed of Sound by Coldplay...

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

Change in Plans

So I am now making a serious effort to consume whole foods as much as possible. I really think that will help me drop. I hate eating meat, but I've got to cut back on the protein powder, too. I see lots of eggwhites in my future. I'm sure using the protein powder and eliminating all other dairy will help. Dairy will keep me bloated. Maybe I should look for other protein sources in powder. I love my Beverly International UMP so much. Maybe I'll try Hemp Protein. Anyone try this?

Goal tomorrow is to make all my meals whole foods.

Day 5

So today was Day 5. How have I done so far? Eh... not as good as I hoped. I'm frustrated. I am eating much cleaner than before and the weight is going up, not down. I'm sure the super long days, screwy meal timing and stress are making my hormone levels wacko. I'm retaining water like no other. I am hoping rest and the next few days off of work will help push a drop. I am fighting off another infection. Sinus and chest congestion. I am hoping that I can heal up and stop my hormonal mess.

I redid my blog layout. I'm going to be changing my flower picture soon, but I'm still working on collage. I felt like a new challenge needed a new look. :)

I'll have more later...

22 Weeks Out & some reflection

This is gonna be a quick one. I am already running late, but the thoughts are here and I need to write them down. My relationship with food has been a deviant one. A perverse one. A dysfunctional one. Just as people often look on drug addicts, alcoholics, battered women or even women who "just won't leave that a-hole", I am sure my relationship with food would be looked at the same way. Food has gently caressed me and told me everything will be okay. Its comforted me, its eased my rage. While it did all its comforting it was wreaking havoc all over my body. Just as any other addict turns to his or her piece of comfort, I chose food. Sure, food hasn't caused me to have black eyes, broken ribs, job loss, family malfunctions, etc. It isn't quite the obvious affliction that many other addictions are, but that makes it more dangerous. Its not as scary or seemingly as harmful as being addicted to heroin. Its just food... Right. I may not be strung out, hooking for my next fix, but I did sell my body. I gave it up when I said yes to sugar, salt, chemical laden crap-out-of-a-box. The years of abuse and addiction I gave myself has long term ramifications. I have to start seeing food as fuel and not as comfort. Its not an easy thing to do. When for so long my best friend has been something that comforted me through so much stress and rage. Its not an easy transition. That's why I fail time and time again. I learn something each time, so its not all lost... but its time wasted mostly.

I am 22 weeks out from the NPC Natural Ohio. For many, that's plenty of time. For me, the clock is ticking. I have a solid game plan. I do have some free meals or morsels allotted. I'm not naive to my prep being around the holidays. No hog-wild feeding frenzies. Just little bites. I love my mom's green bean casserole. So, a little bit isn't going to break the whole thing. I just don't have to have ridiculous portion sizes. Christmas will allow my traditional eggnog, but perhaps a healthier protein version will be concocted. After New Year's is 12 weeks out. I will evaluate what I can do for my birthday at this time. My birthday might just be a glass a wine with chicken and veggies. :P This is a process and I am hopeful this time. More hopeful than I have been. I am not relying on some trainer to just tell me what to do. (not that I am knocking that). I am just finally understanding how the pieces fit together. Things are clicking and I am proud to be doing this myself. I may hire someone a few weeks out to help me tweak if needed, but for now, I know what needs to be done. I WILL be hitting that stage in March!!

DAY ONE of 154 days (22 weeks) has begun!

Big Changes in Progress

So...
Job change on the front. Its going to allow me to actually eat on a schedule. I'm stoked about that. Eating on schedule means I won't freak out for carbs so bad.

I am now using a Tracking Program called The Carrot . It lets me track weight, measurements, mood, energy levels, exercise, food intake and more. It will give reports for each as well as put them together. It will be nice to have this program on my phone too. I highly recommend it.

There is a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders with the changes that are happening. Now I just need to push it and get the fat burning off too.