Some relief...

Things are at least a little better in the work arena right now. I had a conference call with the District Manager, the Assistant DM, and our Human Resource manager. They were supportive. I was assured many times today that things would be taken care of. We'll see what happens. For now, I know I have support. The assistant DM came in to coach me and crunch numbers today. He really helped me out and the fact that someone cares about what is happening takes a huge load off. I need to do well tomorrow, but I think I have a shot at making it for the month. Its going to be close, but I think I can do it.

Now for the fitness aspect of this blog... I've been a bum. My workouts have been sporadic. Eating has been decent. Not competition clean, but my overall habits are good. I need to tighten in the reigns and back into a workout schedule. I guess since I no longer have my trainer I am wandering around lost. My workouts are a bit stale. I was thinking of doing something like P90X or something, but I'm not sure if I have enough room... I love circuit training so I may do that and add my yoga and kickboxing back in. I have a little over 3 months to get my butt ready if I want consider bikini at the KY Muscle. I'm going to get back into the groove and focus hard. The KY Muscle is a more realistic show for me at this point. At the worst, I can get myself closer to the right condition for the Spring shows and I'll just take pictures at KY... hmmm.... We'll see what the next few months bring. I'm saving the cash that I can and picking up extra photos gigs for now. :) I'll be taking more photos on Saturday. Its time to get down and dirty! ;)

Thanks for all the support friends. It means a ton!

Paralyzed...

I didn't know where else to write this, but I have to get it out. I am anxious as anything right now. I feel sick and vulnerable. I had the most horrible dream this morning. I know it was directly related to my work situation. I just really felt horrible. A man did something horrible and I witnessed someone die. (it turns out it was this man's brother). This crazy SOB kept chasing me around asking me what his brother's death was like- almost like he was accusing me of doing the killing! Police and other people were involved trying to detain this man. It was very chaotic and almost circus-like. Somewhere along the line, I tripped over a pitchfork. I picked it up and turned around. The man ran right into it. I don't think I can even begin to describe the horror I feel. I don't know how the mind works. I have never stabbed someone with a pitchfork, but I tell you I know how it feels after this dream! :( Its just so horrible. I freaked out and ran. The stupid forks went all the way through him. He didn't die! He pulled the thing out and kept coming after me. I was screaming and running and screaming and running. Eventually other people tried to find him and get me away, but the chase was still on. He just kept asking me what it was like to watch his brother die.
My chest hurts. I woke up half screaming, half sobbing. :( I feel so vulnerable and just sad. I feel sick. I layed back down and prayed to have a better dream to replace it. I had more dreams, but they were chaotic and I am sitting here with chest pain from the anxiousness. I tried to play stupid facebook games to divert my mind... it didn't work.
At work, my boss has always been a classic abuser. One minute giving you the verbal thrashing of your life- telling you how insignificant and inept you are. The next minute buying lunch saying he appreciates everyone. The beatings are much longer and occur more often, but he has some redeeming qualities to him. Over time, the memory and freshness of the beatings overpowers the redeeming qualities. One night I ended up staying 3.5 hours over to help because we were so swamped, understaffed and I knew my coworkers couldn't handle his lunacy alone. He was out of control. SO nasty to me, belittling me and and slamming everyone for their incompetentcies. I finally yelled back at him that I was not going to help anymore if he didn't stop. I had mentioned several times that I was not scheduled and I was simply staying to help. He stopped riding me so hard, but continued griping and complaining in the back room. After we left the building he followed me to my car and essentially vommited all his emotions, thoughts and anger on me. He said many terrible things about people. One thing in particular just wouldn't stop eating at me. I told my assistant managers that I didn't know what to do with this info, but maybe they should talk to him. (for the record- it was very inappropriate and related to sexual preferences). As a manager he should know better. I didn't take the issue to HR, someone else did. I don't care that it was outside the building. I didn't ask to be involved in the conversation. He already has a long list of reasons he should be let go. He is beyond angry at me. The no-retaliation-policy is a farce. I'm concerned. I don't know how this ends for him. I don't think anyone does at the moment. I just want out. I think my dream is quite clear. I just wish the imagery didn't have to be so horrific. No one is going to help me in this job until its too late. I simply need to move on. I just wish the moving on was easier. Stupid job market.
I feel paralyzed. Its sucks. I'm trying to get my head together so I don't fall apart. I need to have a strong workout session to feel empowered. I need to get my groove back. I'm no victim, dangit- I'm a survivor!

Masters National Comp Photos

I already posted a beautiful picture of Tara. I just wanted to post the link to the whole album. You can see some of the A class and the B classes for 35+. I got some bodybuilding women and the teen and collegiate men. I had such a blast taking these pictures. I really do love taking pictures. I think this may be a new direction for me. :) Anway... here is the link. Bella Vita Photography
Enjoy!

I can't stop looking at my photos. :P I'm not sure if its because I am so amazed that I took these pictures or if I am so amazed at Tara and the other totally ROCKIN' bodies. Maybe both! Hee Hee... At any rate... I hope you like them. Next time I'm beating someone up for a better seat. ;)

Fabrics?

Just some fabrics that I thought might be good for a suit...

Shiny Teal




And if I could figure out if I could stone around this... woo... would look sweet, but I bet I'd be over it by the time it was stoned. lol

Metallic Teal Blue Paisley Print on Teal Blue Stretch Velvet

One way to get some fire back...

Go to a Comp!! I went to the Masters Nationals yesterday. WOW! If anyone EVER says they are too old to be in shape, you can kick them in the shins! There were some FABULOUS over 55 women and men.

I saw my friend Tara on stage (and in person of course) WOW!!! Completely gorgeous inside and out. She is SO SUPER SWEET!! I just adore her! She was absolutely stunning on stage. I thought for sure she was 1st in her class. So did her trainer. She placed 2nd which is still great in a class of 16! She gave me a little gift that was SOO sweet. I will live by these words and cherish her card. *sniff* She's wonderful!
Here she is!



I wanna be like her when I grow up! :P

Pearls of Wisdom for the Doormats of the World...

Hmmm... perfect little tidbit for me today. Thank you Chalene Johnson...

"By failing to respect yourself, your own time, your own boundaries and what's important to you, others actually lose respect for you."

In her blog she also mentioned that we teach people how to treat us.

**LIGHTBULB**
Yep. I've taught people that I will bend over backwards and that I should be treated as a doormat. No respect needed. All I ever wanted was to be nice to people and make others happy. In the end, I conveyed to people that I didn't care about myself and neither should they. Unfortunately, people take advantage where they can... even if they really don't mean any ill will. It just happens.

This is going to take some work to get rid of this "I give all of myself" attitude. I can't change overnight, but this is clearly something I need to work on. Thank you Universe for shedding the light on this.

A Little Bit Brighter

Tina- Thank YOU!!! You are the best!! Much love to you! You really have no idea how much you impact me and lift me up. <3

Evelyne- Hang tough girl! We can do this!! (((HUGS)))


I had a looooonnnnngggg day today. I'm glad tomorrow is my last day of work. Its been hell. I'm feeling more... chipper? I feel a little brighter today. I ate clean. I skipped my workout, but there is still some time this evening. I was just SO dead this morning. I would have been going through the motions for sure. I just had nothing to give this morning. I was wiped out. I don't feel bad or guilty. I had to respect my body and mind this morning. I feel good about that choice. I usually just flagelate myself into a miserable state. The words of worthlessness and self-hatred usually wash over me. But not today. I am making it a practice to say nice things to myself. I am working hard on stopping the broken soundtrack of my life. No more name calling- I call myself idiot or stupid a lot. I know I am not and would be offended if anyone else said the things I have said to myself. Isn't that just weird? Why the self abuse? I am going to have some self-love mantras along with some other things in my arsenal.

I am longing for my more vegetarian roots. I miss the legumes and fresh produce. I am hating poultry- a lot. I can do eggs and protein powders. I just don't feel good eating this much meat. It really does interfere with my ability to stay on program. Its not that I'm just tired of chicken. I physically can't override my disgust sometimes. I can do a meal or 2 a day if I have to. I can get past it for that. 4-5 meals a day? I just can't. 3 feels like a stretch sometimes. Veggies I can do. I love beans. I need to find appropriate substitutions. I know that sometimes a boring meal plan or eating things that aren't my favorite is part of the game. I'm not silly enough to think that pizza and chipotle will help me lose weight. However, I have to have foods that I can deal with. I feel very pleased when I have an apple for a snack. Fresh fruits are my favorite. I feel compelled to beat myself up for "not being strong enough", but this is of no use. I am me and specially created. I have certain tastes, compassions, beliefs and feelings. My choosing and desiring fresh plants instead of cooked animals is OK. I have nothing against anyone who chooses and or LIKES meat. I have no issues. I simply have MY own preferences. I don't condemn anyone for their choices or preferences. I just need to honor myself.

I am going to start up Yoga again next month. I just feel at home on the mat. Even though I am not that good or strong yet, I love it. It just feels RIGHT. I want to continue the intense weight and cardio sessions. I just want to add Yoga to my activity list.

I feel so positive when I think about honoring myself. I feel like I am on the right path. Hmmm... amazing. :D

I want to say THANK YOU to all my friends who have been with me and supported me so many times along this journey. You really mean a lot to me!
(((HUGS)))

I feel blessed...