What I am working on...

I'm really a slacker on this blogging! 

I needed a break from a lot of things, so I took it. 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching this year. My heart and soul have been broken and beaten down. I've not known which directions to go, I've been unsure of myself, and the layer of protective fat has come off and been put back on like a fearful child wrapping themselves in a security blanket. This journey is so much more than just "sucking it up" and eating what you should, exercise when you should and not doing or eating the things you shouldn't. I've uncovered a lot about myself. What I've come up with is that I can't beat myself into a different place. I only end up more wounded. I am battered by the world, I don't need to follow the same methods! I need to love myself. I need to accept myself. Sometimes my superiors are shocked when they see how hard I am on myself and until very recently I didn't see why they were surprised. My standards for myself are high- at many times rigid and unattainable. 

When I fail to live up to these standards the internal lashings begin. I was told from an early age that I needed to be better. The messages sent to me either directly or indirectly was:  

1- I was in the way. 

2- My needs were always a burden. Other people were more important.

3- I needed to be the best to have any worth or value. 

4- Creative skills were nice but I wouldn't get anywhere in life with them.  I would never make any money.

5- "You're nothing but a bratty tomboy. You'll never grow up to be anything."   

Yes, number 5 is true. It was spoken to me by my FIRST GRADE teacher. I've run from that statement my whole life. I buried that one deep but its there. It has haunted me. The reason the teacher went psycho on me is really unknown. I was in an advanced reading section with other students and I was reading out loud and stumbled on a word. I don't know why she freaked but apparently that was the trigger. And PS- nothing shows other kids that something is okay like an adult doing that thing. The rest of my elementary school experience was awful. Five more years of torment and lack of friends. 

I guess I shouldn't wonder why I've always been worried about what people think of me and if they are being genuine. Trust issues? Yeah, just a little. I hate always wondering if I'm acceptable. And in the end, I often choose to not accept myself. So even if others do accept me, I still struggle to accept myself. Good and bad... 

I'm coming to terms with the messages I heard when I was young. I unfortunately added them into my internal dialogue and over the years, the variations of hateful messages I have said to myself have compounded. 

I have gifts in the creative arts. I am grateful for them. I am thankful for having the ability to see things in the light that I do. It is hard for me to not rip apart my photographs for what they ARE NOT, but I am slowly coming to love what they ARE. As for making money? Well, If I had tackled some of this long ago, I am sure I would be making money using the creative gifts I was given. One day I will and I will knock that message clear out of my mind. 

I still put everyone before myself. If I do take something for myself- time, an extra cookie at Christmas, whatever... I feel guilty. I feel bad for having something that someone else doesn't. I received a very prestigious award at work last quarter. I was in the TOP 10 of the Region. We have over 500 reps. I was so very proud of this but downplayed it so others wouldn't be upset. Seeing other people happy makes me feel good. Over the years I have learned though, that not everyone puts everyone else first. So if I don't make choices to put my needs first, I may find myself trampled on. And I have been trampled on a lot!!

So I have a ton to work on. But I know that with LOVE I can do this. Really it boils down to loving myself and being okay with that. I need to believe in myself. 

A work in progress I am. 

More fitness related posts later, but this one I needed to write out.