So the move is over. It was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!
I did so much by myself and I didn't get a uhaul until the last day. That was a mistake. Too many little trips. This process has been hard on me mentally and physically. My body is still aching. My joints hurt a lot. I felt like I was PMSing the whole time. I didn't get enough protein in. I didn't eat often and the meals I did eat weren't always the best. I gained 6lbs during the last 2 weeks. It feels more like 16. :(
As I was packing and unpacking I found various meal plans, diet programs, journals, new years resolutions. Every resolution had lose weight, get healthy, exercise more, dance, learn sign language, and pose/ create a pin up calendar for my husband, learn to be more trusting. For the last 8 years... my goals have been the same. Every year is THE YEAR to make the changes happen and yet every year I repeat the same list. :(
Its not like I don't want to reach my goals. I want to live unencumbered by my body. I am afraid before too long it will be too late and I won't ever get to feel free. Being overweight is exhausting on all levels. Physical ramifications are obvious, but the mental battles I have are worse. I beat myself up for failing over and over again. I go through phases of being unstoppable and on fire. Then something happens. My body starts fighting me. I get headaches, I breakout like a teenager, I am exhausted, I get nosebleeds, sometimes I get an ulcer. I don't understand it. Its like my hormones go all of out of control.
I worked SO hard during the move. I lifted heavy boxes, furniture, sweated buckets and my body told me everyday how sore and unhappy it was. I didn't get any workouts in. I don't have a new gym and quite frankly my body just couldn't do anymore than it has been. All the exhaustion and hard work didn't burn enough calories. I still managed to gain back all the fat. :(
I am trying a new doctor this month. I am hoping and praying she can help me get the physical side of things under control. My PCOS is just out of control. The BCP I am on isn't working right and it does NOT control my PCOS and Insulin Resistance. I take a boatload of supplements to try and help and they don't seem to work either. :(
In the meantime, I am shifting my goals a bit. I of course still want and need to lose all this fat. I still ultimately want to compete. I'd love to compete this fall... but for now I am doing a mini goal. I am starting the Couch to 5K program. Its something to be motivated about. Right now I just need to make some progress and feel like I am accomplishing something. I feel like a failure after this last couple of weeks.
I've made huge changes. I've moved, separated from my husband, I've been doing things on my own that I never did before. I guess all the changes and uncertainties are a bit overwhelming. I can only take one day and one step at a time.
I will never give up. I will never stop dreaming. I WILL achieve my goals. I just need to keep taking step after step.