Friday, June 4, 2010

Moving Update and Reflections

So the move is over. It was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G!!! 

I did so much by myself and I didn't get a uhaul until the last day. That was a mistake. Too many little trips. This process has been hard on me mentally and physically. My body is still aching. My joints hurt a lot. I felt like I was PMSing the whole time. I didn't get enough protein in. I didn't eat often and the meals I did eat weren't always the best. I gained 6lbs during the last 2 weeks. It feels more like 16. :(
As I was packing and unpacking I found various meal plans, diet programs, journals, new years resolutions. Every resolution had lose weight, get healthy, exercise more, dance, learn sign language, and pose/ create a pin up calendar for my husband, learn to be more trusting. For the last 8 years... my goals have been the same. Every year is THE YEAR to make the changes happen and yet every year I repeat the same list. :(
Its not like I don't want to reach my goals. I want to live unencumbered by my body. I am afraid before too long it will be too late and I won't ever get to feel free. Being overweight is exhausting on all levels. Physical ramifications are obvious, but the mental battles I have are worse. I beat myself up for failing over and over again. I go through phases of being unstoppable and on fire. Then something happens. My body starts fighting me. I get headaches, I breakout like a teenager, I am exhausted, I get nosebleeds, sometimes I get an ulcer. I don't understand it. Its like my hormones go all of out of control.
I worked SO hard during the move. I lifted heavy boxes, furniture, sweated buckets and my body told me everyday how sore and unhappy it was. I didn't get any workouts in. I don't have a new gym and quite frankly my body just couldn't do anymore than it has been. All the exhaustion and hard work didn't burn enough calories. I still managed to gain back all the fat. :(
I am trying a new doctor this month. I am hoping and praying she can help me get the physical side of things under control. My PCOS is just out of control. The BCP I am on isn't working right and it does NOT control my PCOS and Insulin Resistance. I take a boatload of supplements to try and help and they don't seem to work either. :(
In the meantime,  I am shifting my goals a bit. I of course still want and need to lose all this fat. I still ultimately want to compete. I'd love to compete this fall... but for now I am doing a mini goal. I am starting the Couch to 5K program. Its something to be motivated about. Right now I just need to make some progress and feel like I am accomplishing something. I feel like a failure after this last couple of weeks.
I've made huge changes. I've moved, separated from my husband, I've been doing things on my own that I never did before. I guess all the changes and uncertainties are a bit overwhelming. I can only take one day and one step at a time.
I will never give up. I will never stop dreaming. I WILL achieve my goals. I just need to keep taking step after step.


Stef said...

I have been thinking about you! I know this is all very draining, but you WILL get thru it!

I hope the new doc can help you!


Tina said...

I feel your pain! I'm doing baby steps right now... diet is not absolutely perfect but close... I'm just aiming to get in my workouts everyday and I'll add cardio back in 5 minutes more each week... For me trying to do too much all at once makes me fail and feel like a failure. I'm not setting a goal till I'm ready to follow through with it. You are going through a lot of changes right now like I did last year... its going to be a real soul searching year... don't be afraid to feel all you will be feeling, and don't rush into finding you too fast. Baby steps :)