Health Girl Gets Healthy

I needed this

2011-07-31T21:25:00.002-04:00

From Momma Bombshell:

Thought of the Dey: So you've got some weight to lose. It doesn't mean you aren't pretty, smart, worthy, sexy, loveable, etc, etc, etc. ALL it means is that you've got some weight to lose! Get the emotion OUT of it and ATTACK it with everything you've got! Get excited for change, get strong, get OVER IT and GO!!!

YOU ALONE

2011-05-15T20:37:00.000-04:00

From Erik Ledin of Lean Bodies Consulting:

"You alone can change dieting from being a painful thought, to that of a positive, rewarding one. Just as a sponge absorbs whatever is around it, so does your mind. From a negative attitude to unsuccessful past experiences, each contributes to how you think. And what you think, you become. Create your own mindset. Whether your attitude is positive or negative is up to you; not your friend, family or coach."

Nothing else I can to that!!

Fitness Models for Breast Cancer Awareness

2011-05-09T06:45:00.000-04:00

Saw this pic and thought:
1. Hilarious
2. Hot
3. Glad they chose a good cause.

:)

Love this pic

2011-05-03T01:14:00.000-04:00

Success Anyone?

2011-04-27T12:00:00.000-04:00

I've been on fire this week. Determined and motivated to stop watching my life go by and actually dig down and LIVE it! I've come to terms with how my body currently processes things I put in my mouth. For right now, beans and quinoa are not good protein sources. I hold on to the carbs and store, store, store. I've built some great muscle over the first part of the year but I am not losing the fat. I know I have the ability to build muscle fairly easy so I am turning to more isolated protein and fats to get the fat off me. I am having my scrumptious oatmeal concoctions in the morning and that's working fine. Everything else after is protein, veggies and fat.
Thant being said, a friend posted this video up on facbeook and I thought it was awesome.

Rare Arnold Motivational Speech - Simplyshredded.com from Allen on Vimeo.

Schwarzenegger’s Six Rules for Success:

1. Trust yourself. Who do you want to be? (not what) Eliminate all distractions to listen to your heart and who YOU want to be. That means turn off the TV, the iPhone, the random chatter and sit still long enough for that voice to become loud. Listen to that voice no matter what others say.
2. Break the rules. Not the law, but the “rules”. Those are the made up beliefs about how things are. Break all the limiting ideas about what is possible. Create a system to break the rules, like training every day, taking classes, learning what it would take to break the limits. Turn your perceived “weaknesses” into advantages.
3. Don’t be afraid to fail. You can’t be paralyzed by fear of failure or you will never push yourself. You keep pushing because you believe in yourself and in your vision and you know that it is the right thing to do, and success will come. Some of his movies were “failures” but he kept on making more. In baseball, a 70% failure rate batting means you are worth MILLIONS a year!
4. Don’t listen to the naysayers. How many times have you heard that you can’t do this and you can’t do that and it’s never been done before? His mother in law started Special Olympics 40 years ago. Everyone said they were handicapped, they can’t do anything, no one will watch it. Thank goodness she didn’t listen to them. They are now in 164 countries! Again, listen to your heart not the outside world.
5. Work your butt off. To the question: "How many sit-ups do you do?"Mohammed Ali answered, "I don’t count my sit-ups. I only start counting when it starts hurting. When I feel pain, that’s when I start counting, because that’s when it really counts."
6. It’s about giving back. Whatever path that you take in your lives, you must always find time to give something back, something back to your community, give something back to your state or to your country.

Victory

2011-04-17T11:22:00.000-04:00

So the PMS monster is full swing... well she was anyway. ;)

I woke up feeling cranky for no real reason at all. I just felt grumpy. So I got up drank a bunch of water, all the while wanting some kind of chocolate to soothe my grumpy self. I've been so mindful about my food this week that I immediately recognized something wasn't right. Now it seems obvious that nothing about diving head first into a vat of chocolate-y goodness is healthy or productive in losing weight. Yet, that was my desire. Give me SOMETHING that is chocolate. I drank a bunch of water hoping the craving would subside. Not this time.

Now I am in tune with myself enough to know that if there is something bad to eat in my house it will get eaten. I may resist for awhile, but in a weakened state I will consume. I am not to a place where I don't crave things. I hope that day will come, but I don't expect it for awhile. I had purchased some things to make a "treat" for myself. Thanks to Chocolate-Covered Katie, I found a decently healthy alternative to the evil girl scout cookies Samoas !
I don't call these things cheats. I'm not cheating. Its a planned treat. Something to calm the inner cry baby who has been fed sugar-laden foods for so long. I intend to make healthy alternative meals once a week so that I don't feel deprived. This keeps me on course without feeling deprivation that leads to a binge. Yeah, I said it. BINGE. I can eat healthy all week and blow it all in one night of crap foods- starting with dinner, followed by desert, drinks and after dinner drinks. The way I see it, a healthy flat bread or pita pizza with salad and a little Samoa cup is much better than a delivery pizza, pop or wine and then a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I can try to keep those portion sizes down but usually I feel like a deprived fiend by the time I place that kind of order.

On to my victory.. While in California at Deer Park Monastery, I put Mindful Eating into practice more effectively. I was in a place where there was no hurry to get anywhere and I was surrounded by others who were eating mindfully, too. I also had to let go of any neurosis I had about what to eat. I ate what the nuns prepared. There were choices at each meal, but it was vegan and my fallbacks- protein powder and egg whites weren't on the menu. I enjoyed oatmeal with a variety of "fixins" each morning for breakfast. And it was divine! I let go of my paranoia that I would get huge from carbs and fats. I was thankful for the meal and I enjoyed each and every bite.
Today I called upon those experiences and my commitment to following a healthy eating plan. I made up my oatmeal (without having done a workout prior- *gasp*) and added all sorts of scrumptious ingredients to soothe the PMS Monster. Craisins, shredded coconut, sunflower seeds, slivered almonds, 14 chocolate chips, and one packet of Justin's Almond Butter. Each thing was in a small portion and my calories are still in line. This was the perfect solution to the clamoring within. I ate slowly, enjoyed each bite, and I am satisfied.
They key lesson I learned about eating while I was in California was that slow and mindful eating led to much more satisfaction. I honestly did not feel like I lacked for food or felt any cravings. It was such a beautiful thing to not be so focused on food and my feelings. I was able to be reflective rather than longing for something or battling some craving or planning and stressing over meals and timing. I let go and in that letting go I arrived at a deeper level of acceptance and peace. I feel much more ABLE. I am able to approach my eating in a different way. As I became aware today, the cravings didn't magically disappear (darn!) but I have tools and skills to handle them in a healthier way. I could have had plain oatmeal with egg whites and still had cravings to battle the rest of the day. Or worse, I could have had the brownies my mom made (much to my dismay). Instead, I let go of the rules a bit to find an alternative that was healthier mentally and physically.
I am victorious! And I am at peace. I have no guilt eating carbs without working out first. It would have been wiser perhaps from a micro point of view, but in the overall picture- I did the right thing and I feel so good about that.
For anyone that struggles with eating issues, it is a hard thing to get handle on. Mindful eating in a fast paced, rat race world is hard! But I promise that with some attention and dedication to trying it, the results will come. I'm not saying anyone will lose x amount of weight, but I can say that the satisfaction that is felt and the reduced stress over food will make a HUGE difference in the long term. I have struggled with meal compliance for .... ever? This week was so much easier than it has EVER been. Really and truly.

Until next time....

Peace and Balance My Friends!

Fitness Model??

2011-03-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

So I had the pleasure of cheering Stef on at her first Figure Competition and taking some photos for her transformation challenge and some fun fitness stuff. I think she's a fitness model in the making. ;) Gorgeous smile!

Congrats on a job well done Stef! Your hard work and determination paid off!

The Gap

2011-03-28T12:10:00.001-04:00

Love this! Definitely working on The Gap for fitness AND my photography gig

http://alwyncosgrove.com/2011/03/the-gap/

2011-03-23T21:07:00.000-04:00

This has made me feel better about myself lately... I wonder why I struggle so much with that...

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Back from the Arnold

2011-03-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

I'm back from the Arnold and I've done all the picture editing I'm going to do for now. I took about 1,000 pictures!

I had a wonderful time meeting up with the Divas. I wish we had more hangout time. I was busy being photographer and didn't get as much quality time. Boo. It was still great to meet everyone new and see some familiar faces too. :)

I realized a few things. First- I MUST get the fat girl mentality out of my head. If I see myself as the fact chic then fat chic I will stay. No more of that. Second- my passion really is photography. I'm scared of failing. People say I have talent. I might agree I have talent, but my skill set is lacking. I figure things out on the fly. I have adjusted and learned some things, but major understanding of the craft? Not where I'd like it to be and definitely not a Pro level.
I need to readjust my mindset on things. I am going to be working hard on developing my skills and techniques for my photography. I am also going to push myself nutritionally. Close isn't going to cut it. I need to really stay focused and nourish my body.

For anyone who doesn't have me friended on Facebook and wants to see pictures from the Arnold, you can go to BellaVitaPhotography and see them. I still have more to add but for now I have 58 pictures up.

For now here are a few:

Ava Cowan ( placed 3rd in Figure)

Erin Stern (2nd place Figure)

Nicole Wilkins - Ms. International Figure

Iris Kyle- Ms International Bodybuilding

Adela Garcia - Fitness International Winner

I have photos of every pro competitor. Not all are edited yet, but I think I have almost every fitness athlete done, a good portion of figure and then I am on to bodybuilding.

Have someone you want me to post? Let me know!

Oh, and I have to post 2 of my favorite people on here...

The Stunning Tara Green (Figure B)

and

The Amazing Lori Raper (check out that booty definition!)

This is a journey

2011-02-21T00:26:00.000-05:00

So this time around on my quest for health and weight loss (fat loss), I am finally realizing that this is a journey, a process. I am not going to accomplish my goals in a few months-- and that is not only okay, but it is great! I am where I am for reasons. I am slowly uncovering the the path that lead me to this point while I make a new path. This journey is about me rising from the ashes like a Phoenix. Every 1000 years, the Phoenix willing burns itself to ash so that it can rise again- new, refreshed and untainted.
From Jill Brown of Singlemindedwomen.com:

The Phoenix is a Chinese mythological bird that lives for 1,000 years. It is a symbol of opportunity, opulence, and immortality. It is also a symbol of resurrection. For at the end of its 1,000 year life cycle – it builds its own burning funeral pyre and sacrifices itself. The Phoenix is burned to ashes in the fiery flames. But out of ashes arises a new, brilliant incarnation. The newly resurrected bird is then free to fly away for a fresh 1,000 year life cycle.
There are several things I like about this legend that I think we can all learn from:
1)      The Phoenix recognizes when its current incarnation is up. It doesn’t fight to remain the bird it is, resisting the change ahead. No. It openly, happily and in full willingness builds its own pyre to start the transformation process
2)      The Phoenix commits itself fully to the fire. It doesn’t hop in, say “Damn it’s hot!” and then fly back out deformed and on fire. It gives itself fully to the process, trusting that its current incarnation is complete. It trusts itself to the process of being reduced to ashes in order to start fresh
3)      From the ashes, from the most basic state of itself, but still from the core parts of itself – it rises again as a new and beautiful bird

I love our team name from Lean Eating- Iron Phoenix .

I am done jumping out of the fire when it gets to hot. I've had to weather some tough heat and pressure so far during this journey. Eating S-L-O-W-L-Y is hard when you are used to inhaling your food. Not making lots of physical progress is hard when you do your best to be compliant on your program. Really, I am just building on a foundation. Layer after layer, strong and positive habits are being built while the old, useless ones crumble away.

I am so very happy that I have chosen to take this journey and trust my guide. Precision Nutrition and my coach Krista are amazing. They really DO know what they are doing. My lack of trust doesn't mean someone or something isn't right. It just means I am afraid to trust. I am getting better and I haven't taken the wheel back. I have placed my faith in their knowledge and even though I am scared at times, I know I am on the right path.

The Drive for Perfection?

2011-02-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

I posted this over on the Lean Eating board on Precision Nutrition. I think it has a lot of good thoughts for me to reflect on and I thought it would be good to share on here too...

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking since starting this program. *whew* I have smoke coming out of my ears the wheels are turning so fast in my mind.

I have really been thinking about the "All or Nothing" mindset that I have had in the past. I am working hard to shatter those thought patterns. Not just in Lean Eating, but in all areas in my life. All or nothing thinking is a symptom of Perfectionism. Perfectionism is definitely something I suffer from. All or nothing, do more, be better, HAVE TO, SHOULD... These are the thoughts and words that drive me. I should do X, Y, Z. I have to do A,B,C. I should be better, I need to do more ____. I feel all this external pressure... yet really I think that pressure comes from within! Sure there are definitely outside pressures, but ultimately the driving force is internal. The FEAR of rejection, of being judged as unworthy, of being found unacceptable is what keeps me in the cycle. WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH??? I MUST BE PERFECT. If I am not perfect, then I am a failure. No one will accept me.

These thoughts are something we'd hate to hear from a child or even a dear friend, yet we say them to ourselves in some form. Trying to be perfect and failing at that task is stressful. We can become anxious or depressed. I know I personally have experienced this.
Until these lessons came about I don't think I realized how deep I've been in the cycle. My standards for myself are unrealistic. The first time I had to say "No" I didn't properly do my habit, I almost freaked out. I thought about lying and saying I did. I didn't want to admit I "failed". But checking no and acknowledging that I was still "pretty good" was actually a relief. I knew I could try again the next day and Krista wasn't going to send me an email that said "YOU SUCK. YOU FAIL!" I think somewhere I was judged unfairly and maybe some unfair expectations were set. (Actually I know this to be true). So now, part of my journey is to work on ACCEPTING MYSELF. I am pretty good- and that is just fine! I will always try to be the best I can be, but I can't be perfect. No such thing exists! I can only be me- and I can only do my best. I also accept that not being perfect doesn't mean go to the other end of the line and be lazy.

I also put together a list of quotes to help keep me focused on my new belief system- the one that eliminates the word perfect from my vocabulary.

“Perfectionism may be the ultimate self-defeating behavior. It turns people into slaves of success—but keeps them focused on failure.” --Hara Estroff Marano

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.” – Harriet Braiker

“The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement.”—George F. Will

“Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.” –Pat Riley

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.” –Michael J. Fox

“Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.” –Ralph Marston

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” --Aristotle

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.” –Dr. David M. Burns

“One of the most essential things you need to do for yourself is to choose a goal that is important to you. Perfection does not exist; you can always do better and you can always grow.” –Les Brown

So from here forward I am doing my best to strive for excellence, not perfection. I am also on the lookout for "All or Nothing" thought patterns that permeate my day.

And what did I just do??

2011-01-31T00:18:00.001-05:00

I signed up for the Warrior Dash!!

The Warrior Dash is 3 mile run filled with 14 obstacles!

Wind tunnels, planks, walls, junkyards, mud, fire.... and crazy costumes, fun people, oh.. and beer. LOL

I have 125 days until the race. I can't wait! I'm on Week 5 of my C25K program. After I complete round one I will look at bridging to a 10K. That and all the strength training I am doing should get me decently prepared. I hope. :)

Here's what to look forward to...

Yeah.... I can't wait!

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

2011-01-29T00:20:00.000-05:00

Amazing... if you need a little help... if you are wondering about your feelings or how to change or why you haven't changed.. 20 minutes for a little eye opening ;)

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

Precision Nutrition, Fish Oils and What's Next?

2011-01-16T10:54:00.000-05:00

So I haven't done so well at the Blog once a week thing.... oops. Well I am aiming to correct that. We added a new puppy into our lives so the little cutie has been taking A LOT of extra time. That's the only real reason I have for being a bad blogger.

So if you've been a longer follower of my blog, you've read about my struggle with hormones. Krista Scott-Dixon from Precision Nutrition responded to a member's question about weight gain and HBC this way-

Estradiol alone will have different effects than estrogen-progesterone formulations, and synthetic hormone analogues will have different effects than formulations that are more like your own natural hormones.

I've been on and off various hormone formulations and even as an LE coach I'll tell you -- it DOES affect both weight gain (primarily where your body seems to store any excess) and your appetite... but in different ways.

For instance, estradiol alone actually often suppresses appetite. Progestins, on the other hand, stimulate it. (And how.) Going OFF natural estradiol always makes me retain about 5 lb water... but going ON synthetic progestins did the same.

Your underlying hormonal makeup will also affect what you experience. If you are on hormones because your own hormones are low, that will be a different experience than being on hormones with already-normal (or even high) hormone levels.

Bottom line is that you must stay aware of what you are experiencing, take responsibility for what you can control, and tailor your behaviour accordingly to the best of your ability.

You may have to swim upstream a little harder; you may have to fight some stronger impulses; you may find that at times it seems like your body is possessed... but nobody's body defies the laws of thermodynamics (aka energy in vs energy out) forever.

So it certainly helps me feel like someone really knows at least part of what is happening. The people at Precision Nutrition (PN) are amazing. The amount of knowledge and experience they have collectively is amazing. There is no doubt I am in good hands there. I love that she acknowledged that sometimes it feels like you are possessed. There are times where I have felt like I was having an out of body experience. LOL The cravings were insane and I felt powerless to stop them. I also like the point she makes about swimming upstream a little harder. It may not seem fair -when is life really fair?- but I can make this work. I just have to work harder. Someone else might be able to do things easier but for me and my situation it requires whatever it requires. I am following my program and coaches exactly as they say. I've tried so many other people's way, my way, a combination of about 10 different ways at once. I love that PN is recognized for the research, the stability, the success rate and the sane approach to lasting health. I know that if I give it up- trust them- that they will get me to where I want to be. It won't happen in 3 months, but in a year's time I will have finally developed the proper habits and coping skills to see success. For the first time I am embarking a weight loss journey and haven't felt anxious. I feel hopeful and ready to make the lasting changes.

Another thing I wanted to blog about was Fish Oil. I'll preface it by saying I am still working on the liquid- going down the hatch. Capsules I do better with for sure. But really I wasn't aware at just how important fish oil was- what the real benefits were. I just thought that flax and other oils were good enough. Not as much! (Algae oil can be used. The fish process the algae and ultimately that's where you get the benefits from). Check this out!

Top 10 Reasons EFA's are Essential

by Charles Poliquin

Fish oils, rich in the Omega-3 fatty acids may help prevent depression, stabilize the moods of maniac-depressives, and alleviate symptoms of schizophrenia.?
University of California's Johnsson Cancer Center, Los Angeles, CA health.com
Fish oil is one of the few substances known to lower concentrations of triglycerides (fatty substances) that pose a cardiovascular risk, in the blood.?
J Raloff Science News
Increasing the amount of Omega-3 fatty acids has direct effects on serotonin levels.
Andrew Stoll M.D.1999 Archives of General Psychiatry
Fish oils, eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) help prevent heart disease, depression, and cancer.?
Hans R. Larsen, Msc chE "Fish Oils: The Essential Nutrients" International Health News
Research has shown that supplementation with fish oils can markedly reduce interlukin-1beta production and results in a significant reduction in morning stiffness and the number of painful joints in rheumatoid arthritis patients.?
Darlington, L Gail and Stone, Trevor W. Antioxidants and fatty acids in the amelioration of rheumatoid arthritis and related disorders. British Journal of Nutrition, Vol. 85, March 2001, pp.251-69. Oilofpisces.com
Several clinical trials have concluded that eating fish regularly or supplementing with fish oils can reduce the risk of sudden cardiac death by as much as 50%.
Bigger,J. Thomas and El-Sherif, Tarek. Polyunsaturated fatty acids and cardiovascular events: a fish tale. Circulation, Vol.103, February 6, 2001, pp623-25 (editorial). Oilofpisces.com
Researchers at Mayo Clinic report that supplementation with fish oils, EPA and DHA is highly effective in slowing down the progression of IgA nephropathy, a common kidney disease.
Donadio, James V.,et al. A controlled trial of fish oil in IgA nephropathy. New England Journal of Medicine, Vol 331 November 3, 1994, pp1194-99?Van Ypersele de Strihou, Charles. Fish oil for IgA nephropathy? New England Journal of Medicine, Vol 331, November 3, 1994, pp 1227-29 (editorial). Oilofpisces.com
Epidemiological studies have shown that populations with a high intake of fish oils have a lower incidence of inflammatory diseases such as asthma.
Dry J. and Vincent D. Effect of a Fish oil diet on asthma: results of a 1-year double bind study. Int Arch Allerguy Appl Immurol, Vol.95, 1991,pp.156-57. Oilofpisces.com
Researchers at The University of Tromso now report that fish oil supplementation lowers blood pressure significantly in people with hypertension and has no effect on glucose control even in people with mid diabetes.
Toft, Ingrid, et al. Effects of n-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids on glucose homeostasis and blood pressure in essential hypertension. Annals of Internal Medicine, Vol 123, No 12, December 15, 1995, pp 911-18. Connor, William E. Diabetes, fish oil, and vascular disease. Annals of Internal Medicine, Vol 123, No 12, December 15, 1995, pp950-52. Oilofpisces.com.
Medical researchers in New Zealand provide convincing evidence that an increased consumption of fish oils helps reduce the risk of developing prostate cancer.?
Norrish, A,E, et al. Prostate cancer risk and consumption of fish oils: A dietary biomaker-based case-control study. British Journal of Cancer, Vol. 81, No.7, December 1999, pp.1238-42"

Now those are just the top ten reasons in general health. What about for fat loss?

They turn OFF fat storing mechanisms in the body
They turn ON fat burning mechanisms in the body They surround every cell of the body with the best fat possible and thus helps you burn fat
With lots of omega-3s, muscle cells become more sensitive to insulin, while fat cells decrease. This may mean that the body can divert more nutrients to muscle tissue.
Finally, DHA and EPA can increase metabolism by increasing levels of enzymes that boost calorie-burning ability.

I'm learning so much lately and will continue to share.

My next blog entry will talk about Vitamin D. I have first hand experience in the deficiency department and I am looking forward to test results after being on therapeutic doses.

Great Day! Did someone say Mac & Cheese?

2011-01-02T23:17:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. Make that a GREAT day.

I got up and did my C25K program, had a green monster shake and then went off on my first ever trip to Whole Foods. OMG! I'm in love! I wish it was closer. Its about an hour away, but I think I may make it a once a month destination. Great atmosphere, it appears to be decent pricing, lots of organics, and everything a healthy girl could want! :D

I was so excited to make a couple of new recipes that I got from Oh She Glows. If you haven't been to her site, click the link ASAP! First I got distracted by making my own almond butter. I was able to grind my own at Whole Foods, so then I decided to come home and make more. After making some cocao almond butter I set off to make Vegan Mac & Cheese . I modified the recipe based on what I had on hand. First, it calls for cashews and I only had almonds. I forgot to pick them up at Whole Foods. *doh* They worked great but I highly recommend having a full size food processor. My tiny one made for a lot of extra work and I don't think the almonds were as smooth as they could have been. I used Turtle Mountain SoDelicious UNsweetened coconut milk instead of almond milk and I believe that worked just perfectly. Thick and creamy yet not sweet or coconut-y. I also used 1/2 cup of Nutritional Yeast because I really wanted a "cheesier" flavor and bright color. I'd maybe back down to 1/3 cup but overall I am SOO very pleased with how it turned out. I can't wait to try it again with the original ingredients.

Angela's Picture:

My less professional looking one:

This was my first attempt at baking anything specifically Vegan. I'm SO happy with how it turned out. I am looking forward to trying more recipes soon. Next up is Protein Power Goddess Bowl. Looks YUMMO!

Can't wait to get my workout on tomorrow and then make a Power Smoothie with another new discovery.... Chia Seeds!

Attitude of Gratitude

2011-01-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

One of the things I put on my list for 2011 was to cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude. Each day I want to be aware of at least one thing to be grateful for. You can't be unhappy and grateful at the same time. ;) I don't think it is just me, but I know I tend to get sucked into the negative downward spiral sometimes. So I intend to create a habit that will help ward that cycle off. It will be so good to focus on my blessing and the positive things in my life. Things won't go perfectly this year- or at least not how I always plan them to go. But life will move forward and 2011 will turn into 2012. Instead of wasting energy focusing on what isn't right, perfect or all the pain and suffering, I will shift my focus to the positive so that I may be lifted up, reminded of how good I do have it, and that I might be truly thankful for my life.

Today, January 1st, 2011, I am thankful for all the positive energy a new year brings. For all the hopes, dreams, wishes and intentions for a great new year all coming together. I am thankful for the feeling of a fresh start- though each day gives us that chance, the energy of a new year is just bigger.

I recently got a book called Attitudes of Gratitude by M.J. Ryan. I'll be reading this and hoping to use it in developing a strong practice. :)

And here is My Official 2011 List

2010-12-31T12:11:00.000-05:00

So the Bucket List remains the same.

The 2011 Goal List is here.

Over the course of the year donate 65-70lbs of fat energy and maintain that.
Get my own dog!
Take pictures for and make a 2012 Calendar
Enter at least 4 photos in the Medina County Fair
Build my ViSalus business to the point that I am self-sustaining! National Director
Develop photography skills - do more photo shoots and group explorations! At least 6 photo shoots with models/friends and 6 explorations.
Develop business plan for photography business
Go hiking at least 4x
Go camping at least 2x
Become a Tea Connoisseur- learn the art, methodologies, history, etc
Run a 5K
Run a 10K
Raise money for Alzheimer's Research- participate in a Memory Walk
Cleanse, De-clutter & Purge un-needed items- SIMPLIFY my life
Do PIN UP calendar- as the model!
Transition to a more whole foods and vegan diet
Watch at least 1 Cary Grant film a month
Improve my Photoshop Skills
Go on 2 Wine Tours
Blog at least 1x a week
Go to the Arnold and take lots of pictures!
Vacation out of state- NYC, FLA, Portland, or OBX?
Do 100 Push Ups
Spend more time with family
Everyday find at least one thing to be Grateful for. Attitude of Gratitude
NO ice cream in 2011
Sugar Detox- this will go in line with other parts of the diet shift- but won't coincide with the wine tours!
Shop at more Farmer's Markets
Grow some herbs and veggies
Develop Yoga Practice

Its a big list I guess! Many things will overlap and many are processes that I hope to say I developed and/or completed by this time next year. Somethings are just plain accomplishments with deadlines. I know it seems like a lot but I should be able to accomplish this list. :)

BRING IT 2011!

Reflections on 2010

2010-12-28T10:19:00.001-05:00

I am going through my lists of last year. I went through my blog posts. A couple of things stood out to me.

First, I need to blog more! LOL When I blog I tend to stay on fire. I guess I felt like no one was really reading it anyway so I stopped, but I need to keep at it! I was amazed at the things I wrote. As I re-read the posts, I was like - Wow, I wrote that? LOL

Second piece edited out for personal reasons.

Third- Here is my blog post from last year

Bucket List & 2010

So the holiday season has kept me abundantly busy at work. I have been super busy and sick on top of it. Great combination to wipe someone out. During my brief downtimes I came up with a bucket list. I won't accomplish all this in 2010. Its meant to be more of a long term list. I would love to accomplish some select things. I will highlight those...
BUCKET LIST

Go Skydiving
Ride horses again
Photograph in Africa
Photograph in Galapagos
Compete in Figure/Bikini Contest
Learn to fire a gun
Take martial arts class (tbd)
Learn to ballroom & Latin dance
Run a 5k
Play the guitar
Run my own photography business
Do 100 push ups
Go to England
Go to Italy
Make my own pasta from scratch
Do pin up calendar
Go downhill skiing
Accomplish the these yoga poses: Scorpion, Crane, Headstand, Wheel- variations too
Own and train dogs
Go ice skating in Central Park
Visit NYC
See the Redwoods in California
Visit Portland, OR
Hike the Appalachian Trail
Do a fitness photoshoot- as the model not photographer!

2010 Goals-

1. Hit goal weight
2. MAINTAIN healthy goal weight. (may fluctuate from comp weight)
3. Compete with my Diva friends in at least one show.
4. Do fitness photoshoot as model
5. Do pin up calendar
6. Do photoshoots for friends and new clients
7. Go skydiving
8. Increase Photoshop skills
9. Get more photography equipment
10. Go hiking and camping at least 3x !
11. Enter photos in contests
12. Go on at least 1 wine tour
13. Do 2010 Calendar
14. Run a 5k
15. Learn one ballroom dance
16. Go ice skating in central park (this may have to wait til Jan 2011 depending on my job situation)
17. Consume more organic foods
18. Be more environmentally friendly
19. Learn more about Alzheimer's
20. Put scrapbook together for my grandma (to help her with her struggle with Alzheimer's)

I'll say that I didn't accomplish all that much on my list. :( I did accomplish a lot not on the list though. I have 2011 already ramped up to achieve quite a bit off the Bucket List and Goal List. New Goal List coming soon. I just thought it was good to reflect on 2010 first.

I really did learn a lot this year. Even though I didn't make all my goals it sure wasn't a wasted year.

Motivational Quotes...

2010-12-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

"We are repeatedly what we do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."— Aristotle

"Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night." ~ Glade Byron Addams

I'm feeling great. More energy and really excited about the direction my life is headed.

Life is GOOD. :)

Day TWO of my ViSalus 90 Day Challenge

2010-11-10T08:21:00.000-05:00

Day Two is here!! :)

Day One was a success!
I ate healthy and I wasn't starving all day. These shakes taste wonderful and they are filling. The nutrition packed into them is amazing and it makes me feel good to know I am getting quality nutrients.
I discovered Coconut Milk last night!!! OH MY! It was like heaven! I used frozen peaches, coconut milk and blended it up in my magic bullet. SUPER YUMMO!!! It was like ice cream! This morning I used bananas and ice and it was much more drinkable instead of eatable. :P Frozen bananas would have made it like ice cream again.

I have more energy today. Not sure what its from, but I'm rolling with it! It feels awesome to feel good!

Day ONE of my ViSalus 90 Day Challenge

2010-11-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

DAY ONE!

Day One is always a good day. Fresh start, new program. It always feels good to me. It feels like I get a new chance to make my dreams and goals happen. On the down side, it means pictures. I hate taking pictures and measurements. I know I will be proud of the changes I make but UGH!
It hurts to look at where I am. I have to accept that I let myself go, that I was hurting and the only way I made myself feel better was with food. I have to accept that I hid away, slept a lot and that meant not exercising much at all. It hurts to face the pains that brought me to this place, but its okay. I'm safe and and filled with hope. My current state of being is only temporary. I will change my body with proper nutrition and exercise. I will also love it for keeping me safe, being strong enough to carry the extra baggage when my mind and heart couldn't.
Today is DAY ONE of an awesome opportunity. I GET TO make healthy choices. I GET TO be positive. I GET TO track my progress from this point forward. And one day I will GET TO be an inspiration hopefully to someone else. I GET TO use my weight loss and health building to encourage others and earn income while doing it. Today, I start a new chapter that will lead to many more positive chapters in my life!

My SUPER YUMMY ViSalus shake this morning was an Eggnog Shake. I used a raw egg in it (I guess I've never been afraid of that....) pumpkin pie spice, almond milk, ice cubes and 2 scoops of Vi-Shape powder. It was SOOO fantastic and filling!

Starting Measurements:
Weight- 206
Chest- 41" / 38" (across breasts / above)
Waist- 31" ( this one is particularly painful!)
Hips/Butt- 46" / 48"
Thighs- widest and above knee - 30" / 21"
Arms-13.25"
Calves-15"

I am resisting the urge to bawl my eyes out and begin a tirade of hateful self flagellation. Instead I am saying thanks to my body for the good blood work I had, for not failing me despite my failing to care for it properly and for protecting me the best way it knew how. The transformation and healing have begun. I can't wait to post the end results on Day 91. You won't see pics until then!

If anyone wants to join in, check it out:

Love Your Body

2010-10-21T15:42:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was Love Your Body Day. NOW (National Organization for Women) declares a day in October as Love Your Body Day. Check out this quiz and see how you do...

I'm always so hard on myself and my sense of worth is directly related to how I feel about my body. So I decided that I would list some reasons to LOVE my body instead of endlessly focusing on it's flaws.

Reasons to LOVE my body-

It is still working after all the abuse I dish out!
I have all limbs and faculties in place!
I have a nice smile
I have a great and inviting laugh (I am told you can't help laughing when I laugh)
My muscles gain strength easily
At peak, I have a great hourglass shape. Even under the fluff its there though, so I'm including it!
I have a keen and discerning sense of smell.
I have nice hair.
I have attractive hands.
My body constantly regenerates- out with the old dying cells and in with the new! Its amazing what our bodies do!

This was harder than I initially thought it would be. My mind threw out a bunch of negatives immediately because those things are practiced and said over and over. I am committing to saying 3 positive things about my body each day. I certainly have less desirable things happening with my body right now, but I will make it a practice each day to focus on the good things and be thankful!

Eat Clean Diet Makeover Challenge!

2010-10-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I must walk before I run. I can't sprint my way through a marathon.
If I am totally honest with myself. this weight is more about emotional hang ups and poor coping strategies more than it is about loving food. I do love food. Don't get me wrong! LOL

Lately I have been depressed from moving and being in an environment that I am not happy in. I sleep a lot- I feel so tired! I have also been eating more. More junk! My "cheats" have a high caloric impact. I've really tripped myself up and now I'm just feeling sad. I'm sad I have to work so hard to like myself. I'm sad I've let myself get this way again. I'm sad I never reached my goals.

In an effort to stop trying to sprint through a marathon- where I always end up falling apart, I am signing up for a challenge that has a great time frame to work with. I am entering the 3rd Annual Eat Clean Diet Makeover Challenge! Aside from reaching my physique and eating habits goals, I will also win a trip to Toronto for a photo shoot! A one hour consult with Tosca Reno! AND $3000! I am going to win. And I am going to win by changing my mindset. My relationship with food will change and so will my relationship with myself.

I'm very excited about this. I have to do pictures and measurements. So officially I won't start until Thursday. Unless I can figure out how to get pictures done sooner. It also gives me some time to get some more groceries in the house and meals prepared.

I am a winner! And I want to make this transformation! I WILL SUCCEED!

What I am working on...

2010-10-13T11:02:00.000-04:00

I'm really a slacker on this blogging!

I needed a break from a lot of things, so I took it.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching this year. My heart and soul have been broken and beaten down. I've not known which directions to go, I've been unsure of myself, and the layer of protective fat has come off and been put back on like a fearful child wrapping themselves in a security blanket. This journey is so much more than just "sucking it up" and eating what you should, exercise when you should and not doing or eating the things you shouldn't. I've uncovered a lot about myself. What I've come up with is that I can't beat myself into a different place. I only end up more wounded. I am battered by the world, I don't need to follow the same methods! I need to love myself. I need to accept myself. Sometimes my superiors are shocked when they see how hard I am on myself and until very recently I didn't see why they were surprised. My standards for myself are high- at many times rigid and unattainable.

When I fail to live up to these standards the internal lashings begin. I was told from an early age that I needed to be better. The messages sent to me either directly or indirectly was:

1- I was in the way.

2- My needs were always a burden. Other people were more important.

3- I needed to be the best to have any worth or value.

4- Creative skills were nice but I wouldn't get anywhere in life with them. I would never make any money.

5- "You're nothing but a bratty tomboy. You'll never grow up to be anything."

Yes, number 5 is true. It was spoken to me by my FIRST GRADE teacher. I've run from that statement my whole life. I buried that one deep but its there. It has haunted me. The reason the teacher went psycho on me is really unknown. I was in an advanced reading section with other students and I was reading out loud and stumbled on a word. I don't know why she freaked but apparently that was the trigger. And PS- nothing shows other kids that something is okay like an adult doing that thing. The rest of my elementary school experience was awful. Five more years of torment and lack of friends.

I guess I shouldn't wonder why I've always been worried about what people think of me and if they are being genuine. Trust issues? Yeah, just a little. I hate always wondering if I'm acceptable. And in the end, I often choose to not accept myself. So even if others do accept me, I still struggle to accept myself. Good and bad...

I'm coming to terms with the messages I heard when I was young. I unfortunately added them into my internal dialogue and over the years, the variations of hateful messages I have said to myself have compounded.

I have gifts in the creative arts. I am grateful for them. I am thankful for having the ability to see things in the light that I do. It is hard for me to not rip apart my photographs for what they ARE NOT, but I am slowly coming to love what they ARE. As for making money? Well, If I had tackled some of this long ago, I am sure I would be making money using the creative gifts I was given. One day I will and I will knock that message clear out of my mind.

I still put everyone before myself. If I do take something for myself- time, an extra cookie at Christmas, whatever... I feel guilty. I feel bad for having something that someone else doesn't. I received a very prestigious award at work last quarter. I was in the TOP 10 of the Region. We have over 500 reps. I was so very proud of this but downplayed it so others wouldn't be upset. Seeing other people happy makes me feel good. Over the years I have learned though, that not everyone puts everyone else first. So if I don't make choices to put my needs first, I may find myself trampled on. And I have been trampled on a lot!!

So I have a ton to work on. But I know that with LOVE I can do this. Really it boils down to loving myself and being okay with that. I need to believe in myself.

A work in progress I am.

More fitness related posts later, but this one I needed to write out.

Little Fire for Friday

2010-08-13T02:16:00.001-04:00

Changes in Progress

2010-06-28T07:50:00.001-04:00

So things will be in limbo for a bit here. I'm going to try and get my new layout completed soon. iPhone really launches tomorrow, so that will suck up 2 days of my life. Not thrilled, but what can ya do?

I gained back 11 pounds in the last month and a half. How??- by not being active. Food hasn't been top notch either. Moving- exercise- is SO key. My body needs activity. Periods of pure exhaustion, having headaches, hormone freakouts... I have to find a way to overcome these. They happen. And I have to assume for now that they will always happen. Am I going to just sit back every time? Every time it happens, I retreat. I'm just going to have to push through them. As crappy as I feel.
Who's in charge here? ME or MY EMOTIONS? I'm sure there are times where I just need to rest, but when I can push, I must. The way I feel dictates too much of my life. I need to start operating on knowledge not feelings. I won't ignore my intuition... but I have to achieve some balance here.

I missed a week of C25K. Between uncooperative weather and work mayhem... I really need to get into a gym. Money is super tight right now, so hopefully next payday. I was progressing nicely. I am hoping to jump back into it soon. Maybe tonight. I did my 100 push ups program today.

100 Push Ups Program
Day One- 50 total

Going for 100% on the meals today. Hopefully I can check in tomorrow with that as a success.

These are Great One Liners!

2010-06-12T06:46:00.000-04:00

Love these...

John Wooden’s All-Time Best One-Liners

There are no shortcuts
Always be progressing
Give it away to get it back
If you wish to be heard, listen
Laugh with others, never at them
Never mistake activity for achievement
Nothing is stronger than gentleness
Persistence is stronger than failure
There is no substitute for hard work
We get stronger when we test ourselves
Happiness begins where selfishness ends
You are more influential than you think
Failing to prepare is preparing to fail
Discipline yourself and others won’t need to
Learn from the past, don't live in the past
Fear no opponent but respect every opponent
Hard work is the difference. Very hard work
Take what’s available and make the most of it
You never fail if you know you did your best
When you are through learning, you are through
What is right is more important than who is right
The time to make friends is before you need them
The worthy opponent brings out the very best in you
There is a price to be paid for achieving anything
You can do more good by being good than any other way
The difficult challenge provides the best opportunity
Once the opportunity arises, its too late to prepare
Greatness is being your best when your best is needed
Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating
The smallest good deed is better than the best intention
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation
Tell the truth, that way you dont have to remember a story
Everybody has a suggestion, not everybody has a decision
For every artificial peak you create, there is a valley
Be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way
Time spent getting even would be better spent trying to get ahead
Being average means you’re as close to the bottom as you are to the top
Ability can get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there
You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react
Much can be accomplished when no one is concerned about who gets the credit
Spend too much time learning tricks of the trade and you may never learn the trade

Moving Update and Reflections

2010-06-04T10:59:00.000-04:00

So the move is over. It was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!

I did so much by myself and I didn't get a uhaul until the last day. That was a mistake. Too many little trips. This process has been hard on me mentally and physically. My body is still aching. My joints hurt a lot. I felt like I was PMSing the whole time. I didn't get enough protein in. I didn't eat often and the meals I did eat weren't always the best. I gained 6lbs during the last 2 weeks. It feels more like 16. :(
As I was packing and unpacking I found various meal plans, diet programs, journals, new years resolutions. Every resolution had lose weight, get healthy, exercise more, dance, learn sign language, and pose/ create a pin up calendar for my husband, learn to be more trusting. For the last 8 years... my goals have been the same. Every year is THE YEAR to make the changes happen and yet every year I repeat the same list. :(
Its not like I don't want to reach my goals. I want to live unencumbered by my body. I am afraid before too long it will be too late and I won't ever get to feel free. Being overweight is exhausting on all levels. Physical ramifications are obvious, but the mental battles I have are worse. I beat myself up for failing over and over again. I go through phases of being unstoppable and on fire. Then something happens. My body starts fighting me. I get headaches, I breakout like a teenager, I am exhausted, I get nosebleeds, sometimes I get an ulcer. I don't understand it. Its like my hormones go all of out of control.
I worked SO hard during the move. I lifted heavy boxes, furniture, sweated buckets and my body told me everyday how sore and unhappy it was. I didn't get any workouts in. I don't have a new gym and quite frankly my body just couldn't do anymore than it has been. All the exhaustion and hard work didn't burn enough calories. I still managed to gain back all the fat. :(
I am trying a new doctor this month. I am hoping and praying she can help me get the physical side of things under control. My PCOS is just out of control. The BCP I am on isn't working right and it does NOT control my PCOS and Insulin Resistance. I take a boatload of supplements to try and help and they don't seem to work either. :(
In the meantime, I am shifting my goals a bit. I of course still want and need to lose all this fat. I still ultimately want to compete. I'd love to compete this fall... but for now I am doing a mini goal. I am starting the Couch to 5K program. Its something to be motivated about. Right now I just need to make some progress and feel like I am accomplishing something. I feel like a failure after this last couple of weeks.
I've made huge changes. I've moved, separated from my husband, I've been doing things on my own that I never did before. I guess all the changes and uncertainties are a bit overwhelming. I can only take one day and one step at a time.
I will never give up. I will never stop dreaming. I WILL achieve my goals. I just need to keep taking step after step.

Sugar....

2010-05-15T08:50:00.000-04:00

Its not like I really need to do research on sugar to know its not good for me. I am going on a Sugar Strike. I'll blog more as I get details on how I plan to accomplish eliminating sugar (processed, artificial- not natural carbs). I will share my experiences- some of which I don't expect to be pleasant. I'm quite sure I'll be detoxing.
So for now I leave you with a list I found from My Sugar Free Life

Not Enough Reasons?
146 Reasons Why Sugar Is Ruining Your Health

By Nancy Appleton, Ph.D.

1. Sugar can suppress the immune system.
2. Sugar upsets the mineral relationships in the body.
3. Sugar can cause hyperactivity, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and crankiness in children.
4. Sugar can produce a significant rise in triglycerides.
5. Sugar contributes to the reduction in defense against bacterial infection (infectious diseases).
6. Sugar causes a loss of tissue elasticity and function, the more sugar you eat the more elasticity and function you loose.
7. Sugar reduces high density lipoproteins.
8. Sugar leads to chromium deficiency.
9 Sugar leads to cancer of the ovaries.
10. Sugar can increase fasting levels of glucose.
11. Sugar causes copper deficiency.
12. Sugar interferes with absorption of calcium and magnesium.
13. Sugar can weaken eyesight.
14. Sugar raises the level of a neurotransmitters: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.
15. Sugar can cause hypoglycemia.
16. Sugar can produce an acidic digestive tract.
17. Sugar can cause a rapid rise of adrenaline levels in children.
18. Sugar malabsorption is frequent in patients with functional bowel disease.
19. Sugar can cause premature aging.
20. Sugar can lead to alcoholism.
21. Sugar can cause tooth decay.
22. Sugar contributes to obesity
23. High intake of sugar increases the risk of Crohn's disease, and ulcerative colitis.
24. Sugar can cause changes frequently found in person with gastric or duodenal ulcers.
25. Sugar can cause arthritis.
26. Sugar can cause asthma.
27. Sugar greatly assists the uncontrolled growth of Candida Albicans (yeast infections).
28. Sugar can cause gallstones.
29. Sugar can cause heart disease.
30. Sugar can cause appendicitis.
31. Sugar can cause multiple sclerosis.
32. Sugar can cause hemorrhoids.
33. Sugar can cause varicose veins.
34. Sugar can elevate glucose and insulin responses in oral contraceptive users.
35. Sugar can lead to periodontal disease.
36. Sugar can contribute to osteoporosis.
37. Sugar contributes to saliva acidity.
38. Sugar can cause a decrease in insulin sensitivity.
39. Sugar can lower the amount of Vitamin E (alpha-Tocopherol in the blood.
40. Sugar can decrease growth hormone.
41. Sugar can increase cholesterol.
42. Sugar can increase the systolic blood pressure.
43. Sugar can cause drowsiness and decreased activity in children.
44. High sugar intake increases advanced glycation end products (AGEs)(Sugar bound non-enzymatically to protein)
45. Sugar can interfere with the absorption of protein.
46. Sugar causes food allergies.
47. Sugar can contribute to diabetes.
48. Sugar can cause toxemia during pregnancy.
49. Sugar can contribute to eczema in children.
50. Sugar can cause cardiovascular disease.
51. Sugar can impair the structure of DNA
52. Sugar can change the structure of protein.
53. Sugar can make our skin age by changing the structure of collagen.
54. Sugar can cause cataracts.
55. Sugar can cause emphysema.
56. Sugar can cause atherosclerosis.
57. Sugar can promote an elevation of low density lipoproteins (LDL).
58. High sugar intake can impair the physiological homeostasis of many systems in the body.
59. Sugar lowers the enzymes ability to function.
60. Sugar intake is higher in people with Parkinson’s disease.
61. Sugar can cause a permanent altering the way the proteins act in the body.
62. Sugar can increase the size of the liver by making the liver cells divide.
63. Sugar can increase the amount of liver fat.
64. Sugar can increase kidney size and produce pathological changes in the kidney.
65. Sugar can damage the pancreas.
66. Sugar can increase the body's fluid retention.
67. Sugar is enemy #1 of the bowel movement.
68. Sugar can cause myopia (nearsightedness).
69. Sugar can compromise the lining of the capillaries.
70. Sugar can make the tendons more brittle.
71. Sugar can cause headaches, including migraine.
72. Sugar plays a role in pancreatic cancer in women.
73. Sugar can adversely affect school children's grades and cause learning disorders..
74. Sugar can cause an increase in delta, alpha, and theta brain waves.
75. Sugar can cause depression.
76. Sugar increases the risk of gastric cancer.
77. Sugar and cause dyspepsia (indigestion).
78. Sugar can increase your risk of getting gout.
79. Sugar can increase the levels of glucose in an oral glucose tolerance test over the ingestion of complex carbohydrates.
80. Sugar can increase the insulin responses in humans consuming high-sugar diets compared to low sugar diets.
81 High refined sugar diet reduces learning capacity.
82. Sugar can cause less effective functioning of two blood proteins, albumin, and lipoproteins, which may reduce the body’s ability to handle fat and cholesterol.
83. Sugar can contribute to Alzheimer’s disease.
84. Sugar can cause platelet adhesiveness.
85. Sugar can cause hormonal imbalance; some hormones become underactive and others become overactive.
86. Sugar can lead to the formation of kidney stones.
87. Sugar can lead to the hypothalamus to become highly sensitive to a large variety of stimuli.
88. Sugar can lead to dizziness.
89. Diets high in sugar can cause free radicals and oxidative stress.
90. High sucrose diets of subjects with peripheral vascular disease significantly increases platelet adhesion.
91. High sugar diet can lead to biliary tract cancer.
92. Sugar feeds cancer.
93. High sugar consumption of pregnant adolescents is associated with a twofold increased risk for delivering a small-for-gestational-age (SGA) infant.
94. High sugar consumption can lead to substantial decrease in gestation duration among adolescents.
95. Sugar slows food's travel time through the gastrointestinal tract.
96. Sugar increases the concentration of bile acids in stools and bacterial enzymes in the colon. This can modify bile to produce cancer-causing compounds and colon cancer.
97. Sugar increases estradiol (the most potent form of naturally occurring estrogen) in men.
98. Sugar combines and destroys phosphatase, an enzyme, which makes the process of digestion more difficult.
99. Sugar can be a risk factor of gallbladder cancer.
100. Sugar is an addictive substance.
101. Sugar can be intoxicating, similar to alcohol.
102. Sugar can exacerbate PMS.
103. Sugar given to premature babies can affect the amount of carbon dioxide they produce.
104. Decrease in sugar intake can increase emotional stability.
105. The body changes sugar into 2 to 5 times more fat in the bloodstream than it does starch.
106. The rapid absorption of sugar promotes excessive food intake in obese subjects.
107. Sugar can worsen the symptoms of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
108. Sugar adversely affects urinary electrolyte composition.
109. Sugar can slow down the ability of the adrenal glands to function.
110. Sugar has the potential of inducing abnormal metabolic processes in a normal healthy individual and to promote chronic degenerative diseases.
111.. I.Vs (intravenous feedings) of sugar water can cut off oxygen to the brain.
112. High sucrose intake could be an important risk factor in lung cancer.
113. Sugar increases the risk of polio.
114. High sugar intake can cause epileptic seizures.
115. Sugar causes high blood pressure in obese people.
116. In Intensive Care Units, limiting sugar saves lives.
117. Sugar may induce cell death.
118. Sugar can increase the amount of food that you eat.
119. In juvenile rehabilitation camps, when children were put on a low sugar diet, there was a 44% drop in antisocial behavior.
120. Sugar can lead to prostrate cancer.
121. Sugar dehydrates newborns.
122. Sugar increases the estradiol in young men.
123. Sugar can cause low birth weight babies.
124. Greater consumption of refined sugar is associated with a worse outcome of schizophrenia
125. Sugar can raise homocysteine levels in the blood stream.
126. Sweet food items increase the risk of breast cancer.
127. Sugar is a risk factor in cancer of the small intestine.
128. Sugar may cause laryngeal cancer.
129. Sugar induces salt and water retention.
130. Sugar may contribute to mild memory loss.
131. As sugar increases in the diet of 10 years olds, there is a linear decrease in the intake of many essential nutrients.
132. Sugar can increase the total amount of food consumed.
133. Exposing a newborn to sugar results in a heightened preference for sucrose relative to water at 6 months and 2 years of age.
134. Sugar causes constipation.
135. Sugar causes varicous veins.
136. Sugar can cause brain decay in prediabetic and diabetic women.
137. Sugar can increase the risk of stomach cancer.
138. Sugar can cause metabolic syndrome.
139. Sugar ingestion by pregnant women increases neural tube defects in embryos.
140. Sugar can be a factor in asthma.
141. The higher the sugar consumption the more chances of getting irritable bowel syndrome.
142. Sugar could affect central reward systems.
143. Sugar can cause cancer of the rectum.
144. Sugar can cause endometrial cancer.
145. Sugar can cause renal (kidney) cell carcinoma.
146. Sugar can cause liver tumors.

Love this prescription for the scale....

2010-04-24T11:05:00.002-04:00

Reprinted from another thread, but here is Dr. Char's prescription for banishing the scale-weight blues:

1. Eat large meal of clean food for energy. E/C stack optional.

2. Take scale and toss (through window) onto front lawn.

3. Fall to knees; beat scale with tire iron. Attempt to set PR for invective. Ignore staring neighbors.

4. Put scale into trunk of car; drive at high speed to nearest large garbage dump.

5. Take scale out of trunk; hurl into putrid pit of rotting food and coffee grinds.

6. Pay sweaty fat man with "CAT" cap to run his front-loader over scale several dozen times.

7. Take molotov cocktail (prepared earlier) from glove compartment; light and hurl onto remains of scale.

8. Dance mad jig around resulting bonfire. Insane cackling and kettlebells for additional GPP work optional.

9. Drive back to home at more sedate speed. Try for feeling that you have after really good sex.

10. Eat second clean meal. Between bites, chant "Free at last, free at last! Great god almighty, FREE AT LAST!!!!"

Really? An update?!? :P It's a DOOZIE. Plus pics!

2010-03-10T20:28:00.000-05:00

SOOOO SORRY for being such a slacker!
February was a rough month mentally and physically. Got kicked down by an infection that just wouldn't die. Had to back to the doctor, got stabbed in the butt by Helga the Viking nurse and gained back some weight from the steroid shot. I dropped the weight back and lost more.

Split up with the husband Wednesday before the Arnold, went to the Arnold on Thursday and Friday- had a blast with the girls. THANK YOU for helping me stay sane! I am sad, but more relieved and happy since the split. It was such a tough thing to do- in fact the hardest thing I have ever done. It was the right decision though. It may not be a permanent separation, though it is starting to feel that way. I've been so happy and I have felt so free. One thing I did learn was that I definitely eat when angry. When anxious, I can't eat. I just gagged on food. This is a huge learning experience.
Since the Arnold, I have been on plan and happy. I started with Erik from Leanbodies and I'm looking forward to seeing where we go from here. I am feeling like I can be me. I feel at home in the gym now. I'm changing so much and learning so much about myself. I still feel sad at times, but the strength that I have been building up over these last 5 years is amazing and its carrying me through. Its amazing how you don't know what you are made of until you are tested. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was.

Watching the Pros at the Arnold made me realize a few things. First- you can't be afraid of the judges. Look at them, acknowledge them- work them! Second- the Pro's don't work so hard to pose. They just do it. They were all so graceful and they looked relaxed. They were all gorgeous and they just worked their poses like anyone else smiles, blinks or walks. They just did it. It looked SO natural.

Here are my shots. :)

Calendar Update-- January Complete!

2010-02-01T22:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I got 31 days under my belt before the most horrendous infection took over my body. I have been coughing for almost a week. I have sinus congestion so bad that I can't even get the neti pot to work. The water goes nowhere! I think I *might* be turning the corner... :) *crossing fingers*
Anyway, the sickness derailed me a bit. I haven't overeaten. I just had way more carbs than I'd like. I basically have lived off of soup and crackers. I haven't been hungry but I've tried to get some veggies in. I stayed mostly on plan today. Ended up with soup for dinner since my antibiotics and lunch didn't go well at all. These meds have torn my stomach up... I'll be glad when I am done with them AND this stupid infection. Apparently it is known to be a long one. I don't wish it on anyone.

I reached two goals in January. Well make that THREE.
1.- I fit into my wedding set again!
2- I dropped the 15lbs I was shooting to lose!
3- I ate clean for 31 days! NO artificial garbage, lots of veggies... It was truly an amazing experience to see how I changed. My mind is different!

I know that the next couple of months will have moments where I'll want junk. Social times do that. BUT I know I am stronger and healthier for eliminating the junk. The soup from this bout of sickness had NO MSG. I guess that's good. I just didn't have the energy or stomach for much of anything else. Tomorrow no soup. Back on plan 100%. That means I need to eat more meals. I barely got 3 in. I just didn't want to eat. I guess it could be my body working hard to fight off the infection. Digesting food takes away energy....

Anyway... here is my pretty calendar. Complete with stars galore! February's calendar has heart stickers!!

Great Inspiration

2010-01-14T11:08:00.001-05:00

I knew a lot of this story from Julie, but I wanted to put up a link. Julie was so dedicated she shed the baby weight and even NURSED her son between rounds on stage!

Meet Julie Lohre

Tenacious Thursday!

2010-01-14T06:57:00.002-05:00

Tenacious; adjective;
Definition: strong, unyielding
Synonyms: adamant, bound, clinging, coherent, cohesive, determined, dogged, fast, firm, forceful, inflexible, intransigent, iron, meaning business, mulish, obdurate, obstinate, persevering, persistent, persisting, pertinacious, possessive, purposeful, relentless, resolute, retentive, set, solid, spunky, stalwart, staunch, steadfast, stout, strong-willed, stubborn, sturdy, sure, tight, tough, true, unforgetful, unshakable, unswerving

Antonyms: surrendering, weak, yielding

Don't yield to your circumstances. BE TENACIOUS!!

Calendar Update

2010-01-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

So this is what my calendar looks like so far. :) SO happy with my progress and determination!

Struggling to stay on track?? (not me this time!)

2010-01-12T07:09:00.000-05:00

So I still battle the sugar monster- its typically bad on Monday after the re-feed. I want more carbs.I am not lacking for food in my diet, but its always interesting to see how my body responds- but even more interesting is my mind.

When I think back on why I have struggled, there is ALWAYS some emotional tie. In the recent years (and this has LONG been a habit dating back to high school) I "medicated" with food. Whatever sugary or salty fix that would pump up the endorphins and make me feel less crappy about life I would consume. I found that anger was the biggest fuel. Feeling the lack of control in other situations, feeling neglected or rejected meant "loving ME" by eating. Ben & Jerry sure loved me, right? The bliss in my mouth soon became shame, more anger, frustration and hopelessness. The times I tried to stick with programs, I was successful for short bursts, but I never dealt with all the emotional components. This thing called weight loss (I prefer fat loss); this journey to be healthier is so much more than eating the right foods and doing the right workouts. It is absolutely imperative to break the emotional ties we have to food. Certain foods are comforting. They remind us of times in our lives, people, memories... The worst part though, is the physical reactions that take place. Peanut butter and chocolate have an unnatural power over me. LOL There are lots of associations for things in my life, but there is a very real physical reaction when I eat that combo that calls out for more! Breaking the emotional tie is the first and biggest step, but there is a fight to release the physical addiction as well.
Don't be fooled into thinking that just sheer will power alone will help you eat right. It does take a lot of that! It is a mind over matter issue! You have to be strong, but you have to have ammo for the physical too. WATER. Drinking water, eating veggies, exercising. These things can help keep the temptations weak. In the end you have to choose, but it helps to know what you are really up against. Break the emotional ties first. Then be prepared for the physical ties and this journey gets a little bit easier.

I am staying aware of what I am wanting and why. It has now come down to I want a strong, healthy and thinner body and I want it more than the short term fixes that junky food offers. I'm not saying I never want something unhealthy, but as each day progresses, I am feeling stronger and wanting my healthy foods more than anything.

Please, if you can...

2010-01-10T19:17:00.002-05:00

I know times are tough. If you can spare anything... Donate to Alzheimer's Association on my behalf for my birthday wish....

Visualization is KEY

2010-01-10T11:13:00.001-05:00

When I think back on all the things I accomplished in high school, the main theme is that I saw myself accomplishing those goals. No one told me I had to visualize my goals coming true. Somehow, I had some confidence- perhaps I was just a cocky teenager? I was determined. Absolutely willful in everything I did. I'm quite sure my parents wanted to choke me at times. Haha. The point is, I was determined to succeed- to get whatever it was I wanted. I SAW those accomplishments before they happened. I FELT them. I had some frivolous goals- like winning the AFJROTC Military Ball Queen. Why? I don't know. I just really wanted it. I guess it was something that I thought would make me special. So... I saw myself winning. I felt that tiara on my head, the sash over my dress and the smile on my face when I won. Notice I said WHEN. Sure I had moments of doubt and fear, but I spent more time focusing on winning. Same thing for first chair position in band, becoming a drum major, honor guard captain, creating a mounted horse unit for an opening ceremony for a drill meet, organizing a huge food drive that was amazingly successful... if I think about those accomplishments, I SAW and FELT success.

That vision and feeling is what I've been lacking in a lot of my adult life. When I go for job interviews, I have that same determination and vision, but elsewhere is when I struggle. Life in general is good at smacking you around. If you don't hold fast to those dreams and visions, you can easily be led astray into the cloudy muck or daily surviving. People you meet in life aren't always nice. But there are plenty of nice and encouraging people out there. Those are the people to surround yourself with. Surrounding myself with like-minded and positive people have helped me so often.

Pauline's blog gives me the kick in the butt I need. The Co-Diva Forums give me the friendship and positive feedback, my blog and blogging friends provide information and friendship... environment makes a difference. But the KEY in all of this- Visualization. I MUST see and feel success. So far its working great. I refuse to see myself as tired and frumpy and angry. I see myself as strong, slender, at peace... I see myself as determined and successful. I see my tiny waist and my strong, robust shoulders. I feel my shoulders growing when I work them. I see myself smiling and full of grace as I pose. I feel great and my body is responding...

TRY IT!!

Jam Packed Post Ahead!! Greek Yogurt & Headphones!

2010-01-08T11:18:00.003-05:00

First- personal progress updates.

December 28th is when I started my first clean eating day. I weighed in at 201.8. I am ashamed that I let myself get to that point again, but I know the path and emotions that got me there and I am no longer walking that path. I started following the Fighter Diet that I purchased. I only purchased the one week program because honestly, I've been on a tight budget. So I set off with high hopes and extreme determination.

January 1- I weighed in after only 4 days. My whole point in doing that was that I was starting a fresh year and Fridays are a better weigh in day since my re-feeds are Sundays. 197.4 . - 4.4lbs Baby!

I was worried about how this new plan was going to go. I had to alter it a bit because of the fish portion. I don't know that I have a true allergy, but I get terrible heartburn and fish burps for hours after. I hate the taste anyway. I tried and tried to get over the taste but in the end, the heartburn and fish burps did it in. So I subbed in LF chicken breasts in the bigger meals and Greek yogurt for one of the meals each day. This has obviously worked fine. Its about nutrient ratios and calories, so I did my best to make sure I was hitting those. So I weighed in today... 193.2 ! -4.2! WooHoo! Total - 8.6 I'm on fire! :)

In Summary:

Dec 28th- 201.8

Jan 1st - 197.4

Jan 8th - 193.2

So far- - 8.6lbs!

Okay, I have to share a few more things.

I am a fan of FAGE Greek Yogurt. It is definitely good and good for you. I want to give props to Stonyfield Farm though. Oikos Organic Greek Yogurt is fabulous!!! I didn't even know they had such a thing! I have gotten lots of their regular cow yogurt over the years and I love that they are an organic farm. This was such a great surprise. I went to a different grocery store in a pinch and discovered these gems. They have single serves, 4-packs and pints. I am a huge fan of the 4-packs- lower in calories although they do have some sugar from the fruit if you get that kind. I add in half a scoop of protein powder and its perfect! 25g protein and 12g carbs. Plain is much lower in carbs- coming in at only 5g. These are perfect treats. You feel like you are cheating with something bad, but they are so healthy! Why Greek Yogurt? "Greek yogurt has an incredibly rich and creamy texture, about twice the protein of regular yogurt, less lactose, and fewer carbs."

So yeah, if your meal plan allows- I HIGHLY recommend trying Stonyfield Farm's Oikos Organic Greek Yogurt!

My next new favorite product- Altec Lansing/Plantronics 903 BackBeat wireless headphones. They are Bluetooth headphones so your music device needs to have that capability. I use my iPhone which has a built in iPod. I can't even begin to express my joy at using these! The sound quality is fantastic. They are lightweight, easy to use, comfortable- even for my small ears, and most importantly there is freedom in having no wires- anywhere. No cords out or inside your shirt. Nothing to untangle... I don't do well with cords, so these are perfect!! Plus they stay on my head when I am doing jumping jacks, jump rope and running. I believe there is another model- the 906 that has a Bluetooth transmitter so if your device doesn't have Bluetooth in it already you can get the other model and still take advantage of these awesome headphones!! I see that some people have reviewed these and gotten defective ones. I haven't had any issues. Hope I don't. I got mine from the AT&T store. They do carry a one year warranty, so if something goes wrong I can bring them back. Overall the reviews for these earpieces are great.

Suit?

2010-01-06T07:27:00.000-05:00

I love, love, love this suit...

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T06:23:00.002-05:00

Wishing everyone a fantastic New Year. Forget the past regrets. Move forward with determination and fervor.

This year is my year. I am declaring victory over obstacles and the achievement of dreams.

I woke up this morning to a kind scale. I am down 4lbs from Monday. I have been so diligent in my diet. I was so please to see this change! I was really weighing in for my 2010 start. My calendar is ready to rock with stars. I have the last 4 days of December filled up. Creating my own calendar took things to the next level and that really made it even more special. It's more important to do it right now more than ever.

My birthday is in 2 weeks. My goal is to be down 8lbs or more. I am keeping my precious muscle. I am eating on schedule and consuming enough protein. I am so pumped. I know that my dreams are coming true this year. I can feel it. I am determined and I can SEE it. I really can envision my success- my accomplishments are real.

On top of the hundreds of things I want to accomplish, I am going to make a special effort to pause each day in gratitude. I had a rough 2009. I sure wasn't alone in that, but I made it. I made it to another year, another decade. That's just the start....

New Calendar

2009-12-31T06:30:00.002-05:00

I made a new calendar to track my success.... not the best picture... I'll try to get a better one up later

Motivational Stuff

2009-12-30T10:27:00.002-05:00

So... I love this top and this woman (Tiana Gonzalez) has a fab body! Love her back! One day this year I will have on a similar outfit and be just as hawt. Oh Yeah!

Definite photo shoot idea...

Okay, that's it for now. :)

Fighter Diet

2009-12-29T10:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I did most of the Fighter Diet. Had a planned dinner out, so mostly on track. Today I am going for 100%. I am having trouble with the volume of food, but I plan to be clean and only eat what's authorized. This has to be one of the stranger meal plan I've had, but looking at Pauline... yeah, I'll try it! I'm pushing extra, extra hard in my workouts. I keep imagining Pauline looking at me saying I can do more, I can do better. I hear my own voice telling me that I am awesome and strong. I MUST keep going. And I have. And I will continue. I'm done settling for what I think I can do. Its time to push beyond that. I have more in me than I have ever imagined. I am NOT going to be stopped. I am going to make the stage in May with a body that defies my circumstances. A body that no one will believe belongs to me. But I will know. I will know what it took to create my dream body. It won't be easy, but no one ever said it would be.

Bucket List & 2010

2009-12-27T22:21:00.002-05:00

Go Skydiving
Ride horses again
Photograph in Africa
Photograph in Galapagos
Compete in Figure/Bikini Contest
Learn to fire a gun
Take martial arts class (tbd)
Learn to ballroom & Latin dance
Run a 5k
Play the guitar
Run my own photography business
Do 100 push ups
Go to England
Go to Italy
Make my own pasta from scratch
Do pin up calendar
Go downhill skiing
Accomplish the these yoga poses: Scorpion, Crane, Headstand, Wheel- variations too
Own and train dogs
Go ice skating in Central Park
Visit NYC
See the Redwoods in California
Visit Portland, OR
Hike the Appalachian Trail
Do a fitness photoshoot- as the model not photographer!

2010 Goals-

1. Hit goal weight
2. MAINTAIN healthy goal weight. (may fluctuate from comp weight)
3. Compete with my Diva friends in at least one show.
4. Do fitness photoshoot as model
5. Do pin up calendar
6. Do photoshoots for friends and new clients
7. Go skydiving
8. Increase Photoshop skills
9. Get more photography equipment
10. Go hiking and camping at least 3x !
11. Enter photos in contests
12. Go on at least 1 wine tour
13. Do 2010 Calendar
14. Run a 5k
15. Learn one ballroom dance
16. Go ice skating in central park (this may have to wait til Jan 2011 depending on my job situation)
17. Consume more organic foods
18. Be more environmentally friendly
19. Learn more about alzheimers
20. Put scrapbook together for my grandma (to help her with her struggle with alzheimers)

So yeah... lots of goals and dreams. :)

I am so excited to start using my fitbook that Cori gave me. I'm so excited that she was my secret santa. She chose a perfect gift! I'm going to start using it Jan 1 so I have a plan in place and I can track from the very beginning of 2010. Love the compact size!

Quickie?

2009-12-19T09:18:00.002-05:00

So I am at work attempting to blog. :P

I got hit hard this last week with some crazy arse infection. My throat felt like it was going to swell up and close off completely. It hurt SO bad. My coworker went to the doc and he was told it was strep that he had. I had the same symptoms a day later. I loaded up with Vit C, echinacea, green tea, probiotics and I managed to get some antibiotics called in as a favor from my doc since I don't have health insurance until the 1st of the year. I feel a lot better but not top notch yet. My head is still a bowl of mucus. Yuck. I can't wait til its over. I got a short cardio session in. It felt good to move again, but I could tell I was pushing my limits. I'm going to keep moving the rest of the weekend. My plan is to be ready to push hard by Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas... its been tradition to have a glass of eggnog (or three!) on Christmas morning. I love the stuff. This year I passed up gallons of the stuff. Finally my habits got the best of me and I picked up a beautiful carton. I held it in my hand and imagined the smooth, creamy, spicy drink flowing over my tongue. THEN, I stupidly read the back of the damn carton! I knew the fat and sugar was bad. That actually didn't phase me. I was aware of those damages. What I was completely unaware of was the HFCS!! I always thought eggnog was just milk/cream, eggs, spices and sugar. Uh..... Frickin High Fructose Corn Syrup???? Damn you HFCS! Its listed 2x! So yeah.... my beloved eggnog is off limits. The hubby has offered to make me some homemade stuff, but its just not the same. I tried to spice up my UMP protein shake with all the right spices... it was okay, but not eggnog. I even tried adding an egg! lol So, I guess all good things must come to an end. :P Eggnog neva did nuttin' for my body anyway.... except tickle my tastebuds....

K, gotta run. I only have 1 day off before Christmas. :( Time is short.

The Sickies and attitude

2009-12-13T23:13:00.004-05:00

I haven't been feeling too spiffy the last couple of days.
It was some fake it til you make it until my body just broke down and said no. I felt like junk yesterday and today complete garbage dump. Thankfully, Mucinex is helping me breathe easier now. My stomach has been a mess the last 3 days. Its been hurting and I have been so nauseated. I have felt like I need to burp but can't. Just a few hours ago I finally got some relief. I guess the flu has been going around. Perhaps I just got that. I hope its over by tomorrow. I need to get back to my workouts and eating on schedule. I mostly avoided food this weekend because it hurt to eat and I was nauseated anyway.
I made some homemade veggie soup tonight. It tasted good and so far my stomach is okay with it. I'm sure it will help with energy. I just didn't have any today. I slept so much and now I am in trouble tonight I think.

I have a lot on my mind. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I liked this quote and thought I should share it:

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with the which comes the inner voice that says "This is the real me", and when you have found that attitude, follow it." -- William James

Inspired: The Movie

2009-12-06T07:58:00.002-05:00

I haven't seen the movie but this trailer made me cry... pay attention to the first guy they show- wait til you see the end!

PCOS, support and a nugget of truth

2009-12-03T23:58:00.004-05:00

Discovery!
One of my Diva friends linked to a new site today. As some of you know, I have PCOS. Learning how to deal with various aspects of this syndrome has been a journey for sure. Its still not over, but I *think* things are going in the right direction. Anyway, I was aware of Soulcysters. I signed up and have read lots over the last year. I really may have benefited more had I participated and really got involved in the board more. Instead I just lurked periodically. Usually I was searching for more information to try and cope with some hormonal catastrophe I was experiencing. Most of the time I try to deny my situation. I try to pretend that I don't have a metabolic issue at play in my weight loss and overall health. My friend found a related site called Fitcyster. Its a branch off of soulcysters. Its really focused on the fitness side of things- the EXACT thing I have been wanting. I wanted to find a group of women that could relate to the reality of PCOS but still had goals to be fit and healthy. I have requested to be a part of this group and I hope that I will be allowed to join. The weight loss part of this journey is so pivitol to me managing my symptoms. I know the basics and even most of the details. The inspiration of successful women and those who are struggling, fighting and succeeding in the quest for health will be so helpful. I've been trying to do this on my own. I've tried to deny that my situation is real. It is real and having a specific support system means so much.
I absolutely love and adore all my Co-Diva and blog friends. I am not seeking a replacement for you!! I am just seeking to add a more specific support system to my already wonderful friends. :)
I am hoping to gain more knowledge and learn from other women's experiences. 2010 is my year to shine. I am committing to a lifetime and lifestyle of health. 2010 is just the beginning. ;)

Now for the nugget of truth. I found this on the Fitcyster site: An article from the Dayton Daily News.

Simply gritting teeth and using willpower might work for a while, the long-term weight losers say, but eventually they'll need coping skills for when the willpower runs out. Ultimately, Eshbaugh says, losing weight comes down to the things a person will do for himself. “Willpower is what you won't do.”

Fun Morning- official song of the day and big butts

2009-11-30T09:41:00.005-05:00

Its been a fun morning filled with big butts and gung-ho dieting. :)

This was shared by Becca- originally found on Hardbody.com. LOVE this!!

The text reads:
My butt is big and round like the letter C and then thousand lunges have made it rounder but not smaller. And that’s just fine. It’s a space heater for my side of the bed. It’s my ambassador. To those who walk behind me, it’s a border collie that herds skinny women away from the best deals at clothing sales. My butt is big and that’s just fine. And those who might scorn it are invited to kiss it.

Oh yeah. My booty is big and I'm working on getting it tighter and rounder.

And for my musical moment- the OFFICIAL Song of the Day:

GUNG - HO DIETING

Just click on the link, click the video and read the lyrics. Do it. DO IT! Its too fun to pass up and I promise you'll be singing it all day. :)

So much goodness in the morning... I love it!

New Playlist, 16 weeks out & push ups

2009-11-29T12:02:00.005-05:00

My back and neck were so strained feeling I decided it was better to take an extra rest day on the push ups. Back at it today!

Week Four, Day Three 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 23
Set Two: 28
Set Three: 23
Set Four: 23
Max Set: 36
Total: 133 !

Nothing like a new play list to spice things ups. :) I've got a kick-ass list now. Totally pumped me up for the whole workout. This was overdo for sure. In no particular order:

Love Game – Lady Gaga

Poker Face - Lady Gaga
Misery Business- Paramore

Listen to Your Heart- Edmee Techno remix

Paint It Black – Rolling Stones

Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf

Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas

I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Wrong Way – Sublime

Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing- Chris Isaak

Welcome to Paradise- Green Day

Turning Japanese- Incubus

Hot N Cold- Katy Perry

Dani California- RHCP

Give It Away – RHCP

Runnin’ Down a Dream- Tom Petty

I Like the Way You Move- Bodyrockers

What You Waiting For- Gwen Stefani

Womanizer- Britney Spears

Toxic- Britney Spears

My Prerogative- Britney Spears

ighter- Christina Aguilera

Rebel Yell- Billy Idol

Butterfly- Crazytown

You Spin Me Right Round- Dead or Alive

Inside Out- Eve 6

Private Eyes – Hall & Oates

Are You Gonna Be My Girl- Jet

My Sharona- The Knack

Here It Goes Again- OK Go

She’s Got the Look – Roxette

Livin’ La Vido Loca – Ricky Martin

Hazy Shade of Winter- The Bangles

Wild, Sweet, Cool- The Crystal Method

Magic Carpet Ride (techno remix) – The Crystal Method

We’re Not Gonna Take It- Twisted Sister

Bust A Move- Young MC

Take It Off- The Donnas

Out of My Hands- The Donnas

Rock the Casbah – The Clash

16 weeks out as of Saturday. Not sure how I'll do, but I'm not stopping. I'm going to push through hard and try to drop 10lbs by Christmas. Things are going to be a little rough at work. We are short staffed for Christmas season. No worries though. I'm sure I can still get my food in.

One thing I am working on is asthma control. One thing that happens is with hormonal changes, asthma symptoms change. During my period, my asthma is worse. So in addition to headaches, bloating and cramps, its hard to breathe. Nice. So I am using breathe right strips, 2 inhalers and drinking loads of water. I can't do much more. At night I have taken an antihistamine occasionally to help with the crazy congestion. January I can go back to the doctors and get my new plan of attack for hormones. For now, its just keep taking my vitamins, calcium and magnesium and staying on plan. I'm fighting the pain today with the headache and cramps. My energy levels are up today and I'm using that to my advantage. I have my workouts in and I'm going to clean and decorate for Christmas. I made a wreath last night. :) I'm feeling more fesitive today. :)

After Thanksgiving Thoughts

2009-11-27T08:10:00.002-05:00

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)

Family holiday times are often a bag of mixed emotion for me. For those of you lucky enough to really get along with your family- feel blessed! So much has changed over the years and family gatherings aren't what they could be.
I did very well with food. I had small samplings of food. I just didn't want to gorge. Food really had no power over me. My aunts tried to make me eat all their foods. The only real indulgence I had was green bean casserole. Its been a family tradition for... as long as I've been alive... maybe longer. ;) It brings back memories of when things were lighter and happier. And it tastes good, too. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty. It was a good day.
My body is definitely going through something. I woke up yesterday with a headache, swollen hands and a backache that has since radiated up to my neck. I'm staying the course with my food plan. I am taking a rest day today for my workouts. I'm in quite a bit of pain. Head to lower back... I don't know why... headache I get. The only thing I can think of is maybe the push ups? I really worked hard to push through the sets. Maybe I strained too much and pulled my back and neck?
I really just want to sleep with a heating pad all day. Instead I am off to work on this lovely Black Friday. I didn't have to open, so I close instead. Not looking forward to it really. But I should be thankful I have a job. I hope the day isn't too crazy. :) Hope my back is better by tomorrow. I need to get back to my workouts.

Thoughts, Sprints, Pushups Oh My!

2009-11-25T08:21:00.003-05:00

Sprints- yeah.... tubby butt here isn't a fan of the process- yet... but I know that sprints, step-ups and lunges are my best friends. Oh, I know... I need to embrace the exercises I like the least because they will build the body I want the most. I've tried to reason that other exercises will be just as effective. Here's great and pretty entertaining article as to why SPRINTS are the new best friend in my life.

Thoughts.... Just a quick recap of what I wrote on the diva board this morning:

"I am really over this weirdo plague feeling I have. lol Seriously. I am tired of being unwell. I want to say thanks to everyone who supports me and offers guidance. I really appreciate it!!! I used to be tough. I could fight through anything- sickness, turmoil... I used to have amazing resolve. Nothing was getting in my way. Now I find that my self esteem has taken such a big hit being a lard-butt and all. I guess I need to shift my thinking, eh? I am NOT my body. I am who I am regardless. I just want my exterior to reflect my interior -- which it does at the moment- stress = fatty me. So, I've reduced a big source of stress. Its time. I'm going to keep on trucking."

I am done with being unwell. Really. If I don't get myself back to my center I'm going to be in real trouble. I love my mom dearly, but I don't want to be her. I don't want high cholesterol, depression, obesity, heart trouble, gall bladder issues, etc. Diabetes is a real risk for me. Its in my family, I have PCOS and insulin resistance. Diabetes is just hanging around the corner, waiting to jump me in a dark alley. I don't have the time nor the will to deal with that. I DO NOT want it. This has been a long battle. I will overcome. I will succeed. Each day that I make the right choices is another day towards health and another day away from health crisis. I'm on the right road. I just need to deal with crisis my body is going through now. My hormones ARE a hot mess. I'm elminating as many external factors as I can- plastics, preservatives- the hidden ones, etc. I am going off BC again. My current pill isn't working correctly anyway... hopefully I can handle the ride. Its kind of like a drug addict going through crazy withdrawl. My body is gets all stupid... it is now anyway... I'm just praying we can fly straight sooner than later.

Week Four Day Two , 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 20
Set Two: 25
Set Three: 20
Set Four: 20
Max Set: 32!
Total: 117!

Its tough getting past 20 sometimes. Can't wait until I can get to 100 in a row! Wowy!

Triggers

2009-11-23T22:39:00.003-05:00

Today went really well for my plan. I ate on plan and more importantly, ON TIME! Meal timing has been a major hurdle for me. This job is so much better for that. After I got home this evening, I had my final meal. It was such a yummy salad. :) I ate my chicken on the 40 min car ride home. Its a funny thing I noticed that caused me to blog. I was watching the a new show called Find My Family. First, it made me bawl my eyes out. They were good tears I guess, but it was SO emotional. The next thing I know, I'm in the refrigerator looking for crap! I had some crazy sugar craving kick in. I JUST got done eating! I really was surprised by this. Apparently I was triggered. The emotional response that the show brought out then triggered the eating response. Wow. It was never quite so... hidden before. I know when I am angry I am prone to eat for comfort. Deep sadness usually means I don't want food at all. This mixture of emotions of sadness, relief and joy - apparently that's a sugar cue. I don't know. It was just so strange. I was having a real physical craving. I needed sugar. But I already ate... and the food I consumed was healthy and low glycemic. There shouldn't have been any reason. The only thing that makes sense was that I was being emotionally manipulated by that show... I'm glad this happened. I don't have anything in my house that I could have eaten, but now I am more aware of the hidden triggers...

Push Ups, Quest for containers & Passion

2009-11-23T07:31:00.005-05:00

Week Four, Day One 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 18
Set Two: 22
Set Three: 16
Set Four: 16
Max Set: 30
Total: 102!

Feeling really good about my progress with the push ups so far. Its getting more challenging for sure. It feels so good to keep pushing when I mentally want to give up too soon. I am really working on my mind with this. For so long I'd see the finish line of whatever challenge and give up right before I got there. Its always been mental. I'm not sure why I've always done that... hmmm... definitely something to think on.

So, I am on a quest for small glass containers. I'm trying to eliminate the plastics from my life. I need smaller containers for food though. I don't have enough room in my cooler for containers that are really too big for the food they are holding. I get that with some of the plastic ones as it is. I like the bigger Pyrex containers I have. I wonder if they have small ones... I have a ziploc container that is 9.5oz. That would be perfect....
Anyone know of any other companies that make glass containers? I'd like to go with a green company. I admit now, that I don't know if Pyrex is a green based company, so I have some research to do. I'll take some suggestions if anyone has any. :) I'll share my research once I have something.

I'm going to finish out the month strong. I am hiding the scale. I'm taking some "before" pictures tomorrow. I am re-committing and staying focused. There's no more time to waste on self-doubt. I can do this. I just have to stay focused. I've been so worried about being weak... when I should be focusing on how strong I am. This 100 Push Ups Program is actually really good for my mind. I started out struggling to get 10 completed. Now I can do 30 AFTER doing 4 other sets!

I really want to try P90X. I don't know if I want to do the whole series, but the core training and the cardio would be great. I may just try the first month rotation and see how I do. Then I can go from there. I need something to keep me focused but not bored. I know its intense but I think the challenge is what I need.

I love this quote:
PASSION : "There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart... Pursue those".

Transformations = Inspiration & Motivation

2009-11-22T09:34:00.002-05:00

So I was on BB.com looking for some motivation and lookie what I found...

Superstars we know....
Muscle & the City??

Marissa??

These other ladies are big sources of inspiration too. I have a lot of weight to drop, so bigger losses are super inspirational for me.

Tracy Fenske
Vanessa Bailey

And the most inspirational one for me:
Tiffany Forni

100 Push Ups ... 17 weeks out

2009-11-21T13:55:00.003-05:00

Week Three, Day Three 100 Push Ups Challenge (halfway there!)
Set One: 16
Set Two: 21
Set Three: 15
Set Four: 15
Max Set: 30!
Total: 97!!

So I am almost up to 100 push ups in a setting. Not all at once, but still...
My wrists aren't pleased with the strain when I get past 20, but they'll get stronger.

17 weeks out. I won't lie. I have HUGE doubts. My hormones are still not playing nice. In the beginning of this year I had issues with headaches and nose bleeds as a result from the hormonal wonkiness. Its back again. I've cut out as much artificial garbage as I can. I am eating mostly whole foods. Protein powder has been cut back, but I still use it about 1x a day. I am taking my vitamins, calcium, magnesium and vitamin D. Salt isn't being added to anything. Its a very frustrating process. Its this process of super hard work with lackluster results that causes my fall or jump off the wagon. I get so frustrated. There have been times where I think working out so hard caused me more trouble. :(
I have dreams. I want those dreams to be reality. I'm in a position now where I can be so much more compliant on a program. My old job made meal timing beyond difficult. That isn't the case anymore. I'm trying to do this on my own and I feel like its not happening. I wish I could afford a trainer to help really tweak and review things. Its not a simple process for me. Its not as easy as cutting out soda and walking. I don't drink soda. I workout hard. There is a definite issue with my body and doctor after doctor as failed me. I'm not just a lazy tub of lard! Its known I have PCOS... why can we not fix me! I am going to do my best to reduce anything that's not "natural". Chemicals have to go. I may have to dump my protein powder. Its just nice to have that instead of meat. I hate meat. *sigh* When I can afford it I am going to switch more to organic. I do a little now. I need to increase that.

I may not make my date, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep visualizing it.

Honest Scrap

2009-11-21T12:02:00.002-05:00

Okay, I was tagged by Marissa. :)
Its been such a crazy week... Finally had some time to give some decent answers.

10 things about me...

1- I have always wanted to be a dancer. I took ballet lessons for 6 weeks as a child and was beyond thrilled. Growing up in the 80's money shortage meant that was it for me. Too many other self-esteem issues over the years kept me from ever taking a class as an older child/adult. I love watching Fred & Ginger movies. I watch DWTS with awe and longing. One day I WILL learn to dance. For now, my two left feet will watch. Right now, I feel a bit like the dancing hippos from Fantasia.

2- I love Marilyn Monroe. I love reading about her life- her personality, her struggles, her victories... she was an amazing woman. She faced so many trials. Her life was filled with tragedy. She overcame many obstacles. Despite the way her life ended, she did have some victories.

3- I used to ride horses and miss it dearly. I was so in tune with my horse. I could sleep in his stall with him. I spent many hours in my barn and the barn of my grandparents'. I wouldn't say I was any horse whisperer, but I certainly had a connection with these beautiful and majestic creatures.

4- I'm a farm girl at heart. I grew up in a "regular house", but I spent many days and all summer at my grandparent's home. I baled hay, cleaned stalls, trained dogs, rode horses, raised cows, turkeys and rabbits for 4-H. I like the conveniences of city living, but the farm will always have my heart.

5- I love to learn. I always had my face in a book as a child (when I wasn't doing farm stuff. :P) I changed my major so many times in college because too much was interesting. I kept getting sidetracked by other classes. Meteorology, Psychology & Sociology (double major attempt), Sports Medicine and Art Therapy were all majors I had at some point. I never did complete my bachelor's degree. I have more than enough credits for two degrees. I am 4 classes shy from my psych degree. But unfortunately, I ran out of $$ before I could finish.

6- I love being a photographer. I have a good eye but need more technical skills. Finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to buy more equipment would be great too. Haha. I dream of traveling to Kenya and the Galapagos Islands to take some amazing nature photos. I'd love to produce my own photo book one day. Every year I do a calendar of nature pictures.
Recently I've started taking maternity, baby and comp photos. I am hoping to do more compeition photos and move up to some fitness modeling shoots, too.

7- I dream of doing a pin up calendar. I know that underneath this protective layer of fat is a gorgeous, curvy body. In high school I rocked the measurements- 36-24-36". I can do it again- this time with some more muscle! Baling hay was good for me, afterall. ;)

8- I love wine. Riesling is my standard favorite, but there aren't too many grape juices I haven't liked. :)

9- I can't swim. I can sorta doggy paddle. I cannot float. I had tubes in my ears 5x as a child. I got so many ear infections and it always seemed to be triggered by water- swimming or in the shower. I hate things in my ears to this day. I will go in the water at the beach and I can "swim" enough to enjoy myself, but in a pool or too far out in the ocean and I'm in trouble. I wish I was more interested in learning. I love the beach... and the ocean in Aruba was amazing...

10- I love to sing. A lot. Singing makes me happy. I used to perform songs for my stuffed animals. I got asked to stop singing so loudly in 2nd grade. We got to put on the headphones in the back of the classroom if we finished our work early. I popped in a Carebear's cassette and put the headphones on.... and without realizing it, I was singing and jamming along. lol SO Embarrasing!

I'm supposed to tag 7 peeps... Lots of peeps already got this, so I'll tag these 6 bloggers:

Figure Chick

Think Six

Just Do It!

I Don't Need Excuses

Ironlady

Muscle in the City

Updates -- 17.5 weeks out

2009-11-18T05:05:00.002-05:00

Week Three, Day Two 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 14
Set Two: 19
Set Three: 14
Set Four: 14
Max Set: 25
Total: 86 !

Today was tough at the start. I didn't have much of a warm up. I visualized doing push ups with something heavy on my back. I visualized being much stronger than I felt and it helped me crank out more than I thought I could do. Funny thing, that visualization thing... :)

So in other updates... being sick with no balance or energy is a sucky thing. I took yesterday off from everything. It should have been push ups day but I knew I'd be weak and I needed the sleep.
I got my appetite back yesterday and ate quite heartily. I was worried about the calories, but I was so hungry. I feel much better this morning. Still tired. I had a lot of strange dreams and moved around in my sleep a lot. I don't feel that exhaustion that being sick brings, just sleepy. For that, I am relieved.
I am way off track to make my goal competition in March. There is another competition 1 week later, but at this rate I don't think that one week will help. I'll have to play it by ear. I'm still going to push, but I am starting to think picking a show in the late Spring, early summer would be better. A slower, less stressful lean out would give me a more even loss... I really wanted to do this show, but if I'm not worthy of 12 weeks out in January, then I'm going to have to move the date. Hormones are playing especially mean right now, but I have to overcome. I have to see my goal through the haze. Its so hard to fight these crazy moods sometimes. Its absolutely amazing to see the impact they really have. No one wonder women seem nuts sometimes. :P

I'm easing back into working out. I don't want my body to flip out again and be sick. I'm SO over being sick. I think the infection on top of the hormonal migraines/mess just really sent me over the edge this weekend. If I could just have one issue to deal with at a time, that would be great. Thanks. I have to be better at controlling my asthma. This is going to be part of my focus for this prep. Honestly, how can my body do anything above and beyond exist if I don't allow the oxygen in? I always feel leaner after I wear my breathe right strips for a week. Sounds crazy, but there is good reason- oxygen is actually getting to where it needs to go. Funny how that works...

I'll have another blog coming up later. Much to do today though.

PS- I love comments. Even if its something like- "girl you are whack!" :) Comment so I can find you and follow. I promise to start being a better commenter myself.

Sick and a kick

2009-11-16T07:02:00.002-05:00

I'm having a bad time lately. My hormones are completely out of control. I'm off the hook. Emotional and the swings are bad. Out of no where... Bad, bad migraines... And now I'm sick to top it off. My head is plugged and I'm dizzy. My chest has an elephant on it. :( So yeah. I feel really down. I know that I have to take care of myself, but I also have to push forward when I can.

This is a re-post from Pauline.... A good kick in the pants...

"...

It’s amazing how some people seem to assume muscle mass will just happen. You go lift a little here and there and BAM you get all muscular. no way. NO way. It’s a slap in the face to all of us who’ve been working out for years for a few pounds of lean mass addition. And then have the gut to complain about a lack of progress? Come on, what is this? Especially when this notion comes from very, very intelligent, insightful individuals. That just proves the point: physical excellence truly is a skill and a skill which needs patience and true dedication to go in bloom.

I’m fed up with those who want results in two weeks or less. I’m fed up with those who think a year of training is A LOT to do for reaching a new physique, I’m fed up with those who complain about being fat and don’t move the fat around via exercise, I’m fed up with those who don’t accept exercise as a natural part of life, I’ve had it with those who say drugs make good bodies, not work ethic and dedication.

People LOVE to blame bad genetics, bad situations, no time, nothing this nothing that. Guess what, we ALL have the same hours per day. If I remember correctly, it’s 24 and yes in Sweden as well as in Sudan and America. How you handle them is another story.

I’m fed up with those who blame husbands or wives or kids or dogs or house mortgage or work on not being able to commit. Unless you are one of the many very unfortunate ones who cannot afford somewhat healthy food, it’s no excuse to say “I don’t have time to eat healthy”. Well, how the heck do you find time to EAT at ALL if you now have no time? How come there is always time and a place for bad snacking? Suddenly there really WAS some time, wasn’t there! Hm……"

(Complete Post Here)

This can't last forever. I'll get well eventually. In the meantime- healthy food til I can move without dizziness.

Making changes

2009-11-15T11:47:00.003-05:00

Week 3, Day One 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 12
Set Two: 17
Set Three: 13
Set Four: 13
Max Set: 18
Total: 73

Today was rough for push ups. I'm fighting off some kind of infection. My head is super congested and its hard to breathe- my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. Probably wasn't the wisest idea to do push ups, but I didn't want to lose ground on my program. I'm completely exhausted right now. I could sleep the rest of the day.

No rest for the wicked, I guess. I have to go to my cousin's house for a family photo for our grandparents. I'm not looking forward to it. Its awkward. I don't really speak to this side of my family for many reasons. I don't want to be interrogated. If they don't go that route, they'll just ignore me like they always used to. It was so passive-aggressive growing up. I guess this is one way to reflect on why I behave the way I do. I was so miserable as a kid when it came to this side of the family. I feel vulnerable and anxious and very much like a child going into this today. Weird. I guess I'd better figure out how to be my own person, once and for all. My worth does not depend on anyone else. NO ONE. I listened to all the hate-filled crap for all those years. It did a number on me, but its time to grow up, girlie. I guess that's what the last 10 years have been about.
2010 is going to be my year. I will be who I want to be. I will learn what I want to learn and do what I want to do. I will learn to be myself and love myself. This has been a long time coming and I deserve better. Being healthy and making it to the stage are just a piece of this journey. The health and fitness side of this impacts so much of the rest of my life. All the things I have sidelined in my life were due to my lack of physical ability. I am going to do amazing things this year. :) 2010 has already begun for me.

Tracy- next year You and I will be on the stage at KY Muscle. :)

Congrats to all the competitors this weekend!

Weekend Competitors Pix

2009-11-14T11:40:00.003-05:00

So this is just a quick way for me to get pics gathered...

April!! Hottie in a Blue Bikini- lookin' stunning!!

On E

2009-11-13T07:35:00.002-05:00

My body's gas tank, that is. I've eaten well this week. I've been good on timing. I had a slip up Monday. I was cranky about the scale still and I hadn't had Chipotle in a long while so I splurged. I got my delivery of good vitamins and I did well energy-wise at work. I've been waking up feeling the need for more sleep. I'm wiped out this morning. I'm ready to go back to bed all day. I must get some cardio in, but I am fighting the I don't care attitude. I want sleep. My head is congested so badly. I'm sure that's making me tired too. I got enough sleep. I could just keep sleeping. I have never been a coffee drinker, but I am starting to think that if I want to make it to my comp date, I might have to try it. :P

K. I can do this....

And just because it is stuck in my head... :)

Push ups, Positive Attitude & Breasts

2009-11-12T08:28:00.003-05:00

Week Two, Day Three 100 Push Ups Challenge
Set One: 12
Set Two: 13
Set Three: 10
Set Four: 10
Max Set: 25
Total: 70!!

It was SO much harder to do push ups this morning. Not sure what it is. My asthma has been kicking up and I'm pretty tired today. I'd love to go back to bed for a few hours. My doesn't know or seem to like this weird state. I think the bloating is mostly gone. I feel less chunky. I'm not getting on the scale though. It is evil.

I love this line:
"Your life will always respond to your outlook, so set your goals high."

I'm struggling with a few things again. It seems like when something is up, other things come down. :( Furnace is broke. Old job screwed up my paychecks pretty bad. Now money is super tight. Using the money to fix the furnace is not my idea of happy. I was supposed to go to the KY Muscle. I am going to try and swing it, but now its really got me stressed. I'm trying to focus on the positives and that I am now in a position to make some serious money if I work it right. It won't start til next month, but still... There are possibilities. :)

Just a little rant to share. I've asked my former OB/GYN to remove me from her damn list multiple times. She isn't listening. I may just send her the following...

Dear OB/GYN -> Your letter and flyer for lipo was not appreciated. I don't care if you want to remind me over and over about that service. I paid you to look at my girl parts and that is all. I know my ass is fat. It seems your fat sucking business is more important than taking care of my inside issues-- as was evident the last time I saw you- 2 YEARS AGO!! I felt like I was in for a Jiffy Lube 10 minute oil change. You left me feeling violated and bleeding. You scoffed at my concern over lumps in my breasts!! Do you think I trust you now?? Do you think I'd dare pay you to do something more invasive and risky? Ha! If you want to be a plastic surgeon, just go and do that. Don't pretend to care about my ovaries AND external beauty when all you really care about is the money.

Sorry that was so graphic. It was a terrible experience that left me feeling horrible and vulnerable. She scraped me so hard and fast that I bled-- which has never happened before. She was rough and in not interested in that part of the gig. She acted like I was stupid when I asked about my breasts having some lumps. I didn't know what the hell was going on but I was scared and asked. She freaking laughed at me. She said (and I quote) "If it was breast cancer, you'd know". Ummmm.... okay, sure. Because I know what *THAT* feels like??? Stupid b@!ch then proceeded to pitch her fat and hair removal services. I have PCOS and yeah those might interest me, but how about addressing my medical needs first!?!? So yeah. Needless to say, I switched doctors ASAP. What a piece of work she was. Just so other women out there know- the lumps in breast tissue are common in about 30% of women. Its a condition called Fibrocystic Breast Disease. Caffeine is something that can inflame the condition amongst many other things. I hadn't always had these lumps and they aren't always noticable when I do my monthly exam. So raising concern was the right thing to do. I just want to put that information out there. It is important to know.

So yeah, wow. All sorts of things in this entry. :) Hope that it was informative.
Time to go make some breakfast. :)

Push Ups and Protein Powder!

2009-11-10T06:42:00.003-05:00

Week Two, Day Two 100 Push Ups Challenge

Set One: 10
Set Two: 12
Set Three: 9
Set Four: 9
Max Set: 21
Total: 61

Rough morning. I had so many crazy dreams last night and this morning. The last few hours before my alarm went off I was dreaming of being attacked and kept waking up. It was so strange. I was scared, but not absolutely petrified where I was frozen in place. I was trying to protect someone else (who I thought also had my welfare in mind). We kept getting cornered in a bathroom stall and I was trying to keep the attacker(s) out. Interpret that one! There was a ton going on and the rest is less clear now. Sometimes there was a baby to protect. The other person was always a woman. There were also times when older ladies would try to drop off babies and food at my door. Huh? Yeah. Crazy.
So the morning was not very restful. I am so congested and my asthma is ramped up. Maybe the nicer weather kicked up some allergies for me? It is a great morning for a workout. Ha! The quality is lacking a bit, but I'm still doing my best.

I got my delivery from Vitaglo yesterday!! I got my Beverly UMP. (yummmm) I was running low and worried I wouldn't have enough. *whew* I got my Alive vitamins, 4-3-2-1 Detox vials, and Super Cissus Rx. I am hoping the Super Cissus will help with my elbows and joints/tendons over all. The Alive! Vitamins are my favorite. It sounds crazy, but I think they work the best and I don't get hearburn from them.
Not in my Vitaglo order, but I also got some Eggnogg'n tea. I am going to try making it and using it cold mixed with my protein powder. Perhaps that will be a decent substitution to my eggnog? I am avoiding SF anything for awhile. It makes my tummy very angry and I think its the cause of my bloating and weight gain. My diet was clean but I had SF syrup with my protein pancakes 2x and I also drank some diet coke to stay awake during training. I think those two things caused me issues. I know the fake sugar is in lots of products (like my protein powder) but I am reducing as much as possible. I'll do a review of the tea and detox things later. :)

Rest You Say?

2009-11-09T08:30:00.002-05:00

So today is a self-imposed rest day. I am wickedly tired. Another fun side effect of woman issues. My head has a dull, nagging pain. I had some bad headaches yesterday. I slept a lot and I am still tired today. Boo! I don't like this. I am going to have to work through this today at work. I'll probably just go straight to bed when I get home. I go in late tomorrow so that will be good. :)

I am really hoping this week my body gets it together. I need some small victories.

Updates, 19 weeks out

2009-11-08T08:01:00.005-05:00

Week Two, Day One of the 100 Push Ups Challenge!
Set One: 9
Set Two: 11
Set Three: 8
Set Four: 8
Max Set: 20- OMG!
Total: 56

I went after the max set determined to push hard and not wimp out. I haven't done that many push ups in a row in.... yeah, a long time. :)

The scale and I are at war. I find it to be an a-hole right now. :P But my clothes and measurements are apparently on the scale's side too. This is terribly disappointing considering how hard I worked. My weight went UP and measurements stayed the same. I was 100% in the eating department and workouts. What gives?
Brief history- me & woman time have not gotten along for about 10 years. I always had crazy PMS before any medical intervention. I was borderline not stable. M-O-O-D-Y is barely applicable. So about 10 years ago I discovered birth control when I began getting horrible migraines. A lot of things contributed to the hormonal meltdown- I was way overextended. I was working 60 hours a week, going to school full time and had other outside activities as well. I would sleep every couple of days. I worked 3rd shift so really- I would be so wired up sometimes when I got home in the morning I couldn't sleep. So anyway, without HBC my hormones are completely whacked. I need to get down to a healthy weight before I can considered coming off them again. The way things are supposed to work is that I basically don't have periods. Having them means migraines, crazy PMS and the typical bloating, 5lbs of weight gain, etc. I should have suspected something was up. I thought it was just low carbs, but I was a major B this last week. I started getting a headache Friday and the last two days I have slept a ton and I have a headache fighting its way to take over. NOT cool. I'm hoping this passes soon, but now I'm concerned that the BC isn't working as birth control either! I have PCOS so its not likely I'd get preggers, but still... I'm not willing to risk that! Oh, and I won't get bennies for my new job until January so no fixing the non-working pill til then. *sigh* So I know what happened this week. Really. The increase was minimal and would definitely cover up any loss. 5lbs gain is nothing for PMS for me. I'm a water hog. Is that just a genetic make up thing?

Anyway, I'm 19 weeks out as of yesterday and I'm worried I won't make it. I'm adjusting the cardio intensity and doing full body stuff this week. I need to get my muscles burning up the fat. I thought things were good this week. I was starving for meals when it was time. Meal timing was great and I calories were on. I'm blaming woman crap and moving on. If next week is a bust I might cry and then try something different. :P

Progress

2009-11-05T05:03:00.003-05:00

Day Three of the 100 Push Ups Challenge !
Set One- 8
Set Two- 10
Set Three- 7
Set Four- 7
Max Set- 14
Total- 46

I've been 100% for 4 straight days. Starting the 5th out right. :) I've been tempted so many times at the end of the day to just eat something I'm not supposed to. I've managed to keep myself on the right path. I know what sugar is and does to me. Today is a carb up day, so YAY! Its been a challenge for sure, but each day gets easier. No skipped workouts. I'm drinking tons of water. I have a body builder guy in my training class. I think we are both doing better having the support system in each other. We can drink gallons of water and its okay. We make lots of trips to the restroom. :P Its nice to have someone else understand what I'm doing and why. Most people just think you're nuts drinking that much water and not eating out of the vending machine. :) Maybe I am, but I feel good.

As far as the scale goes, progress was going well and then today I showed a gain. Grrr. I don't get it. I'm on plan, so... I'm going to keep pushing. If a few more days go by and I don't see a decent drop I might start freaking out. I don't have a lot of time to play these games! With my weight being so high, I should see steady decreases for awhile... One day at a time. I'm doing the right thing.

Off to go work shoulders!

Day 2 Push Up Challenge & Carb Cycling

2009-11-03T06:09:00.003-05:00

Day 2 Push Up Challenge
Set 1- 6
Set 2- 8
Set 3- 6
Set 4- 6
Set 5- 12
Total: 38

I am starting to adjust to the ebb and flow of carb cycling. My body responds well. I just get moody at night. I start feeling sad and weird. When I get like that, my immediate thought is- I need carbs! Duh. No I don't. That means my meal plan is working right. :) I actually feel great most of the day on lower carbs. I don't feel as fluffy or as tired. Its the next morning that I feel like crap. This morning cardio was so hard. I was starving when I woke up and pushing through was a little hazy. I'm refueling with some yummy oats and protein powder. The rest of the day will taper the carbs out. This works well for me.

I'm running behind schedule this morning. Too little sleep = no good! Must get ready for work.

Turkey Loaf!

2009-11-01T20:12:00.004-05:00

This is pretty much Tosca Reno's recipe. I altered it slightly, but I definitely didn't create it. Great way to get the protein in with convenience. It does take some prep time. The original recipe stated 20 minutes. More like 40 minutes. It won't take me as long next time, but its more than 20 minutes the first time.

Prep Time: 20-40 minutes; Cook Time: 1.5 hrs; Serves: 10

Ingredients:
2 TBSP EVOO
1 Yellow or Purple Onion- finely diced (food processor works wonders)
1/2 cup finely shredded carrots (I threw baby carrots in the food processor)
3/4 cup celery- finely chopped (do I need to mention the food processor?)
1 clove minced garlic
Dash of Salt; fresh ground pepper

6 Cups baby spinach, washed
1/2 cup fresh basil
1/4 cup minced cilantro
1 tsp water

1 egg (including yolk)
2 egg whites
2 TBSP tomato paste w/ 2 TBSP water mixed together
1 C veg or chicken broth
2 1/2 lbs 99% fat free ground turkey
3/4 cup oat bran or ground up oatmeal
1/4 cup ground flax seed

1. Preheat oven to 375*. Be sure to use the center rack.
Heat olive oil in a non-stick pan and cook onions, celery, carrots and minced garlic until onions are translucent but not brown. Season with salt and pepper then move to a small bowl for cooling.

2. Add washed baby spinach to pan and add 1 tsp of water. Cook until spinach is wilted. Remove from heat and let cool. Once cool, add basil and cilantro and mix well.

3. In a large (really large) bowl, mix egg, egg whites, tomato paste mixture, and broth. Add ground oats, ground flax, ground turkey along with cooked celery/onion/carrot mixture. Spray clean hands with cooking spray and mix ingredients together well.

4. Spray a 10" loaf pan with cooking spray and add half of mixture with hands. Spread wilted greens mixture evenly on top of turkey mixture. Add remaining ground turkey mixture on top of greens. Smooth top evenly with hands. This will be just over the top of the pan.

5. Bake loaf for 1.5 hrs or until a meat thermometer shows 160*F/71*C. Remove from oven and let cool 15 minutes to set. Once cool, remove loaf from pan and cut into one-inch thick slices.
Serve or refrigerate for future meals.

Nutrition Info:

Cals: 222
Protein: 33g
Carbs: 11g
Fat: 5g
Fiber: 3g

Turkey Loaf before cooking

November 1st- New Day, New Week, New Month

2009-11-01T08:59:00.003-05:00

Day One of 100 Push Ups Challenge !
Following the prescribed sets + last set max
Set One- 6
Set Two- 6
Set Three-5
Set Four- 5
Set Five- max at 12
Total of 34 push ups.

I feel good about that. We'll see how the program progresses. I may be saying something different later. Haha! I may be switching to a knuckle style. My wrists are not happy, but they will get stronger. I'll play it by ear.

Last night was great. It was so much fun and I got to hang out with my co-workers (former?) one last time. I'm sure we'll get together now and then, but for a goodbye party it was nice. :) I cannot even begin to imagine the calories in the margaritas. Oy! They tasted fabulous. They were worth whatever calories were in them. (I can say that now. A few weeks closer to comp- not so much!) I did limit my total daily cals earlier in the day, so hopefully the damage wasn't too bad. Extra cardio all week should get me back on track. This will certainly not be a habit, but I have no regrets about my choices last night. I was completely relaxed and had so much fun. That doesn't happen with me too often. I laughed so much my abs are sore today. It was perfect. :)

I bought some candy at the last minute to pass out. I love Halloween and felt kinda scrooge-like for not buying any. I did pass some out, but not enough! Now I have to find some place to offload this ridiculous amount of sugar. Next year I will plan more and come up with something healthier. This year we were the "cool house" because we had Fun Dip. :) And awesome jack o' lanterns. :)

I'm on track this morning. No sugar for me. I had my fill with the Mexican last night. :) So tasty and I'm mentally full. I'm ready for oats, eggwhites, protein shakes, grapefruits, broccoli, asparagus, chicken, chicken, turkey.... I am making a Turkey Meatloaf this afternoon. I will share the recipe and macros along with a photo. Its based off of Tosca Reno's Clean Eating recipe with a few small modifications. I thought this would give me lots of quick and easy meals to take to training this week.

I have so much to say today! Sorry this is all over the place!

I posted this over on the Diva board... some quotes and thoughts.

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction."
--George Lorimer

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
--Wayne Dyer

"You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered."
--Wayne Dyer

“Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.”
--Peter McWilliams

You must have a vision. Each day's actions should reflect your goals and dreams. Are you determined? Determined to reach the goals you set? Are you dissatisfied- wishing you would have done more?
Can you motivate yourself? You can keep pushing, even when you don't feel like it? Can your mind and will power come together and overcome the tiredness that your body is whining about? Each day you make that choice. Each moment. Each piece of food. Its all a choice.
Are you focused on your goals? Can you see clearly in your mind where you want to be? Can you feel it? The mind is SO powerful. Don't focus on tripping in your heels or not making it to the stage the way you want. You MUST see yourself in your suit, in the spotlight, smiling and having fun! You must see yourself as you want to be seen. Whatever your specific goals are, focus your vision on that. Don't get sidetracked by all the negatives, they are of no use in this.

So yeah... :) Today the fire is lit and burning bright! We train the physical so hard that sometimes we neglect the mental stuff. Mentally we grow as we train and overcome obstacles. Sometimes some mental release (de-stressing and lots of laughter) is important. Also keeping a focus and doing vision work are important too. Seeing is believing, isn't it? *smile*

20 Weeks Out

2009-10-31T10:28:00.002-04:00

Time is flying! I am not making much progress. :( I've really got to step it up. I'm not getting enough water. Increasing that should help. I need to stop having any carbs aside from veggies after my 3rd meal (lunch). I think those two adjustments will help as well as kicking up the cardio. I am not feeling as confident about doing this on my own. I can't pay anyone for a few months. I can hopefully afford someone guidance in January. The last 12 weeks will be crucial.

I think I am going to bypass the eggnog this year. Even one glass is not okay. I love the stuff. I may attempt a protein shake that mimics it for Christmas morning, but the real deal must be avoided. Don't tell me to do a light version- anything out of a carton makes me crave more. *sigh*

I'm really disappointed in myself. I should have been down at least 4lbs. I'm making mistakes and free meals just aren't going to happen. Tonight is it. My coworkers are having a party for me. I'll be as sensible as I can. Sunday is a new week. I start my 100 push ups challenge. I am going to be free meal-less until Thanksgiving. Even then, it won't be a free for all. Just a few tastes of my mom's dishes.

I need to get my head back in the zone. Too much celebrating the job change. Its time to get driven, determined, focused and vigilant. The goals I am after require more than what I've been giving.

100 push ups and stuff...

2009-10-30T09:19:00.003-04:00

I decided that I need to seriously increase my upper body strength. I stink at push ups. I am not a huge fan of them- because they are weakness, so its a never ending cycle. I am doing the 100 push up challenge starting Sunday. I am planning to do this twice. The first 6 week cycle is for the modified version. Yes, I am weak. Its okay though. Everyone starts somewhere. I am starting at the "girl style". I'm excited. I've never been able to do many push ups. Doing 100 girl push ups will give me a huge gain in strength so that I can do the next stage and work my way to 100 full push ups. :)

100 Push Ups!

I am now officially done with the evil job. :D Hooray! I start the new job on Monday. I should be able to stay on a good meal schedule now. :) I won't be in a stressful panic all day long either. I plan to work hard and stay busy, but its not going to be "OMG- the sky is falling" mode. Next week is in the training room. Should be easy going. I am excited because meal timing will be so easy.

This weekend is a tough challenge in the diet department. Its my anniversary and my going away party. *sigh* I will stay on plan as much as possible and there are double cardio sessions in my future. I can't make it equal, but I can try to do some damage control.

Off to accomplish much.... its a GOOD day!

One step closer

2009-10-28T19:40:00.002-04:00

So wow... every day that passes is one day closer to competition day. I know that day won't be here for some time, but I get butterflies thinking about it. I've been staring at bikinis all afternoon. I'm going cross-eyed. :P I have time before I need to worry about that, but I'm trying to get my vision together. I really believe "seeing" my goal and dream repeatedly will keep me on course and make it real. I think I am going with a turquoise color. I seem to get the most compliments when I wear turquoise or blue. I think I feel and look ... brighter?
I'm so pumped! I met up with a friend from a comp site and facebook. It was a good chat and I am so ready to get bikini ready. I hate lunges. Really. Hate. But, they are my magic weapon. Those and step ups. I must, must, must do them until I can do them no more. I have a great body underneath the protective layer. I'm working hard on the emotional side of things during this process as well. I don't need the fat layer to protect me any more. That's really why I have so much fat. Food was a refuge and fat is a protector. No more! Hills has got skillz! :D I am a strong and confident woman with a great body. I am so thankful that I have the potential I do. I WILL manifest my HAWT body and get a trophy while I'm at it!!

I WANT THIS BOOTY!! Lunges here I come....

Taking a look at myself

2009-10-25T07:02:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a stressful day. I think I was more worked up than I needed to be. My situation was definitely frustrating, but I think I went over the top. I have some serious anger issues. I'm not sure what to do. Anger is what fuels my eating usually. Sure physical cravings come into play, but really when I am ready to (or actually do) binge, its anger in the driver's seat. I relinquish all control. How do I spin out of control so easily? And how do I stop it?? I need to go back to doing yoga regularly. I am always more at peace when I have that time. Is it really just me lashing out against the world? I know that I have felt SO burdened and tired that last 4 years. I have a lot of resentment. I haven't dealt with some things and they are crammed down deep inside to be ignored as long as possible. To deal with some of these things means I can't continue with my daily life without some major interruption. The emotional impact means my professional life will be wrecked for awhile, while I recover. As a general rule, the 2 companies I've been with during the traumatic times were far from understanding. Neither would have given me any time to heal up and cope. In the end, it falls on me. I was too proud to admit I really and truly needed it. I thought I could mentally work through things instead of going through a complete healing process- which includes the breakdown, tears and emotional repair. I just mentally processed the facts and it was done-- or so I thought. Yeah. Not so much.

So the healing begins... In order to get a true handle on my eating, I need to heal the angry girl inside. She feels something was stolen from her (rightfully so) and she's never had a chance to heal. She moved forward, but always had the sadness, rage, fear and suspicion boiling inside. Each attempt at a dream seemed to end in failure-- only adding to the anger and sadness.

Its time to be fair, honest and gentle with myself. I have a strong will. I can use will power to take me so far, but in the end, if I don't deal with what pushes me past the point of control, I will never make my goals. I'm not a failure for not reaching my goals last year. I've never been a failure.
Little hurting girl inside, its okay. Its not your fault you are hurting. Its time to heal. Its time to let go and be free again. Its time to let your inner sun shine bright again. Its okay. Its safe.

21 Weeks Out

2009-10-24T08:18:00.002-04:00

Today marks 21 weeks out. This week was... interesting. It started out rough. I gained an additional 3lbs and ended up the week - 1lb. ??? Maybe my muscles were holding water? It was stressful for my mind to see the increases. I felt fatter and that's why I weighed in so much. Today I feel thinner and less puffy. The water definitely dropped. Maybe it was the magic pumpkin soup I made yesterday? :P I'll post pics and the recipe later. It was tasty and definitely higher in carbs, but tons of healthy fiber. :)

I feel better prepared for this next week. I have a feel for how my body reacted this week. I'm going to do better at the carb ratios and definitely stick with more whole foods when possible. Protein powder has its place for sure, but I need to strive for real foods not from any kind of container. :)

So far so good. Cranking up the intensity this week.

cravings

2009-10-23T22:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Body,
Please stop it!!
Thanks.

I'm so done with these cravings. >:(

Rough night. I'll be okay in the morning.

Breakfast Omelet

2009-10-23T11:35:00.004-04:00

1 egg
4 egg whites
1/2 handful chopped spinach
2 small mushrooms
3-4 TBSP chopped red peppers
3-4 TBSP chopped yellow peppers

250 Calories (will vary slightly depending on the veggies)
35g Protein
7g Carbohydrate

This was SO filling. I couldn't even eat it all...

veggies!

In process

Finished Product!

Sometimes this makes all the difference for me

2009-10-23T09:02:00.002-04:00

I often go back to this video for a number of reasons. First, the song moves me. I often have it in my cardio playlist where I do a lot of vision work. I can close my eyes and really see things happening. Second, the pug skydiving is just too cute. This guy does a lot of stuff including surfing with his pug. The dog is totally acclimated to doing new stuff and enjoys it. I've always wanted to try sky diving and well... this sealed the deal. I WILL go skydiving in 2010. I get all choked up every time I watch this. :P

Here are the lyrics to the Speed of Sound by Coldplay...

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

Change in Plans

2009-10-22T19:52:00.002-04:00

So I am now making a serious effort to consume whole foods as much as possible. I really think that will help me drop. I hate eating meat, but I've got to cut back on the protein powder, too. I see lots of eggwhites in my future. I'm sure using the protein powder and eliminating all other dairy will help. Dairy will keep me bloated. Maybe I should look for other protein sources in powder. I love my Beverly International UMP so much. Maybe I'll try Hemp Protein. Anyone try this?

Goal tomorrow is to make all my meals whole foods.

Day 5

2009-10-21T19:35:00.002-04:00

So today was Day 5. How have I done so far? Eh... not as good as I hoped. I'm frustrated. I am eating much cleaner than before and the weight is going up, not down. I'm sure the super long days, screwy meal timing and stress are making my hormone levels wacko. I'm retaining water like no other. I am hoping rest and the next few days off of work will help push a drop. I am fighting off another infection. Sinus and chest congestion. I am hoping that I can heal up and stop my hormonal mess.

I redid my blog layout. I'm going to be changing my flower picture soon, but I'm still working on collage. I felt like a new challenge needed a new look. :)

I'll have more later...

22 Weeks Out & some reflection

2009-10-17T06:55:00.003-04:00

This is gonna be a quick one. I am already running late, but the thoughts are here and I need to write them down. My relationship with food has been a deviant one. A perverse one. A dysfunctional one. Just as people often look on drug addicts, alcoholics, battered women or even women who "just won't leave that a-hole", I am sure my relationship with food would be looked at the same way. Food has gently caressed me and told me everything will be okay. Its comforted me, its eased my rage. While it did all its comforting it was wreaking havoc all over my body. Just as any other addict turns to his or her piece of comfort, I chose food. Sure, food hasn't caused me to have black eyes, broken ribs, job loss, family malfunctions, etc. It isn't quite the obvious affliction that many other addictions are, but that makes it more dangerous. Its not as scary or seemingly as harmful as being addicted to heroin. Its just food... Right. I may not be strung out, hooking for my next fix, but I did sell my body. I gave it up when I said yes to sugar, salt, chemical laden crap-out-of-a-box. The years of abuse and addiction I gave myself has long term ramifications. I have to start seeing food as fuel and not as comfort. Its not an easy thing to do. When for so long my best friend has been something that comforted me through so much stress and rage. Its not an easy transition. That's why I fail time and time again. I learn something each time, so its not all lost... but its time wasted mostly.

I am 22 weeks out from the NPC Natural Ohio. For many, that's plenty of time. For me, the clock is ticking. I have a solid game plan. I do have some free meals or morsels allotted. I'm not naive to my prep being around the holidays. No hog-wild feeding frenzies. Just little bites. I love my mom's green bean casserole. So, a little bit isn't going to break the whole thing. I just don't have to have ridiculous portion sizes. Christmas will allow my traditional eggnog, but perhaps a healthier protein version will be concocted. After New Year's is 12 weeks out. I will evaluate what I can do for my birthday at this time. My birthday might just be a glass a wine with chicken and veggies. :P This is a process and I am hopeful this time. More hopeful than I have been. I am not relying on some trainer to just tell me what to do. (not that I am knocking that). I am just finally understanding how the pieces fit together. Things are clicking and I am proud to be doing this myself. I may hire someone a few weeks out to help me tweak if needed, but for now, I know what needs to be done. I WILL be hitting that stage in March!!

DAY ONE of 154 days (22 weeks) has begun!

Big Changes in Progress

2009-10-15T18:15:00.002-04:00

So...
Job change on the front. Its going to allow me to actually eat on a schedule. I'm stoked about that. Eating on schedule means I won't freak out for carbs so bad.

I am now using a Tracking Program called The Carrot . It lets me track weight, measurements, mood, energy levels, exercise, food intake and more. It will give reports for each as well as put them together. It will be nice to have this program on my phone too. I highly recommend it.

There is a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders with the changes that are happening. Now I just need to push it and get the fat burning off too.

Quick Update & NEW Fitness & Nutrition Log!!

2009-09-24T10:56:00.004-04:00

I have been having a great week. I am so pleased. My workouts have been great and my eating MUCH cleaner. I hope to be back in the gym next week. It gives me more variety. My schedule has just been whacked this week. 12 hour work days are getting tiring. I love having 3 days off instead of two, but it seems like one day is half wasted because I sleep so much. By November I'll be in a new store. MUCH better boss... MUCH longer drive, but it will be worth it to reduce the stress. The drive time will give me a chance to listen to books or motivational speakers, etc. It will be some good self-improvement time.

Its about 7 weeks from KY Muscle. OMG. I'm so excited. I have to make some huge improvements. I don't want to be the fat girl I was last year. I am hoping to say hi to Julie again and I'll be taking pictures of our Diva Girls! Can't wait! I need to book a room soon....

Oh!! I have to do a quick plug for this: Fitbody Training & Nutrition Log . Its awesome. I just ordered mine today. I don't have a trainer right now and this is a perfect way to log everything in ONE place! :D

There are more pages, but I just wanted to share a couple quick pictures from Julie's FB. Awesome!!! I can't wait til mine arrives!!!

Failure?

2009-09-07T07:05:00.002-04:00

Nah...

"Realize that there is no such thing as failure. Keep this in mind and you will achieve
all that you conceive in your mind. You never fail, you simply produce results.”
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

I love this. Its so much better than getting into a negative mindset. I am really working hard on mindset right now. I promise I'll do a real blog soon. I'm really pleased with where I am. I have much to accomplish, but everything is in the NOW. Positive thoughts playing in my subconscious are so much healthier than the negative. Whatever action I choose, produces a result. It may be in line with what I desire or believe, it may not. Its up to me to take the action that makes sense. ;)

Motivation....

2009-09-03T05:32:00.002-04:00

Its been awhile. :)
Haven't been posting anywhere really, just facebook updates and that's about it. A lot going on in my world... anyway... Sundie posted this on the Diva Board and I thought it was SO good.

"

Every person has a dream, which he or she wishes to fulfill at some point of time in his or her life. It could be about anything – to build a booming business, become a successful model, go on a world tour, serving the less privileged ones or simply getting married to someone you love.

However, dreams don’t come true unless you are motivated enough to work towards your goals and strive persistently until they are accomplished. As the road to success gets tougher, most people lose heart and soon give up on their dreams.

The initial enthusiasm and determination withers away and it becomes extremely challenging to re-motivate yourself again to pursue your dreams with renewed vigor.

If you are one of those who follow their dreams for a while and suddenly lose interest if it takes a bit too long to attain them, then you can use the following tips to stay motivated:

* You need to develop a positive frame of mind and create a vivid vision about the dream. This vision must also portray you as an achiever who has finally got what he always wanted. You must also weigh your strengths and weaknesses carefully so that you can build an effective strategy to achieve your goals. You must also decide how badly you want to attain your goals because without commitment none of the strategies will work.

* Next step is to identify all those things that inspire you and the ones that de-motivate. You may find success stories of other people highly motivating or may have a role model who inspires you.

* Ask yourself if you have the passion, which is a vital ingredient of success. In the absence of passion, it will be difficult to achieve even smaller goals. Career consultants regard passion as the biggest motivator and if believe that if you have passion, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

* You need to find out the reason “why”. Why do you have the dream in the first place? You want to find out the motivation that keeps your dreams alive. When the journey gets tiring, it’ll keep you going on. This process also allows you to have a greater self-awareness of yourself. What do you really want in life? And why do you want it.

* Now that you have found a way to stay motivated, you need to have a back-up plan just in case things don’t go your way. It happens to everybody at some point of time – you believe that by doing ‘A’, you will get ‘B’, however by the end of the day you realize that the outcome was just not what you had expected. This can he highly de-motivating, however, having a good strategy for a ‘rough day’ can boost your confidence in trying times. You may also seek peace of mind and tranquility through yoga or meditation. It will not only have a soothing effect on your mind, but also give you an entirely different perspective to look at problems and failures.

* Another important aspect you must take into account is the environment you are in. Environment includes the surroundings as well as the people around you. It should be positive and energizing or else it will have a negative psychological effect on you. Choose to be with people who support you and motivate you to move on.

So, declutter your mind to eliminate emotional drains and free up energy. It will lift your spirits and also help you to set your priorities right. Don’t lose sight of your goals, reminisce your visions and invent your own path to success! "

This was written by George Tee.

Some relief...

2009-07-30T23:31:00.003-04:00

Things are at least a little better in the work arena right now. I had a conference call with the District Manager, the Assistant DM, and our Human Resource manager. They were supportive. I was assured many times today that things would be taken care of. We'll see what happens. For now, I know I have support. The assistant DM came in to coach me and crunch numbers today. He really helped me out and the fact that someone cares about what is happening takes a huge load off. I need to do well tomorrow, but I think I have a shot at making it for the month. Its going to be close, but I think I can do it.

Now for the fitness aspect of this blog... I've been a bum. My workouts have been sporadic. Eating has been decent. Not competition clean, but my overall habits are good. I need to tighten in the reigns and back into a workout schedule. I guess since I no longer have my trainer I am wandering around lost. My workouts are a bit stale. I was thinking of doing something like P90X or something, but I'm not sure if I have enough room... I love circuit training so I may do that and add my yoga and kickboxing back in. I have a little over 3 months to get my butt ready if I want consider bikini at the KY Muscle. I'm going to get back into the groove and focus hard. The KY Muscle is a more realistic show for me at this point. At the worst, I can get myself closer to the right condition for the Spring shows and I'll just take pictures at KY... hmmm.... We'll see what the next few months bring. I'm saving the cash that I can and picking up extra photos gigs for now. :) I'll be taking more photos on Saturday. Its time to get down and dirty! ;)

Thanks for all the support friends. It means a ton!

Paralyzed...

2009-07-29T09:02:00.003-04:00

I didn't know where else to write this, but I have to get it out. I am anxious as anything right now. I feel sick and vulnerable. I had the most horrible dream this morning. I know it was directly related to my work situation. I just really felt horrible. A man did something horrible and I witnessed someone die. (it turns out it was this man's brother). This crazy SOB kept chasing me around asking me what his brother's death was like- almost like he was accusing me of doing the killing! Police and other people were involved trying to detain this man. It was very chaotic and almost circus-like. Somewhere along the line, I tripped over a pitchfork. I picked it up and turned around. The man ran right into it. I don't think I can even begin to describe the horror I feel. I don't know how the mind works. I have never stabbed someone with a pitchfork, but I tell you I know how it feels after this dream! :( Its just so horrible. I freaked out and ran. The stupid forks went all the way through him. He didn't die! He pulled the thing out and kept coming after me. I was screaming and running and screaming and running. Eventually other people tried to find him and get me away, but the chase was still on. He just kept asking me what it was like to watch his brother die.
My chest hurts. I woke up half screaming, half sobbing. :( I feel so vulnerable and just sad. I feel sick. I layed back down and prayed to have a better dream to replace it. I had more dreams, but they were chaotic and I am sitting here with chest pain from the anxiousness. I tried to play stupid facebook games to divert my mind... it didn't work.
At work, my boss has always been a classic abuser. One minute giving you the verbal thrashing of your life- telling you how insignificant and inept you are. The next minute buying lunch saying he appreciates everyone. The beatings are much longer and occur more often, but he has some redeeming qualities to him. Over time, the memory and freshness of the beatings overpowers the redeeming qualities. One night I ended up staying 3.5 hours over to help because we were so swamped, understaffed and I knew my coworkers couldn't handle his lunacy alone. He was out of control. SO nasty to me, belittling me and and slamming everyone for their incompetentcies. I finally yelled back at him that I was not going to help anymore if he didn't stop. I had mentioned several times that I was not scheduled and I was simply staying to help. He stopped riding me so hard, but continued griping and complaining in the back room. After we left the building he followed me to my car and essentially vommited all his emotions, thoughts and anger on me. He said many terrible things about people. One thing in particular just wouldn't stop eating at me. I told my assistant managers that I didn't know what to do with this info, but maybe they should talk to him. (for the record- it was very inappropriate and related to sexual preferences). As a manager he should know better. I didn't take the issue to HR, someone else did. I don't care that it was outside the building. I didn't ask to be involved in the conversation. He already has a long list of reasons he should be let go. He is beyond angry at me. The no-retaliation-policy is a farce. I'm concerned. I don't know how this ends for him. I don't think anyone does at the moment. I just want out. I think my dream is quite clear. I just wish the imagery didn't have to be so horrific. No one is going to help me in this job until its too late. I simply need to move on. I just wish the moving on was easier. Stupid job market.
I feel paralyzed. Its sucks. I'm trying to get my head together so I don't fall apart. I need to have a strong workout session to feel empowered. I need to get my groove back. I'm no victim, dangit- I'm a survivor!

Masters National Comp Photos

2009-07-21T07:37:00.002-04:00

I already posted a beautiful picture of Tara. I just wanted to post the link to the whole album. You can see some of the A class and the B classes for 35+. I got some bodybuilding women and the teen and collegiate men. I had such a blast taking these pictures. I really do love taking pictures. I think this may be a new direction for me. :) Anway... here is the link. Bella Vita Photography
Enjoy!

I can't stop looking at my photos. :P I'm not sure if its because I am so amazed that I took these pictures or if I am so amazed at Tara and the other totally ROCKIN' bodies. Maybe both! Hee Hee... At any rate... I hope you like them. Next time I'm beating someone up for a better seat. ;)

Fabrics?

2009-07-19T22:24:00.003-04:00

Just some fabrics that I thought might be good for a suit...

Shiny Teal

And if I could figure out if I could stone around this... woo... would look sweet, but I bet I'd be over it by the time it was stoned. lol

Metallic Teal Blue Paisley Print on Teal Blue Stretch Velvet

One way to get some fire back...

2009-07-19T09:26:00.002-04:00

Go to a Comp!! I went to the Masters Nationals yesterday. WOW! If anyone EVER says they are too old to be in shape, you can kick them in the shins! There were some FABULOUS over 55 women and men.

I saw my friend Tara on stage (and in person of course) WOW!!! Completely gorgeous inside and out. She is SO SUPER SWEET!! I just adore her! She was absolutely stunning on stage. I thought for sure she was 1st in her class. So did her trainer. She placed 2nd which is still great in a class of 16! She gave me a little gift that was SOO sweet. I will live by these words and cherish her card. *sniff* She's wonderful!
Here she is!

I wanna be like her when I grow up! :P

Pearls of Wisdom for the Doormats of the World...

2009-07-16T20:33:00.003-04:00

Hmmm... perfect little tidbit for me today. Thank you Chalene Johnson...

"By failing to respect yourself, your own time, your own boundaries and what's important to you, others actually lose respect for you."

In her blog she also mentioned that we teach people how to treat us.

**LIGHTBULB**
Yep. I've taught people that I will bend over backwards and that I should be treated as a doormat. No respect needed. All I ever wanted was to be nice to people and make others happy. In the end, I conveyed to people that I didn't care about myself and neither should they. Unfortunately, people take advantage where they can... even if they really don't mean any ill will. It just happens.

This is going to take some work to get rid of this "I give all of myself" attitude. I can't change overnight, but this is clearly something I need to work on. Thank you Universe for shedding the light on this.

A Little Bit Brighter

2009-07-15T20:40:00.003-04:00

Tina- Thank YOU!!! You are the best!! Much love to you! You really have no idea how much you impact me and lift me up. <3

Evelyne- Hang tough girl! We can do this!! (((HUGS)))

I had a looooonnnnngggg day today. I'm glad tomorrow is my last day of work. Its been hell. I'm feeling more... chipper? I feel a little brighter today. I ate clean. I skipped my workout, but there is still some time this evening. I was just SO dead this morning. I would have been going through the motions for sure. I just had nothing to give this morning. I was wiped out. I don't feel bad or guilty. I had to respect my body and mind this morning. I feel good about that choice. I usually just flagelate myself into a miserable state. The words of worthlessness and self-hatred usually wash over me. But not today. I am making it a practice to say nice things to myself. I am working hard on stopping the broken soundtrack of my life. No more name calling- I call myself idiot or stupid a lot. I know I am not and would be offended if anyone else said the things I have said to myself. Isn't that just weird? Why the self abuse? I am going to have some self-love mantras along with some other things in my arsenal.

I am longing for my more vegetarian roots. I miss the legumes and fresh produce. I am hating poultry- a lot. I can do eggs and protein powders. I just don't feel good eating this much meat. It really does interfere with my ability to stay on program. Its not that I'm just tired of chicken. I physically can't override my disgust sometimes. I can do a meal or 2 a day if I have to. I can get past it for that. 4-5 meals a day? I just can't. 3 feels like a stretch sometimes. Veggies I can do. I love beans. I need to find appropriate substitutions. I know that sometimes a boring meal plan or eating things that aren't my favorite is part of the game. I'm not silly enough to think that pizza and chipotle will help me lose weight. However, I have to have foods that I can deal with. I feel very pleased when I have an apple for a snack. Fresh fruits are my favorite. I feel compelled to beat myself up for "not being strong enough", but this is of no use. I am me and specially created. I have certain tastes, compassions, beliefs and feelings. My choosing and desiring fresh plants instead of cooked animals is OK. I have nothing against anyone who chooses and or LIKES meat. I have no issues. I simply have MY own preferences. I don't condemn anyone for their choices or preferences. I just need to honor myself.

I am going to start up Yoga again next month. I just feel at home on the mat. Even though I am not that good or strong yet, I love it. It just feels RIGHT. I want to continue the intense weight and cardio sessions. I just want to add Yoga to my activity list.

I feel so positive when I think about honoring myself. I feel like I am on the right path. Hmmm... amazing. :D

I want to say THANK YOU to all my friends who have been with me and supported me so many times along this journey. You really mean a lot to me!
(((HUGS)))

I feel blessed...

Drained...

2009-07-14T09:44:00.002-04:00

I'm really struggling today. I always have to fight harder when I'm tired. I am so drained after the last 7 days of work. Today is day 8. *ugh* I have today, Wednesday and Thursday left. Possibly Friday depending on how my numbers are. I can't wait until this weekend. Too bad I'm still super fat. I think the stress is making it worse. I'm busting my arse in workouts. My food and water intake are still too light. My body is just hoarding all the calories I'm sure. I haven't been 100% the last few days either. :( I just haven't had the will to eat anymore cucumbers and chicken. I'm still doing my best to choose healthy, but it hasn't been the prescribed plan. I am a bit frustrated. I emailed the trainer a week and a half ago and still haven't heard from him. :( I know he's super busy. I've put myself at the bottom of his importance list. "Real" competitors are more important during this season and I can't seem to stay 100% compliant for more than a week or so at a time without some blunder. :( I need to change my mindset. I am hoping that this weekend with a bunch of amazing bodies and the most AWESOME Tara will get me straightened out. I truly need a break from life as it is. I need some PAUSE button so I can really tune in for a moment or two and listen to ME.

2009-07-12T07:37:00.003-04:00

The last couple of days I have really lost my focus. Just getting through each work day without failing too bad has been my goal. I'm frustrated that let myself fall from 100%. I just can't seem to get my head fully in the game. With things like unemployment, no money, moving back with parents, relationship turmoil, work stress... with all these things taking up so much mental energy I'm finding it hard to push through. I haven't been thin in SOOO long. I really turned up the intensity this week and I felt some changes, but the scale and measurements don't reflect what I felt. I fell apart Friday and was half-ass on Saturday. By the time I reach my next day off of work I'll have worked 11 days straight. I need a day to regroup but that aint happenin'. My energy to keep doing double workouts every day is waneing. It doesn't seem like they are making that much impact anyway. :( Its my own fault for not getting enough water in. My legs are huge. They are firm, but huge! Actually everything is this way right now. You can push on my arms and legs and back and they feel firm and strong. I just have all this fat and water on top that isn't going away. I swear my stomach is flatter but who knows. :P
At this point I just want to get the fat off and feel energetic and look good for Halloween. I'm starting to feel like there is NO way for me to do a comp this year. I thought I might be able to pull of Bikini rather than figure for the fall, but I don't want to push and fail and push and fail. I'm tired of this stupid mental spin cycle. I guess maybe I don't want it bad enough to overcome? I don't feel equipped to overcome. Lack of energy is a HUGE enemy of mine. For over 3 years I slept if I wasn't working. I was ALWAYS tired. And after 3 years of that, I tend to panic if I feel that exhaustion coming on. I don't want to go through that hell again. I was SO tired no matter how much I slept.

I've been trying to figure out when it was that I lost myself. I lost my drive and energy and spunk. I was feisty and NOTHING was going to stop me from reaching my goals. When did that change? When did I give up on me? When did I become complacent? I went from Type A on the outside to Type B with A raging on the inside. That's why I ended up depressed. Type A girl was in lock down, desperately wanting out. When she was angry about being stuffed down inside, type B had to keep stuffing her down- with food!! That's why I eat when I'm angry!! OMG. I just realized this. Ok. So I am still trying to determine that moment when I gave up, but I want ME back. I need to keep moving forward. I need to find that fire and drive.
I really like this from Tom Venuto- "In the end, the buck stops with you. You must accept personal responsibility for your success. You must develop and use your personal power."
Where did that personal power go to? I gotta get it back.

I enjoy learning. I like reading. I like school. I loved being in college. I want to go back to school to be an x-ray tech. I have to schools near me that I could go to. My current situation makes it nearly impossible. I wonder if getting some of *THAT* mojo back- having that feeling again... I wonder if I can somehow light the fire a different way and let that spread... I used to be full of fun and fire. I used to love life. I was always shy, but I did things and took risks. Not as many as I wanted to, but I was more involved in living life than now.

Excuse the rambling and randomness.

Goals/ Dreams/ Desires

1- Go skydiving
2- Own and ride horses again
3- Lose the fat- FOR GOOD! No more rollercoaster!
4- Resuce animals- have at least one dog (more preferred)
5- Compete in bikini or figure
6- Increase photography gigs
7- Travel to Africa and the Galopagos Isl. for photography (add get published to that too)
8- Do a fitness model shoot (be the model, not the photographer!)
9- Do pin-up style calendar
10- Go back to school
11- Learn to live, love and BE Me!

Positive Thinking

2009-07-08T06:11:00.000-04:00

Thanks Tea for posting this!

Positive Thinking - 28 Ideas For Keeping Your Positive Energy Flowing

by Barbara Small

1. Remember that your thoughts create your destiny. Recognize your own power to create your life.

2. Stop worrying. Often by worrying we feel like we are "doing" something about a problem when we aren't. When we worry we are in the past or in the future. By staying in the present we can actually problem-solve the situation as it actually exists.

3. Don't believe in defeat. Unexpected opportunities often come with what initially seem like negative outcomes or mistakes . Also, when you feel defeated, make a list of the factors that are supportive of you, rather than focusing on those that are against you.

4. Stop all those little negatives because they grow in to large ones. Use thought stopping and the steps toward changing your negative self-talk.

5. Name what is blocking your positive thoughts. What prevents you from thinking positive all the time?

6. Examine each of your core beliefs in terms of how it operates in your life. Make a commitment to yourself to eliminate the ones that cause you distress or problems.

7. Focus on the present. Your energy is drained by regretting the past and worrying about the future. Stay grounded in the here-and-now where it is easier to actually problem-solve the real situations.

8. When faced with a problem, focus on possible solutions and the resources that you do have. Brainstorm. What are the many options available, not just the black-and-white solutions or obvious ones?

9. Take self-responsibility. Stop blaming others for your unhappiness. Recognize the consequences of your choices.

10. Identify your personal definition of success. This helps you decide which path you want to take and to know when you have arrived at your goal. Your definition of success will be unique to you. No one else can define it for you.

11. Fill your life with positive supportive people. Allow their positive opinion of you in. Don't block them because their opinions do not fit your image of yourself. What is the worse thing that could happen if you thought positive thoughts about yourself? You might actually feel more energetic and motivated and have more fun!

12. Avoid draining your energy by focusing on the past and looking at mistakes that have already been made. Focus on the lesson learned and not on the mistake. What can you learn from the choice you made, whether it was a good choice or not?

13. Express your appreciation and positive feelings toward others. Say thank you when they complete simple daily tasks. Avoid draining your energy focusing on what they didn't or haven't done.

14. When feeling overwhelmed by change, make a list of what is staying the same and what is not changing. What do you already know? What can you keep doing the same as before?

15. Acknowledge out loud your positive traits and successes. Question why it is considered conceited or arrogant to talk about what you do well.

16. Keep a gratitude journal. Each night before bed list three things that you are grateful for that day. Some days it may simply be that you are grateful that the day is finally over

17. Work at being content with who you are rather than pleasing others by wearing your social mask. When you wear a mask and try to be everything to everyone it can be exhausting. There is no space left for you. Also, I find that in order to please everyone I would have to keep switching masks for each new person because everyone will want something different.

18. Ask yourself: "How do I manufacture my own unhappiness?"

19. Keep asking yourself what is really important. In five years how much will this really matter?

20. Brainstorm a list of what makes you happy. Direct your attention to what pleases you. How can you allow or create more of this in your life?

21. Practice random acts of kindness.

22. Suspend judgment of yourself and others. Practice self-acceptance and acceptance of others. What does judging yourself or someone else achieve? Acceptance does not mean never changing. However, you cannot change what you don't recognize or accept you are doing.

23. Affirm and reaffirm your assets. List ten achievements you have obtained over the last 5 years. It could be finding a new job, taking a course, learning a new skill or changing your attitude.

24. Trust your intuition. Your intuition is that "gut feeling" or that hunch. It is your inner self speaking to you.

25. Create a home environment that is pleasing and nurturing to you.

26. Work at a job that energizes you.

27. Slow down. Learn to respond, rather than react.

28. Our own attitude is often what we see reflected in others. People in our lives act as mirrors to allow us to see ourselves more clearly. If you are surrounded by negative people, take a look at yourself. How might these people be a reflection of your own attitude? Similarly, as you become more positive you will attract more positive people to you. Initially though, as you become more positive the negative people in your life may escalate their negatively in order to try to pull you back in. Remember it is not your job to change them. Focus your energy on being more positive and creating more positive energy in your own life.

Inner Calm

2009-07-07T23:38:00.002-04:00

I am feeling more at peace this evening. Having some awesome friends and wise words surely helped! I got my workout in and I am proud of that. I have to get up early tomorrow for another workout and then go to the gym tomorrow night. *whew* Rough day ahead!

I found some affirmations I used to do when I was also practicing yoga more. I really do need to get back to yoga. I am pretty happy with my direction for now. I will do my affirmations in the morning to set my mind in the right place. Tomorrow or Thursday I will write out goals and possible steps to accomplish those goals. I also will write my resignation letter tomorrow and be ready to turn it in at any time. If I didn't have to think about money, I'd walk away tomorrow and never look back. I'd go to school this fall for X-ray tech and I'd take photos whenever I could. If I was able to, I'd spend a couple of months off of work altogether. I'd workout, relax, do some serious soul searching and volunteer work. I'd overhaul my life. If only... stupid money and bills! I don't want to not work, I would just love some time to get my head straight and let my heart feel free...

Thank you again friends!! I am so serious when I tell you that you mean the world to me and your support means more than words can say.

Frustrated

2009-07-07T09:50:00.003-04:00

So I'm pretty frustrated. I hate my job, I have been looking for something new for awhile now. I have my resume out and I have applications in all over. I am the major source of income. I am 95% of the income. I'm trying to change that, but its not like the job market is booming here. TONS of layoffs mean people from all industries are getting basic jobs just to try and support their families. I guess I shouldn't vent so much. Sharing what really is going on in my head gets me reprimanded and talked to with "tough love". I am a fat girl. I have a fat girl thought pattern. I'm insecure and when shit hits the fan it manifests physically for me. I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. I am doing the best I can do. I want to hide away and wait til everything is over. I know that's not the answer. I'm trying to get over this fear that has paralyzed me so many times before. Its not easy and I WILL go through rough patches. I'm just angry that I'm getting the "GET OVER IT" message. I'm frickin' trying!! I am working with the tools I have! I'm working with my issues in all their glory. I'm working with the instability that makes me ill. Sure, I don't have a loved one that has recently passed. That's right around the corner. :( My grandma has Alzheimers's. My mom is overweight and stressed. I can focus on all sorts of things in my life that aren't healthy or stable. My marriage is quite on the rocks. What should I do? Just quit my job and keep looking and meanwhile go broke, lose my apartment and live out of my car? Should I walk away from everything? Do those alternatives bring me any more peace?
I'm fighting my old ways and doing the best I can. I know things have to change. Perhaps I'll just quit and see if I can get donations to live until the job market clears up?

Some days, I'm just not that strong... maybe I am just the fat girl failure that I try to fight off every day.

Commenting Works!! & More

2009-07-05T22:16:00.003-04:00

Well, Whadyaknow! I got the comments working! Feel free to comment at me now. :P So... comp prep has been shaky at best lately. I've been fighting a lot of inner demons. Doesn't it always boil down to that though? I bought a book called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl . AWESOME book. The author does a fantastic job at getting into the mindset and thoughts of "Fat Girls". Reading what she used to be like, its hard to believe she is a size 2 and has been for 20 years! Wow! I am feeling relieved and hopeful. I highly recommend this book to anyone trying to get a handle on things or looking to finish off the battle with food and themselves.

I have some major stress hitting me right now. I'm struggling with my work situation. I'd like nothing more than to walk away. I'm tired of mentally feeling beaten down each day. I don't have a positive grasp on myself yet. I'm fighting my old inner voice that tells me I'm bad, fat, unworthy, etc. I don't need to be in an environment daily that repeats that on loudspeaker x1000. I have a list of all my positive qualities and why I am worth the effort. Why I can and deserve to reach my goals and dreams. I deserve not only a healthy and strong body, but a healthy and happy disposition. I have let myself get beaten down for the last 4 years. I am not going to take the abuse anymore. Its time for me to take care of me. I will have the strong and fit body I desire. I will have health and energy. I will LIVE again instead of hiding and wishing I could do more.

So yeah... there it is. Tomorrow is a fresh day. I'm off of work. I intend to make the best of each moment. No more "Fat Girl" mentality.

Health Girl Gets Healthy

I needed this

YOU ALONE

Fitness Models for Breast Cancer Awareness

Love this pic

Success Anyone?

Victory

Fitness Model??

The Gap

Back from the Arnold

This is a journey

The Drive for Perfection?

And what did I just do??

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

Precision Nutrition, Fish Oils and What's Next?

Top 10 Reasons EFA's are Essential

Great Day! Did someone say Mac & Cheese?

Attitude of Gratitude

And here is My Official 2011 List

Reflections on 2010

Bucket List & 2010

Motivational Quotes...

Day TWO of my ViSalus 90 Day Challenge

Day ONE of my ViSalus 90 Day Challenge

Love Your Body

Eat Clean Diet Makeover Challenge!

What I am working on...

Little Fire for Friday

Changes in Progress

These are Great One Liners!

Moving Update and Reflections

Sugar....

Love this prescription for the scale....

Really? An update?!? :P It's a DOOZIE. Plus pics!

Calendar Update-- January Complete!

Great Inspiration

Tenacious Thursday!

Calendar Update

Struggling to stay on track?? (not me this time!)

Please, if you can...

Visualization is KEY

Jam Packed Post Ahead!! Greek Yogurt & Headphones!

Suit?

Happy New Year!

New Calendar

Motivational Stuff

Fighter Diet

Bucket List & 2010

Quickie?

The Sickies and attitude

Inspired: The Movie

PCOS, support and a nugget of truth

Fun Morning- official song of the day and big butts

New Playlist, 16 weeks out & push ups

After Thanksgiving Thoughts

Thoughts, Sprints, Pushups Oh My!

Triggers

Push Ups, Quest for containers & Passion

Transformations = Inspiration & Motivation

100 Push Ups ... 17 weeks out

**Honest Scrap**

Updates -- 17.5 weeks out

Sick and a kick

Making changes

Weekend Competitors Pix

On E

Push ups, Positive Attitude & Breasts

Push Ups and Protein Powder!

Rest You Say?

Updates, 19 weeks out

Progress

Day 2 Push Up Challenge & Carb Cycling

Turkey Loaf!

November 1st- New Day, New Week, New Month

20 Weeks Out

100 push ups and stuff...

One step closer

Taking a look at myself

21 Weeks Out

cravings

Honest Scrap